By Carrie PreJean as told to the Reverend Patton Lee Beaugus in a vision

Carrie PreJean appeared to me in a dream in all her radiant glory, if you know what I mean. God’s Favorite Beauty Queen told me that although Vivid offered her a million dollars to do a film, she was not going to going to do it — unless Jesus was her costar.

 Jesus must have been listening.

Before I relate my full vision of Carrie PreJean and Jesus, I want to go on the record to say that Carrie is a good Christian woman being persecuted because she had her holy breasts enhanced, something I know Mary Magdelene, the 13^th apostle, would have understood. 

Carrie is  being persecuted because she defends her religion against vicious attacks in the form of evil questions for which she hasn’t prepared answers. 

She is being persecuted because she spoke a truth that made her famous. And that truth is gays don’t deserve to marry because Carrie wasn’t brought up that way, and it is not her duty to think. After all, in a beauty queen with those looks, a brain is superfluous. And that is God’s will.

Because of all this Carrie is suffering the tests of Job. Her most recent Job-like setback was having to drop her righteous court case against the pageant people because of a video tape showing her doing what comes naturally.

As a good Christian, Carrie took this in stride and asked Jesus into her life to manage it.  She offered him double a management fees, plus the same side deal she had with Donald Trump. Jesus said “yes” which led to her appearance in my vision, pro bono, and her enhancing her relationship with the Lord.

She told me that she thought she had met Jesus by accident, but it must have been “God’s Will”, which she’d heard of, but never read,

I asked her how she knew it was really Him.

“At first I thought he was only a busboy, but then he gave me this holy look and said his name was Jesus, and my implants started vibrating.” But that wasn’t all.

“I know he was the real Jesus,” she said, “because of the miracle of the fishes and the loaves. He brought me a shrimp cocktail that never ran out of shrimp.  And the basket of Irish Soda Bread was always full of bread.

“Jesus turned my water into wine, a nice dry Chablis.  And he promised he would raise my dead career like he did for Lazarus who went on to became a top Pharisee and even got on Jerusalem Idol, which isn’t in any of the gospels.”

“I especially know he was the real Jesus because when was when I asked him about homosexuals and he said sodomy between the same sexes was an abomination. And gays should not allowed to be married. And he preferred civil unions to be valid only in the seventh level of hell. So I know it was Him.”

“He told me what I did to the Donald to keep my crown the first time was a holy act.  He said He was watching from heaven when I made the Donald see the light, and it was in that spirit that he was coming on to me.”

“Jesus said he wanted to know me in a Biblical Manner which I thought was just the missionary position, but he also taught me the Stations Of The Cross, and a new way to get holy in new places with a rosary with really big beads.”

“I asked if this was going to be a second coming.  And He smiled.  And it was.  And He said I was really holy.”

So endeth the vision.

I imagine that there are doubting Thomases out there might think I was just imagining Carrie and Jesus and the blasphemous thing with the palm leaves and the donkey, and this wasn’t a true vision.  Oh ye of little faith!  

Before you cast the first commentary stone, let it be known I have a wet spot on my sheets to prove it was real as anything that’s happened to me lately.