Twice in the past couple of days, being on the receiving end of a hurtful remark, one passive-aggressive, one not...Either way, hurt is hurt. Amd how to respond?
First, to evaluate my own behavior, and try to ferret out those times when I have hurt others with my words, or might be tempted to.
Second, to consider whether to confront the person directly or let it pass.
I tend to let it pass, but occasionally I do respond and then sometimes suffer more hurtful consequences. But at least I stood up for myself in that instance.
Of course, everyone else has experienced the same thing and gone through the same decision-making process in deciding how to respond.
Often these hurtful words come out so fast that I am taken by surprise and I become tongue-tied. other times I think that responding with negativity to negativity accomplishes nothing.
One of my heroes is MLK, and he counseled nonviolence, and his philosophy made a deep impression on me. He knew nothing about the internet, of course, but how would he advise bloggers or Facebookers who are subjected to verbal abuse?
I raise these questions again because these incidents continue to present themselves. I am able to take care of myself, but what about others who may be much more vulnerable?
Then, there is the fact that we are subjected to a toxic media and political environment in which individuals are lied about and denigrated at the drop of a hat. How do we respond to that?
That's it.
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Please distinguish between NOT trying to hurt someone and openly trying. That's key. Most people can tell the difference, I think.
As far as concern for the vulnerable, if it's not an error or miscommunication, to me if a person doesn't mind saying hurtful things they won't mind me telling others what they said. Those who are thick skinned may not mind and those who are not can avoid the person who likes being hurtful or choose to interact with them being hopeful that the person won't do the same to them. I am sensitive and would rather know if someone is not averse to saying hurtful things so I can choose whether to interact with them.
Early in 1963, as integration was being forced upon whites in Alabama, MLK organized protests of segregation in areas where it was most deeply embedded. A group of religious leaders in the State published two letters in newspapers (one in January, the other in April) advocating, among other things, that
• matters involving such disputes be handled in the courts,
• their parishioners not participate in protests, and
• inflammatory or rebellious statements be avoided.
While never mentioning MLK, both letters, in parts, were clearly directed at him. These letters criticized the influence of “outsiders” in agitating the protestors. These letters were both drafted and signed by whites.
The first letter is usually known as “An Appeal for Law and Order and Common Sense”. It may be viewed here:
http://summerinstitutealabama.pbworks.com/w/page/26709673/Law%20and%20Order%20Appeals
The second letter is usually referred to as “A Call for Unity”. It may be viewed here:
http://www.stanford.edu/group/King//frequentdocs/clergy.pdf
MLK’s response to both letters was contained in his “Letter from a Birmingham Jail”. It may be viewed here:
http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/resources/article/annotated_letter_from_birmingham/
In responding, MLK first qualifies his effort as warranted by what he sees as the good intentions of his critics. Otherwise, he writes, he wouldn’t have time for “productive work” if he responded to all of those who condemned his actions.
Perhaps more importantly, MLK’s response is well founded. MLK had a clear and detailed vision of his beliefs and values and a thorough knowledge of the sources and the history on which they were predicated.
In turn, MLK was a great admirer of Mahatma Gandhi. Both were widely condemned and ridiculed during the course of their lifetimes for what they thought and what they did.
If you haven’t been, I would recommend a trip south to Atlanta. After your tour of the MLK National Historic Site, walk up the road a short distance to the Carter Center and see if Brother Jimmy is around to further advise you on how to handle hurtful words.
By being honorably patient and always aware our words will be recalled later. By trying to always hold the hard line for honesty. By not allowing our thoughts to pervert the worth of the other person. That's what MLK would have advised, i'm guessing.
Peace to you, Patrick.
It would be nice if honesty and non-violent communication could work with everyone but, let's face it, some people just thrive on conflict and getting emotional power over others. There's just no way that a conscientious person like you is going to talk them out of that adrenaline rush. I would recommend disengaging emotionally from people like that. In other words, dial back on giving them the "authentic" Patrick. Give yourself permission to be a fake "yes man" to them while in private shaking your head or rolling your eyes. These people don't deserve interactions with the real "you", and--if you don't disengage--you will continually be in the position of having to right your emotional boat. Which will lead to resentment and repression. You definitely don't want that.