Patton Lee Beaugus

Patton Lee Beaugus
Hell's Kitchen, New York, USA
January 01
Joliet Prison Psychiatric Ward
Writer and bar room philosopher. Convictions for molesting verbs and fragmenting sentences without a license. Author of Married Men's Militia — a Battleguide for Divorcing Guys. After I made a heroic escape from the Joliet Prison Psychward by braiding my beard and pulling a Rapunzel, I changed my identity from John Patrick Gallagher to Colonel Patton Lee Beaugus.



An esoteric essay on current economic perceptions and the fallacies therein. Or something like that.

Negativity rules these days, in the media, at the lunch counters, the tennis court juice bars, the beauty shops, opium dens, and on the bar stools occupied by guys who teasingly show off theiRead full post »

JANUARY 29, 2010 7:55AM

The Holy Ghost Will Work For Food

Written Under Divine Inspiration by Paddy The Prophet

As a child who thought as a child, I believed what I was taught by nuns with sharp rulers that there was only one God.  One… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 18, 2009 7:57AM

Tunes To Fight The War On Drugs By

By this headline, of course, I mean fighting for Drugs, not against.
On November 18, 1988 President Ronald Reagan signed the War on Drugs Bill providing the death penalty for murderous drug traffickers and Liberal Democrats who'd had more than a joint back in high school.
NOVEMBER 15, 2009 7:20AM

Let's Make OS Into Dungeons & Dragons

I think this blog is already in a verbal Civil War. We just aren't keeping score beyond awarding points for Ratings, Reads, and Comments.  So I can't tell who is winning. And being a guy, I like to know things like that, so I can  get down a bet.… Read full post »
NOVEMBER 11, 2009 1:33PM

Should We Legalize The Good Sht, Man?


Recent changes in medical marijuana policies have renewed interest in making pot legal, or at the very least, decriminalizing it. Like far out!

It probably won't surprise anyone that I'm not only for legalization, I think ganja should be classified as a "green industy" and everything from gr… Read full post »
NOVEMBER 9, 2009 7:50AM

Beck Operation A Secret Socialist Plot

Last week, the Great Glenn was hospitalized with an appendicitis attack, taking him off the air during the critical house vote on Pelosicare.  A coincidence?  We don’t think so.   

Our secret sources reveal that former CIA officers, pledged to Pelosi and her… Read full post »
NOVEMBER 8, 2009 7:13AM

An OS Wanna-Be

screamI rarely leave my little room
My keyboard's all I touch.
I'm just a loner loser
who wants to win so much.

Read Me! Rate Me! Comment!
To ignore me is to damn me.
Make me feel there's someone there
who reads and understands me.

I want to… Read full post »


One terrorist act was enough to start two patriotic wars in the Middle East. Now we have a new terrorist act in Texas with the largest body count since 9-11.

This act of terror demands we declare war on somebody. Since we are already at war with radical Islam, it… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 6, 2009 12:45PM

I Had Holy Sex With Jesus

carrie-prejean-topless1By Carrie PreJean as told to the Reverend Patton Lee Beaugus in a vision

Carrie PreJean appeared to me in a dream in all her radiant glory, if you know what I mean. God’s Favorite Beauty Queen told me that although Vivid offered her a million dollars to do a… Read full post »

I would like to leave a legacy to those who follow me. Figuring out what it should be has turned out to be difficult.  And not only because I’m half blotto.

Unfortunately, I have no empire to divide into bequests. I have no body of artistic work beyond a number… Read full post »

OCTOBER 23, 2009 8:43AM

Technology 235 — Me Zero

techno_twiiterBefore I join the other Used2Bs fastbreaking into another pathetic whine about how technology is complicating our lives, I thought I’d start by writing that my generation, the baby bummers, were the first real techno generation. Then I decided I won't, because although it sounds good, i… Read full post »
GOD-285x400Under Sharia law, righteous Islamic dudes can cane women who drink beer while wearing pants. Like whack them with a cane! 

This doesn’t seem fair, does it? Don’t us non-Moslems have equal rights? Why should those guys get to cane their women when we can’t even cane the… Read full post »
OCTOBER 12, 2009 7:15AM

Be Your Own Float

Columbus Day is arguably one of the dumbest American holidays — especially since there is no "Leif Erikson Day", or even a "We Were Already Here, Stupid EuroTrash" Day.  Nonetheless, it is a holiday the Italiens seem to like, but I'd wager a salami that "Frank Sinatra Day" would be even… Read full post »

OCTOBER 5, 2009 11:57AM

We've Got China All Wrong

China isn't the country we're reading and hearing about. Reporters, at least, don't see her as she really is, because they are looking at her thru Cold War glasses and using all the wrong terms to describe her.
Let me tell you how I came to this conclusion. My epiphany started… Read full post »
Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 1, 2009 8:05AM

The New Business Dresscode

We upscale home-based executives whose office is our computer chair appear to have a new uniform. Business Jammies for the ladies and Executive Skivies for the gentlemen.

dressed for work
We like these casual outfits because they are cool and comfortable, and they look okay, even on Skype. We roll out of… Read full post »
SEPTEMBER 28, 2009 10:36AM

Yo, Econ Wonks! Show Me The Numbers!


When it comes to economics, I want more than theories, generalities, and commonly wrong wisdom. I want to know the numbers. And I want to know how those numbers were generated.

Hidden inside some computers somewhere there are mathematical models and equations. I know it. You… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 25, 2009 12:23PM

GOP Adopts Marxist Philosophy — Groucho's

Whatever It Is, I'm Against It

I watched the Senate Subcommittee doing the markup of the Bachus bill, and it is obvious (in case you've been asleep for 9 months) Bi-partisianship has failed. It takes two to bi, and Republicans don’t want to try.

The GOP has decided that for their side to win Obama, Pelosi, Healt… Read full post »