You should have seen my son, David, last Saturday, September 5. He was so excited and so happy to have his freedom back, and we, his parents, were as excited for him as we were for ourselves. On that Saturday, September 5, David got his driving license back and purchased a $600 car from a buddy. It was a clunker, but at least now, he had his own wheels! No more having to bum rides off friends and his parents.
Before he left the house with his "new" car I had a talk with him. First of all, I told him how truly happy his Dad and I were for him....for all of us. Secondly, I mentioned that I realized with all he's been through for over a year now (totaled car within a week of purchasing it, loss of driving privileges because of the DWI, drug rehab, probation, loss of a girlfriend, two or three suicide threats, in and out of the hospital and a "fun" fight that almost destroyed one of his eyes) that surely he has learned from his mistakes. I said something to that effect. I was trying not to state the obvious, but yet give him a gentle reminder.....not only for him, but for my sake as well. I needed to hear that he had indeed learned from his past. Thirdly, even though I figured he knew this, I felt it necessary to reiterate that we (his parents) would no longer be able to help him by bailing him out of jail, loaning him money, giving him rides etc. He understood this. Sober, he has always been rational and understanding.
That Saturday, September 5, was truly one of the highest peaks I had experienced in awhile, on the roller coaster of emotions that one experiences when living with an addict/alcoholic loved one. Both my husband and I were basking in the hope that perhaps David was finally maturing and seeing the light. What a perfect way to start a three day Labor Day Weekend holiday....with joy and hope!
After David came home from work that evening, he left his car at home and was picked up by some friends. That was an indicator to me that David was planning on doing some drinking. Although that never makes me feel good, David drinking, at least he's playing it smart by leaving his car at home. Once again, I'm pleased with David's growing maturity.
Sure enough, he came home later that night...around 1:00 A.M.....drunk. He wasn't as drunk as I've seen him before, but he had obviously been drinking too much. For a short bit of time, I assumed he was home to stay...to go to bed and sleep it off. Well, I was wrong. After changing his "story" a few times of what he was planning on doing, he ended up getting into his car to go to his friend's home. He tried to convince me that he wasn't drunk at all and that he was perfectly fine. I tried to convince him other wise, but to no avail.
I went to bed deeply worried about him even making it to his friend's home about 10 or 15 minutes away. Thankfully, his friend called to inform me that David had gotten there safely. Finally, after much consternation, prayers and some tears, I was able to fall asleep. I knew he would stay there since these friends were close to him.
On the next afternoon, September 6, while I was at our neighborhood pool, David sat down next to me briefly to tell me that from now on, when he knows he's going drinking, he's going to give me the keys to his car. I took that volunteered statement from him to be a sign that he knew he was wrong last night to drive his car. I also took it as another sign that he is slowly realizing the facts and reality of his problem drinking. He left me at the pool with some more hope even after the disappointing and potentially dangerous decision he had made the night before.
The rest of that Sunday was spent with a little less of a knot in my stomach. There was still some hope and promise for David. At least when he's sober (most of the time) he is thinking straight and with more of an adult perspective. That same evening David had made plans to go camping at a near by lake with the couple whom he had spent the night with on Saturday. They are a young couple engaged to get married next year. They are good to David and have been there for him when girlfriends have dumped him. My only concern about them is the fact that they also like to drink and I wonder how much of an influence they have on David.....but neither one of them seems to get into trouble when they do drink. They don't lose their judgement like David does. So, when he told me he was going camping with them, I knew there would be alcohol. I practically begged David to assure me that he was planning on staying over night at the lake with them, and NOT coming home until the next morning. He assured me that was the plan. Once again, knowing that he's going to be drinking is unsettling for me, but at least he was staying put...... although I still had concerns with the lake being nearby. There are always concerns with David since he's an alcoholic.
When the phone rang at 4:00 A.M. Monday morning, I knew instinctively it wasn't going to be good news. It never is at that time of the morning. I hestitated to answer, but once I heard the friend's voice, I immediately, with a heavy heart, picked up the phone. My friend notified me that David had received another DWI. David had called her to get the number of the lawyer she had recommended to him. Needless to say, unlike perhaps the police and fire department, attorneys don't take calls in the middle of the night. Besides that, my friend did not have the attorney's cell number that David asked for. I'm sure David didn't call us because he knew the "deal" with us. Remember the gentle reminder to him shortly after he got his license and car two days ago?
