This is a letter I wrote to my son as a follow up to my last post here on Open Salon. Some of the points made in my letter came from OS readers who responded to the last post. Thank you. You may have helped to save a life.
Dear David,
First of all, let me remind you that I've always loved you no matter what....and I will continue loving you, no matter what! My love for you is unconditional which means you have no control over it. As a matter of fact, it means that I have no control over it either....I simply love you without justifications, conditions or reasons.
It is this love I possess for you that is behind this letter. Please don't forget that as you read my words. Expressing myself accurately is easier for me to accomplish on paper rather than in the spoken word. I can think before I write something ensuring that I am "saying" what I must say...what I need to say. Writing is also easier for me because on paper I can contain and control my emotions whereas when I speak, especially when it's something I passionately feel about, uninvited tears sometimes appear. There is nothing wrong with tears or emotions, but I know they make you feel uncomfortable besides getting in the way of the message I am trying to convey.
You may already know this since your Dad mentioned this after we bailed you out of jail, but I want to make sure you realize that both he and I are serious...more so than we ever have been. We will NEVER bail you out of jail again even to save your job. Period. We shouldn't have done it the last time either. We will not be able to help you any more financially which means no more loans from us. From now on, you will have to figure out a way to procure your own loans and money needed for legal fees, cars, lifestyle or whatever else you've needed money for in the past. We will NOT be providing any more transportation for you either.... except for the occasional lift that is in the same direction as we are going. Also, if I ever witness you trying to drive while drunk or get in a car with a driver who is drunk, I WILL call the police to report it. That is NOT a threat, it is the truth. I should have done it a couple of weeks ago instead of trying to talk you out of driving to your friend's house, but I was ignorant and naive. No longer will I simply shed tears and say a prayer. To protect you and other lives, I will have no choice, but to call the police. I hope you will not test me. Lastly, we feel that you should move out as soon as possible and find your own place to live. Living on your own will help you to become more responsible and resourceful with your money. It will also help motivate you to work more hours and to help you manage your money more creatively. Lastly, living on your own will boost your self-confidence and empower you to be your very best.
This letter is not easy for me. It is part of my nature, part of my instinct and part of my personality to want to help you as much as possible, not only because I love you, but because you are my beloved son. I don't want to see you suffer, struggle or ruin your precious life and that's why I've tried helping you as much as I possibly can. It's what Moms do, but sometimes to the detriment of our children's lives.
Through introspection, professional counseling and advice from friends I have come to the horrifying realization that I have not been helping you at all. Instead, I have been hurting and possibly even endangering your life. Can you imagine how I felt when THAT verdict was brought to my attention? Can you imagine the agony, sorrow and guilt that has been hanging over my head stabbing at my heart? Knowing that instead of HELPING you all this time, I've been HURTING you! No, you cannot possibly imagine what I've been going through simply because you are not a parent. Some day, when you have your own, you will understand.
David, I have come to the conclusion that you will never grow, mature or live a joyful and rewarding life if either of your parents continue rescuing you from your problems and struggles. Oh sure, you've struggled and suffered some, but with a cushion to pad your falls. From now on, you need to experience the full impact of your mistakes and eroneous judgement without us getting in your way. Until then, you won't fully grasp how you are ruining the good life we, as your parents, have desired and tried to provide since you were born.
Please don't take from this letter that we are abandoning you, because we are not. We just know that it's time that our "help" take on a different form...a different shape. It's time for us to stand back and let you live the consequences of your choices without our interference. We will continue loving you and supporting you emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. We will be here to offer you advice if you desire it. We will be here ready to listen if you need an ear. We will continue praying for you. We will also be here to celebrate with you any joy, excitement and accomplishment you WILL experience as you work hard and strive to do your best no matter what.
David, you've got so much to offer to the world, but you first need to take care of yourself and be true to yourself. Live your values and form a dream. Set some goals and go for them! Stop selling yourself short! You are so loyal to your friends. Be loyal to yourself for a change!
"Who has a fiercer struggle than he who strives to conquer himself?" Thomas Kempis
"Self-trust is the first secret of success." Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed." Booker T. Washington
With Love,
Your Mom
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Hugs.
Please feel good about yourself tonight. Feel good about your strength, your ability to grow and change, and mostly, to love even when it is really hard and painful.
xo
I'll comment when I stop crying...
Peace to you all.
Well done, well said, well written.........
We await the reaction and response with you.
Rated
I credit the fact that I'm still alive however to the positive lessons I learned from my folks. That and a few miracles.
Stick to what you wrote. Any less is NOT helping your beloved son. The time for enabling is over.
God be with you.....
I've been in your shoes with my own son. I've cried many nights. I loved him enough to let him stay in jail and made him take responsibility for his choices. He survived. He had a hard road along the way but he made it.
Just love him. That's all you can do. Just love him.
(((Patricia)))
So please forgive me if I sound perhaps cold or uncaring...believe me, I'm not, and alcohol/drug abuse have played a huge role in my family and in my personal development. I'm just cutting to the chase, and that is only natural after you have gone through years and years of this...
