I have always had a knack for dealing with personal crisis, or the crisis of others--I don't know why. Whether it be while engaged in crisis counseling, or crisis in my personal life, I tend to become calm and and focused, rather than flying apart or freezing up. On the other hand, dealing with anger has always been a problem. In my marriage for example, when my wife and I are having an argument, I am prone to raise my voice, even yell at times. Some would say that this is only human (some would not say that), but my feeling is that yelling, even raising one's voice, can be seen as a form of aggression--as hurtful as a slap.

Now, I could also justify this behavior by saying that my wife also raises her voice, or speaks in a harsh tone, or criticizes, or belittles, or ignores at times. But that does not justify my own verbal aggression.

Not only do I want to solve this problem because I love my wife and do not want to hurt her, but also because by losing control verbally, I feel that I am hurting myself, preventing my own growth. Thich Nanh Hanh, the Buddhist priest, has written extensively on the subject of anger, and I have read a number of his books, including the one entitled "Anger." But reading his books has not solved the problem. He recommends meditation as a key as a primary tool for surmounting this problem. And while I am very good at engaging in active forms of meditation or contemplation, through music, physical activity, being out in nature, creative writing, etc., sitting meditation in silence has been a practice that has so far eluded me. Or I have failed to take the time or make sufficient effort.

I would like to take my capacity for dealing with crisis and translate that ability into the realm of dealing appropriately with anger. Is not the feeling of "anger exploding inside" a form of crisis? Why can I not become a crisis manager of my own anger impulse, and learn to not yell, and instead either be silent and reflect or speak the truth in a spirit of love, when sharing is important.

I am not one to beat a pillow or even walk away from an argument (I do not even think that the former works). But perhaps I do need to make an effort to withhold responding for some period of time, just creatively reflect on the anger and its source, as Thich Nanh Hanh suggests, in his own terms. Perhaps I need to see anger as a gift, a message, a coping response that can work for my own benefit, and the benefit of my wife, and others.

When I lose my balance and fall to the ground, I have a tendency to relax my body without even thinking about it, and in so doing I almost always avoid serious injury. Whether I learned this playing a lot of sports, or it is just something built into my psyche, I do not know. I do know that I would love to learn that relaxation response to the internal explosion of anger. When I "fall into anger," it would be beneficial, I realize, to somehow relax into the experience, rather than tense up and act out.

Is this possible? i would love to hear from others.