I hate to admit this, but a day or two later, my husband and I bailed him out of jail.....with the idea that he needed to keep his job to be able to afford his legal fees. So, he's back at square one not being able to drive. At least this time, he didn't total his car. (As a matter of fact, he hadn't even left the lake, he was going from one camping site to the other, but intoxicated.) His court date is set for the end of October. He's back to having to rely on others for rides. Not only that, this time, he'll be in bigger trouble since his first DWI will now show up on his record. My husband and I are resigned to the possibility that he will be spending time in jail for this incident. We're ok with that. We're hoping that some time in jail will finally wake him up into realizing that alcohol is destroying his life.
David once commented, "Sober, I would never drive drunk." I believe David with all my heart. The problem with alcohol for David is that he loses all judgement once he's been drinking and he ends up driving and doing other stupid things that he would never do without the influence of alcohol. I am finally realizing that, as his parents, "believing in David" isn't enough. He's got to believe in himself first. He also needs to acknowledge that he is an alcoholic. Until he accepts that, he will continue living this "hellish" life.
Please keep him and others like him in your prayers.
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Kathleen may
Tiger Sonora
Torman
FirthofForth
Dennis Knight
Shelly Cone
Salon.com
Comments
My prayers are with you and your son.
But.
"I went to bed deeply worried about him even making it to his friend's home about 10 or 15 minutes away."
At this point, you call the police. It is no longer just about your son driving drunk and 'arriving safely' at a friend's. This is the part where he kills others.
Like my sons. Or me. Or you. Or your neighbours.
I´ll be thinking of your son and your family... best of lucks!
Marcela
@Scanner: Kudos to you for stepping up. Salute.
Patricia, I hope you're doing something for yourself. Al-Anon, CODA, online nonreligious support groups...something.
David's path is his own, and he is the only one (THE ONLY ONE) with any control over it. All the reminders in the world, all the support in the world, all the belief in the world won't have an iota of effect on his choices.
Next time (and until he makes an affirmative decision to get into recovery) I hope you'll follow through on your pledge NOT to bail him out. If he loses his job and can't afford the legal bills? That's another consequence. He needs to feel them. All of them.
I'm so, so sorry.
[hugs]
You can hope all you want that he'll be safe and make good decisions when he leaves the house but you have to know, deep down, that he won't. Continuing to trust him, to bail him out, etc. won't do anyone any good.
He, and he alone, has to be responsible for his own actions and as "Will Someone Feed The Cat" mentioned, he's endangering everyone who is on the road (or in the same campground) at the same time as him. At that point, other people may suffer the consequences of his actions and there's nothing ok about that.
Jail won't fix his problem. Your hopeful thoughts won't fix it either. He needs structured counseling--rehab, AA-- and he needs to know he has to clean up his own messes, whatever they may be. The upside to taking personal responsibility is that when he has some success, he gets the credit and that type of positive reinforcement can go a long way to reinforce good choices.
Love your son by holding him accountable. Support him when he makes good decisions. When he blows it, you can still let him know you love him but also let him know he has to pick himself up.
Get him into a program. You may want to join one yourself for family members of alcoholics.
I wish you the best. Feel free to contact me if you'd like. I'd be happy to share my experience with you.
I'll try to respond without being too judgmental here. First, I do agree with Will Someone Feed the Cat on some level - your responsibility when you know your son is driving drunk has to be to the larger community. I really do think you need to call the cops in that situation and/or pretty much tear the keys out of his hands if that occurs again.
However... the important thing is to intervene before it gets to that point. Others here have suggested a variety of support groups, and it's very important that you follow through on that. One, David needs a structured support group. Two, he probably needs to take steps to remove people from his life that are drinkers/who will let him drink. Three - and this might be most important of all - if you and your husband aren't in a family support group already, you need to find one. I imagine they're best equipped to offer solid advice on how to cope with this moving forward.
your son is an alcoholic. "Better Judgment" is not the cure for alcoholism. "Maturity" is also not the cure for alcoholism.
Probably 'recovery' is the cure. There may be other cures, I don't know, but revovery has worked for many and has that to recomment it.
I am talking about dreaded AA. I know it sucks for a young guy, especially an alchoholic to contemplate a live without booze. That is why he should keep it one day at a time. He should swear off drinking and get active in programs to help him keep up that committment.