You are moving along pretty well in this painful process. God, how badly it must hurt to have this happen to a child. In my case, it was my mother (my father just dropped out when I was born and alcohol took over HIS life.) But there's a similar modality: at age 11-12 I endured a solid year of my mother's steady decline from bad to extremely bad before I felt that I was justified in running away from home. In my case she had to go on a bender for a solid week, missing work entirely, both waking up and going to bed drunk, utterly unpredictable in her behavior, before I felt that maybe it was ok for me to take care of myself instead of her. It's a shitty lesson to learn when you're a kid, but maybe it's better learned as a kid than as a parent.
In my view, you are perhaps at 1.5 on a progression from 0 to 10. You are talking to your son hopefully about how your current stance is going to help him to progress in a healthy direction. Look, this hurts, but your current stance is helping YOU to progress, not David. He's on his own path and you have less and less to do with it every day. My unasked-for advice is to prepare yourself for the worst. Get ready to let go. REALLY let go. It's out of your hands at this point. I know I'm not the first to tell you this. I'm sorry. So, so sorry.
Hold on to every source of support you can. I wouldn't be here today if not for all the healthy, caring, dependable people who looked out for me when I was lost. Bless you. All strength to you.
As mothers, we want so badly to make things right for our children. We want to protect them from the consequences of their actions. It's our nature to do that - it's how God made us. Stepping back to let them suffer the consequences of their own actions is one of the most difficult things we ever have to do as a mother. You are a strong, wise mother and I applaud you for taking this step. It is never easy and only another mother can truly understand how difficult it is.
Feel good about this. It's the right thing. To steal a phrase from Verbal Remedy, "Let Go and Let God."
(((Hugs)))
I also want to suggest that you continue to help him in some ways if he has been behaving well. Obviously, don't cover his tracks when and if he drinks and makes himself more trouble, but if he is sober and needs a ride to work, for example, it might be best to do it.
Otherwise, it will be seen as punitive, and punishment tends to serve the addiction. "My mom doesn't care if I try to do things right; it's all about making me hurt more." That kind of thinking is a powerful motivator to drink.
You don't want to "bankrupt" him, and by that I mean you don't want to take everything away so that it doesn't matter much whether he tries to do better. If there's nothing to earn back, why try?
So I would suggest not bailing him out, not calling his boss if he's too hungover to work, etc. But do reinforce his appropriate behavior. If he goes to work, or if he stays sober for a period of time, make his favorite meal, or go play miniature golf together.
If he screws up, get out your contract and tell him he agreed to the rules and now you must follow through. Be direct and matter-of-fact about it. It's not punishment; rather, it is a learning tool.
Some people (Al-Anon?) do think cutting people off entirely helps, but I disagree unless there is no other option. The suggestions I've made here come from learning theory. Think about what you want him to learn, and guide your own behavior accordingly.
I hope this helps. Try not to feel guilty over your past choices with him. You did what you thought was right. We all want to help our kids grow and do well, and that is where your behavior comes from, the desire to help. It flies in the face of what we believe our roles should be with our kids, especially adult children. It's a learning process.
You all continue in my prayers.
Monte
Your first comment in the feed gives me cause for some concern. Are you questioning your ability to actually send this letter to your son or to follow through with what you say you will do in the letter? You need to think about that. As I see it, if you *don't* follow through with what you say you will do, you are back to the same place you were when you allowed him to get behind the wheel of a car. And then both you and your husband are equally as responsible for your actions as your son is for his own.
Good luck with this. And as Buffy said, borrow all the strength and love that people can loan. Put your words into action, real action and you may save more lives than you know, including your son's and your own.
Now, as an open letter from me to you: please don't suffer through this alone. You and your husband NEED to join a support group that can help you navigate this difficult time for you. These groups can provide resources - counseling for you, advice on the smartest way to deal with your son moving forward, and emotional support from people who are going through the same thing.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html
When my son got out of road camp for kiting a check that of course wasn't his but a friends who he trusted he had already been living in his truck at different parks until the cops would chase him off. I bought a 5th wheel and placed it in my side yard as he had tried living in the house with us and had reverted to being 12 years old. I would drive him to work when needed and pick him up at midnight when he got off work but I would never NOT talk about his addiction and where it was leading him and I have his checks deposited into my bank account automatically so I pay his bills take back what I may have loaned him and then he got what was left.
He rode up the hill with me yesterday to visit his dying Grandma and we talked about rehab and I was saying what a great place it was because he had tried before and it didn't work. His answer was and listen closely.... It was not the rehab that was so incredible but his choice this time to take the help offered and learn from it. My son would not have said that last year. SO have faith but remember he has to be ready so help when you can so he can stand but not enough to make him 12 again. I send my love and my heart to you and do I still worry daily yes but I have faith and hope and sometimes that is all we have.
We pray for your strength.
You know where I am if I can help.
xo
a tough,yet sensible decision.
We can not keep on enabling.
Or something like that. And change the locks. I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart, HB
this is exactly what needed to happen, now you and your son need to believe these words like no others. I've often wondered aloud here on OS why love isn't enough to keep our children safe. I guess that would just be too easy.
Rated
I don't believe 'you' are killing your son - for his own reasons, he is choosing that self-destruction for himself. I hope he seeks help. Time for you and your family to arm yourselves with information about addiction, and a support group like Al-Anon to lend help.
Namaste.