Also, the chances of your kid killing anybody but himself on the road while drunk are actually pretty minimal. The hazard of Drunk Driving to the public is wildly overblown by suburban Americans with nothing much else to to worry about. Still, he should not drive drunk as it is a terrible risk to his personal safety and his liberty interests.
Also, his repeated behavior is proof that managing his drinking does not work. He needs to admit that and act effectively to deal with the fact that he cannot manage his consumption of alcohol.
Tell him all of this and make his agreement with what I have said a pre-condition of further help for him. THis may seem harsh and controlling, but you are only controlling the circumstances under which you will enable his behavior. It is eminently reasonable to demand sobriety in exchange for further help to an alcholic.
Don't wait until your kid has twenty years of dissolution and pain under his belt to 'prove' he is an alchoholic. There is plenty of evidence already to support that conclusion.
Good Luck.
PM me if you want any more bossy advice.
You mentioned that your son's judgment flies out the window when he drinks. That is incredibly common. It works that way for almost all developing problem drinkers. In fact, I have heard of only one person who learned to moderate his drinking, and I don't know him personally. I work in the field and have helped hundreds of people get off the sauce, but I have never met anyone who could moderate once the consequences stack up and the brain becomes numb.
I know I cannot pick up a single drink without setting off an avalanche of bad choices, including drunk driving, arguments, job losses, cravings, and the inevitable physical addiction. Maybe not the first time I have a drink, and maybe not the third time, but it will inevitably come crashing down. I have come too far to start again over one drink.
The only drink I have been successful at refusing is the first one. I probably could stop there, but it would be VERY VERY hard, and my judgment would really suck. I often tried this.
It's just one drink!
It's just one night!"
I should be able to drink like everyone else!
All of my friends are doing it!
I'm tired of being different!
I earned this!
It's been a long time, and I'm sure I have better control over it now.
I can stop tomorrow!
I can't handle the stress without this!
I knew I wouldn't succeed.
This is inevitable.
A drunk will always be a drunk.
Now I'm shaking uncontrollably and I can't sleep. I have NO CHOICE.
My life is over, so I might as well enjoy what little I can. Or at least tamp down the emotions. (That's a laugh!)
And then I lose a job. I'm arguing all the time with my spouse. I'm not showering any more, perhaps every ten days. I feel like hell around the clock. I have no money to buy booze, but I must have it. I'm filled with shame, but I feel compelled to pretend otherwise. I wobble when I walk the dog, so I stop doing it and leave the job for my spouse. I sneak to the store to buy more, but I can barely walk at all. There are dozens of empty bottles strewn everywhere, but I just leave them.
I don't answer the phone, and when it rings, I feel terrified. I am in hell.
You are helping him to keep drinking. People with a drinking problem will grasp at any straw for proof that their problem is not that bad. And if they feel it is very bad on one day, all of that can change by the next day. They'll have thought it through and found some kind of evidence of their ability to handle alcohol, and it is as simple as seeing others continue to downplay the problem or ignore it entirely.
In the morning, I felt so bad that I swore I'd not drink on that day. By afternoon, I had found justifications and started drinking, one of which was "I have to kill this hangover!" Later, I kept a drink on my nightstand to drink as soon as I woke up. And so the drinking day was begun after three hours of sleep. One morning drink led to three or four bottles of wine during the course of a single day.
If he is drinking at all, his brain is compromised, and rational thought is lacking. That's the rub, right there. The higher functions of his brain aren't operating well, and he's making choices based on emotion and instinct. Alcohol does damage the brain. For some, the damage is permanent. I'm never quite certain that I've got all of my lights on upstairs even now, years later. It takes time to heal, months and years.
Memory gets screwed up. I remember feeling good when drinking, but I forget the arguments, the scrounging for money, the falling down and the black eyes and bruises.
I'm not sure what I'm saying here, except that he needs to feel the pain, and he rightfully earned that job loss. He is going to get worse.
At Rational Recovery, they employ something called Addictive Voice Recognition Technique. It's essentially a way to think about urges to drink or use drugs. We have this internal dialogue going on to justify and rationalize continued use, and it sounds just like us. But it is a trick, lies built on lies. The brain seeks equilibrium, and it will stop at nothing to find an argument that works.
RR says one should learn to listen to that voice and recognize it for what it is: a greasy salesman selling snake oil or a seductive siren that will turn you to stone once you pick up that drink or drug. This voice is the enemy, and it is us. Once we learn to tune into that channel, those arguments can be refuted more easily. That voice is the voice of destruction. One friend called her addictive voice Karl Rove and refused to believe anything she heard that might justify a drink.
I used this technique among others when I cleaned up. I never hear the voice nowadays, but it would come back in a flash if I drank. I tell you that from experience. But when I was new to sobriety, I learned to talk back to it. "You are a liar! You don't want to help me, you want to kill me!" I'd bet that your son has that voice as most problem drinkers do, and he thinks it's the voice of reason. That's what a rationalization is: a very bad argument framed to sound perfectly rational. Once you buy the first rationalization, the rest are easy, and they keep on coming.
Maybe you'd like to suggest this tool to him? You can find it at Rational Recovery, where it's called AVRT, or at SMART Recovery, where it's called DiSARM.
wow...as a parent (kids 10 & 12) ...not sure what else to say. My thoughts are with you and I hope your son does the hard work to get through this awful problem.
Peace and Love
I am an alcoholic with 19 plus years sobriety.
You have gotten some good advice here and I will be brief and perhaps too blunt. But you know my heart and I consider you a good friend. Good friends level with one another.
Bottom line it sounds like everyone in your family, David, you, your husband, remain in denial, remain enablers, remain in soft love situations when the going gets tough.
Until he gets in AA and gets serious, until you and your husband get into AlAnon and get serious about not enabling him at all, I think this thing will just continue to recycle itself over and over.
Tough love is one of the hardest things to do, but it can be done and must be done.
David can't drink, NOT ONE DROP. And you guys have to set clear tough rules and stick to them, NO exceptions, or he will always know that, sooner or later, you will be there to bail him out.
That is my take, based on my own experience and years of counseling alcoholics.
I wish reality were not so harsh, but it is. PM me if you wish.
My prayers for all of you.
Agape,
Monte
I spent 10 days in the county jail and had my licence taken for 2 years and have had to pay enormous fines and do hundreds of hours of community service. It sounds as if he was using the whole time recouping from the first DUI planning to drink again(I did too!)- they won't let him legally anymore. He will be assigned to a probation officer and subjected to daily breath testing and U.A.s, maybe even monitored Antibuse. Judges are hardly amused with repeat offenders. He must relies that his drinking is going to lead him to eventual death and that it is hurting everyone in his life. He needs to do an inpatient program and really apply himself and open himself up to the reality that he simply can't drink anymore and that not "everyone" drinks. There he can learn why he drinks and what triggers him and why he loses control every time. If he decideded to do these things the judge may see hope in recovery and give him a chance. It won't be easy, it will be a journey but it's better than trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results (insanity). The best thing my family ever did for me was to state that they absolutely wanted nothing to do with me if I was going to continue drinking and then they helped me get into an inpatient 21 day program. While they supported me and visited on family days they made it abundantly clear that this was something I had to do for myself. I know this seems long but I've been where he is and I know where he is going and it isn't good. I will pray for your family everyday and I hope he decides to help himself.
I never had to test my mother on her promise but I hope that she would make good on it, especially if I were endangering the multitudes like your son did that night.
While I applaud your honesty in sharing this with us, I absolutely must say you have enabled your son's problem and possibly endangered others with your denial.
I'm sure the courts are going to mandate treatment for your son and I sincerely hope his recovery goes well. I would also recommend that you consider a program for family members of alcoholics, I'm sure you would benefit greatly.
And now I want to echo Verbal - in both the hugs, the empathy, and the gentle suggestion to please find support for yourself. Think what a help it might have been if you had been able to call your sponsor or a therapist for some outside, impartial advice. (I don't mean to be presumptuous - maybe you did have that advice - but you didn't mention it.)
Unfortunately,sometimes,jail time could be the wakeup call he
needs."Hellish" is an understatement.
Being an alcoholic myself,I can well understand the false bravado
alcohol can induce.
I,also used to drink and drive,but through God's grace was never
caught,or caused an accident.
Stupidly,I was convinced that having had a 'few' drinks,actually
improved my driving 'skills'.
Unbelievable.
My daily prayers are with you.
Let me just say this, please. But, I started and loved alcohol when I was a teenager. (I think it's genetic)
When I was 21, after I got out of the Military the first time, I got a DUI, my Dad bailed me out. I went straight back to drinking. I paid a small fine, and went on drinking and driving.
I was VERY VERY lucky, no accidents or anything- weaving, mostly.
I continued to drink- LOTS! Went back into the Military- this time, halfway around the world! But, I was well away from home. Still, I managed to not hit anyone or anything.
Finally, I came back from overseas, and Boom! got a DUI! Guess who bailed me out- yeah- DAD! Drank again.
Finally, when I moved to a different state, Dad had to go back to CA., (The best thing that ever happened to me!!) was, Dad said, "Okay, Kid, You're on you're your own!, I can't help you anymore."
Guess what! I straightened right up! Never drove drunk after that.
I haven't been perfect, but that was the VERY BEST THING my Dad could have ever done for me! (My mom had passed away, but Dad was a single Dad)
Pat, as long as you enable your boy, he'll keep drinking. Please listen- say what my Dad said to ME! It really straightened me up! Really, please, listen.
It worked for me, it will work for him. I went to treatment @ the VA, because I was in the military.
Personally, I don't like A.A., but it works for many. I find that a good diet and lots of exercise , and having my dogs has helped me the best oh, and vitamins.
P.S. If he drinks, steal his keys, and make him call a Taxi!
Right now I have a friend trying to figure out how to tell her daughter that the college fund has been used up bailing the two quite adult sons out of jail. I don't even want to be within 10 miles when that bit of news gets shared with the daughter!
I hope you and your husband can find the strength and courage to 1) cleave to each other and 2) to cleave to your other children while this is going on.
I too will say a prayer and offer up this old African proverb to you.
“When you pray, move your feet.”
Blessings.
Please pay attention to all the comments about enabling. Get some help for yourselves at Al-Anon, or a therapist. Your son has to choose for himself.
And, please DON'T pay attention to what neilpaul said: "the chances of your kid killing anybody but himself on the road while drunk are actually pretty minimal." Bulls**t!!!! Go to the MADD site. Educate yourselves.
Rated for honesty and pain. I have a son in trouble too. It sucks.
But, please DON'T listen to that part
I think it's wonderful that so many OSer's offered themselves up via PM as resources for you. I hope you take them up on it - but for god's sake, don't leave out the heroin part....
The brother of a friend of mine got 3 DUI's in a year's time, took endless classes and went to rehab, and still ran into another car while driving drunk and killed a 6-year-old girl. (At 3 in the morning, when there's supposedly no other cars on the road.) He spent five and a half years in jail for vehicular manslaughter, and in that time, his black hair turned snow white.
His father, a cardiologist, covered for him, paid his expenses, bailed him out, made sure he didn't lose his job, and hired the attorney who put together the insurance settlement for little girl's family. The attorney also successfully kept the young man from getting the ten-year sentence he deserved. The cardiologist father joined his wife in perpetual denial about their son's addiction.
My friend's brother died of wet brain syndrome after being fired from his last job for having alcohol on his breath at work. He didn't even try to find another job, he just bought a shitload of vodka and drank himself to death right there in his apartment.
Addicts who are enabled by loved ones have no reason whatsoever to change their behavior.
Give him a reason.
Until you do, you're keeping him from learning for himself, which is the only way some of us ever learn anything.
This is only my second day (third?) a participant here at Open Salon. I'm still basically needing to learn how to find threads and other post-ers, so I doubt I have much to add to the (stunning!) accumulated wisdom of posts here. Kudos to all of you (from this one person) for the kind of combined toughness and wisdom I do know from my experiences is characteristic of self-defined "recovering alcoholics".
Patricia, in addition to adding one more voice of support to you in your pain (and for your honesty!) just one more ?plea? that you'll keep us updated on how things are going for you.
I can't help wondering whether there is ?ANYONE? in this country who hasn't, one way &/or another, been involved in substance abuse problems. I'm old (compared -- I think -- to anyone/everyone else here). My kids are by now (recovering or recovered from various substance abuses and some who never had that problem) many of them older than or as old as post-ers here. Ours is by multiple definitions (not just substance abuse) a "dysfunctional family system").
But, hey, every one of us has grown -- however bent the shape of our growths -- through our trials (disasters and semi-disasters).
But I ?"rattle on"?. :-(
Patricia, for you: Do, please keep us all updated. As you can see, there's a huge number of us ?"out here"? rooting for you and your husband and -- need I say? [No!] your son.
podunkmarte
"Thirdly, even though I figured he knew this, I felt it necessary to reiterate that we (his parents) would no longer be able to help him by bailing him out of jail, loaning him money, giving him rides etc. He understood this. Sober, he has always been rational and understanding."
"I hate to admit this, but a day or two later, my husband and I bailed him out of jail.....with the idea that he needed to keep his job to be able to afford his legal fees. So, he's back at square one not being able to drive. At least this time, he didn't total his car."
"My husband and I are resigned to the possibility that he will be spending time in jail for this incident. We're ok with that. We're hoping that some time in jail will finally wake him up into realizing that alcohol is destroying his life."
I sincerely hope that you and your husband have learned YOUR lesson...There is absolutely no such thing as helping a substance abuser...All you can do is continue to enable him to be what he is...
You're lucky to have not received a call that involved notification that he had killed himself while driving drunk or worse that he had killed someone else...and yes I said worse....
If you honestly believe that jail time would do him some good why did you bail him out? Why are you trying to make it easier for him?....If he loses his job he will be declared indigent and be assigned a public defender....One of the consequences of being a substance abuser is the loss of the aspects of life that have any real meaning....
He won't be helped until he is ready to help himself and you are deferring the advent of such an epiphany by your continued intervention.... You and your husband must learn to combat your parental instincts and reflexes and leave him to his own devices....
He counts on and exploits your weakness, and waffling....He elicits and then navigates the inconsistencies in your behavior and words better than he is able to navigate his way through the morass of his alchoholism....You and your family derserve better than he is either willing or able to give....
If you continue as you have, you will have given him the one thing that no substance abuser should be given....The chance to take you down with him....
Patricia, I say these things because we are friends and I know you know better....You must gather the strength and courage to do better for your own sake and the sake of your family, as well as his....Stay strong and be well........
After dissecting the issue as my own attorney on both 1 and 2 OWI I realized that the issue is one of practical logistics, and common / uncommon sense.
1. Single, lonely people frequent bars.
2. Bars don't provide transportation to the patrons they inebriate
3. Bars don't offer to measure their patron's BAC (blood alcohol content)
4. Police don't stand outside of bars and offer people BAC tests.
5. Many bars are in remote locations.
6. Many cities and towns have poor to non-existent public transportation...couple that with the fact most people roll out of bars inebriated at 2 am and the options go down all the further.
7. Many towns DO NOT have cab services...and the ones that do are often full or WAY OVERFLATED.
8. And finally the most common sense aspect of the hypocrisy of the American Drinking / Government Tax Payer and OWI fine gathering Establishment is that alcohol is a product that when used as intended, causes inebriation, sickness, and poor judgment.
It's a no win game and the Government has no interest in losing the revenue generated by fines, and liquor taxes paid to the state.
GOOD LUCK....but your son has to give it up entirely. One day he may realize it...or then again he may not. It is a Gordion knot for sure.
YES...call the police next time.
I am with Feed the Cat, without sounding judgmental. Call the police the next time it happens. (With that said, after two DWI's, he's slowly ruining his chances of driving for quite some time. DWI's are miserable and can slowly ruin a life, financially, legally and employment-wise. I've seen them mess up a few friends' lives in a major way.)
And get thee to an Alanon meeting. Immediately. They are very powerful. The more you engage with his issues, the sicker you become. It's not about caring, it's about illness at this point. For both of you, unfort.
I will keep you and your son in my thoughts, Patricia. We are in a big and crowded boat here. You and your son are not alone.
Why is this? Because you can Ride The Dragon with only a few drinks...somehow other people who become swept away in the often intense rapids of alcohol are somehow flawed themselves?
I attack the premise of the alcohol consuming / producing Nation itself.
Dismantle the infrastructure of alcohol and you won't have loved ones and friends dead, or maimed from traffic related incidents...nor will your loved ones or friends suffer because their bodies can't handle the devastating effects that alcohol produces.
Stop attacking the consumer and start attacking the producer (alcohol industry) and the enabler (Government).
The best thing you can do for your son (and yourself) at this point is go to Al-Anon.
Will Someone Feed The Cat: That was a good point you made about calling the police and hopefully I will do that the next time. Let's hope you never have to call the police on one of your children. I can't help but wonder if even you would be able to.
Marcela: He's been to rehab and taken classes....it didn't seem to help. Thanks.
Scanner: Thanks for your help. I will pm you!
Bobbot, Gwool, Cap'n, Steven Blevins, jimmymac1025, mynameise, JD Smith, Ariana Paz, Sweetfeet, ConnieMack and Beth Mann, thank you all for your comments and prayers.
TheObsoleteMan: Raising kids can be hard...real hard.
Verbal Remedy: I'm finally realizing that we can't help David. It's a very sad feeling not being able to help your child.
Mamoore: Yes, I am thankful....for his sake and for others.
ainthatamerica: Thank you for the advice. How do you make a young adult get into a program? I will pm you.
AshKW: Thanks for your compassion. Not everyone understands what loved ones go through.
Julie Delio: I hope I never have to either.
mad_typist: I know you're right, but how to do it is another matter...especially since my son is legally an adult.
Sandra Stephens: I agree.
neilpaul: I could use more of your "bossy" advice! :) Thank you. I'll pm you.
Leslie Basden: Yes, you're right. He needs to feel the pain. Unfortunately, I am also feeling the pain. Thank you for your advice. You are always so kind and thoughtful with me. I always appreciate your wisdom.
Lunchlady2: Thank you for your understanding and wise words. I hear your compassion for us Moms!
Kind of Blue: Thank you for your prayers, peace and love.
Monte: Coming from you, I know your advice comes from love. Thank you.
Hells Bells: Thanks for not judging.
Zenadequate Shanny: Thank you for your generous thoughts, advice and concern. I appreciate it. Thanks for your prayers.
urbanjunglegirl: From now on, I will call the cops. Never thought of that before. Never really had to.
Lisa Solod Warren: I could use a hug. Thanks.
T.B. Cook: I am so sorry for your loss. That is my biggest fear.
annettee2009: I will definitely be taking steps to help myself and to help my son.
Peter Hilton: Thank you for your continued friendship and support.
crystalsapphire: Thank you for sharing your story. I will be tougher from now on.
Chuck A. Stetson: Thank you for understanding where others have made "me" the bad guy.
dustbowldiva: Thank you, deeply. I appreciate your continued friendship.
SeaLionLady: You're right. I need to become stronger.
Patie: I know you understand.
Grif: I thank you for all of your support for "not enabling" my son. I'm working on it.
Robin Sneed: Thank you for your peace, love and for sharing your wonderful self!
Trudge164: If jail would only be the answer.
Dragonlady: Ok, thank you for your concern and honesty. Lots of my readers have read my earlier posts about David. He made a comment not that long ago that heroin never got him into trouble like alcohol does.
unbrellakinesis: Your comment was one of the most painful to read. Thank you.
white and black: No, I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt. I already carry a shit load of it.
podunkmarte: I will keep you posted. I need to for my own healing and peace. Thank you for your concern and compassion.
Ronp01: I know you're right and I have no rational answer this time. I need to become stronger....that's for sure.
NewBuddhaFun: I wish alcohol WAS illegal along with cigarettes!
Marcelleqb: I know.
SuiJuris94: Thanks for your understanding and nonjudgemental compassion.
yekdeli: I will call the police next time. I'm so sorry about your cousin.
My prayers are with you and your family and your son.
You were not 'crucified'. There are a great deal of people here who believe calling the police in the situation you described could save not only a stranger's life, but that of your son.
Uncaring people do not care. Everyone here cares.
The success rate of all programs and therapies isn't very good. I think the best thing - based on my life and the treatment I went through - is for your son to be admitted to an in-patient situation for 3 months, followed by intensive outpatient for 3 months, followed by not-as-intensive outpatient for 6 months. Whether or not he ultimately subscribes to the AA way of life, the experience of months of f supervised interactions with other users who are also forced to stay dry has an effect on the rationalizations and behaviors associated with alcohol use.
Rated
Rated for
Trust me, 12 step programs save lives. You may not be able to "fix" your son, but with the help of program, you can work on what you are doing and how you respond. (Program-12 step programs- will help you do that.) What your son does is not in any way in your control. Hard to believe, but true.
I hope that he hits his bottom. Fast.
Go to several different meetings, some may turn you off, but try others. You WILL find the support you need there...
Please keep writing and tell us what is going on...
Best Regards,
David
But every night that he's out, I have trouble sleeping.