Poor Journalist Gets to Business: Day 8

By Patty Jane Maher,

(Writer's Note: This story is part of a series called "Poor Journalist Gets to Business."  The series is about my goal to earn $57 K in Michigan during the recession selling things. I didn't set this goal until March, so I have some make-up work to do.  I was a newspaper journalist for more than 10 years and newspaper jobs have dried up in Michigan.  This series is about my career transition. Click around my blog for other stories in this series. Most of my posts since March 1 2010 are related.)

I went to my favorite place to pray last night after work, realizing how much I need God in my life and that I’ll crash and burn without Him. This is a really huge goal I’ve set – to earn $57 K in Michigan this year during the middle of the recession – especially since I won't really be able to start selling until April. I won't make it if I shut God out.

A few things that happened yesterday reminded me of this fact. .

Let me tell you I’m no do-gooder Christian. What I mean by that is that I am not out to try to change anyone’s views on spirituality and God. I don’t think I would be very successful at that even if I tried. I seek God because I really need God. Without God, I'm sunk. I've done a lot of research in this area.

Today I am a woman who is desperate for God -- but not at all in a preachy way. If I don’t pray and meditate and go to God for help, my life spirals out of control quickly. A good sign that this is starting to happen is when I start losing things. I can’t find my keys. I leave my debit card in the ATM machine. I forget to pay a bill or to buy milk on the way home from work.

Because I am living with Multiple Sclerosis and managing an eating disorder, this everyday chaos causes a big mess for me pretty quickly. The next thing you know I’m at McDonald’s drive-through ordering junk from the dollar menu. That’s really serious for me. It’s just like an alcoholic downing a shot of whiskey. It’s not the sort of thing I can manage.

So I need to feel connected everyday with the love of God. Being aware of God’s love for me in an intellectual sense isn’t enough. I need to sit with God. I need to breathe with God. I need to know there’s One who’s waaaaaaaay bigger than me. And for me personally, I just need to say “Thank you, Jesus.”

Since I found Open Salon about a month ago and have made such wonderful creative friends from all over the world (I have “favorites” from Argentina, France and Greece and I love that), I’ve not been watching my Facebook newsfeed very attentively. This morning I noticed that this week is Multiple Sclerosis Awareness Week. A video was posted. I watched it. It was humbling.

My MS symptoms are not so apparent. Even my friend who teaches dancing said he couldn’t tell my rhythm was off when he was giving me a dancing lesson last year. But my balance is off quite a bit. I haven't danced once since that lesson. I may need to face that fear and dance anyway, even if my balance is off and I am lacking in coordination. This same friend tried to train me for a 5K last summer and I gave up. It wasn’t the MS that caused me to give up but other drama in my life and the fact that I’ve never been very athletic. That’s one of the reasons why I am so tickled that I’m genuinely good at sailboat racing. It’s always been the case that people walk past me when I run in the park. I run like a girl. I look a bit silly. But last summer when I was running sometimes I wanted to cry a little bit because I noticed my right leg drags a little. Some days it’s worse than others. I think I can still run a 5 K and I would like to try to start running a bit if I can fit that in my schedule.

My memory seems to be a bit effected by the MS, too. Some people say that memory fades as people get older but here is an example of what I mean: One of my favorite authors had been that guy who wrote Breakfast of Champions and all of those other edgy novels. I read a bunch of them, but then we had a falling out with Bluebeard  (I didn't tell him, but you know what I mean) and I just couldn’t read his books anymore – too sickening for me. He crossed a certain line. I appreciated his effort as a writer, don’t get me wrong. But it was just too much for me, I couldn't read him anymore.  A few days ago The Official Kilgore Trout of Open Salon posted a comment on one of my stories and I was so delighted. Since then I have been trying to recall the name of that guy who wrote those books and I can’t come up with his name. It has been about two days. I wanted just to remember but I will have to Google to remember. I really still can’t recall his name. I’ve read at least four of his books, probably six. I can picture his face. I know he died within the last year or so and he taught at the Iowa creative writing program and was considered a fabulous teacher. But I don’t know his name.

Maybe that’s just old age. I’m 44. But I’ve always been a pretty smart person when it comes to things like that. Whether it’s old age or Multiple Sclerosis, I suppose it really doesn’t matter. The important thing is that this situation reminds me that I am utterly reliant on God.

This morning I woke up thinking about the words of St. Teresa of Avila and how they apply to the goals I have set for myself this year. Her words really inspired me and encouraged me to keep going. I feel like God is with me on this journey, that somehow it is His will for me to meet this goal that I have set. But I trust the better path is to stay close to Him in prayer during this journey, whatever the outcome. If I stay close to God in prayer during this journey, I will still feel the love of God in my life (I believe it is always there whether or not we are tuned in to it).  I also may accomplish my goal of earning $57 K in Michigan during the recession this year. In fact, I have a very good feeling that I will meet that goal.

But if I do not stay close to God and keep contact with His love and grace that is so abundant, then I will be a complete mess! Honestly, I’ll be sunk. The nice thing about God that I have come to understand is that His love is very patient even when I make a huge and utter mess of everything. He’s not an I-told-you-so God, not at all. He has a sense of humor about it, I feel. It’s like he’s looking at me and offering me the easy way every day and just smiling at me with love and watching me make my messes when I take the hard way, instead.

So, I’m going to try a bit more to let go and let God -- because I really want to win this time. I want to take my niece on a memorable trip for her graduation present and I really want to be there for the ones who I love, not face down in drama that I've created by taking the hard way.

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For Your Refrigerator Door

Quotes from St. Teresa of Avila

 “Let nothing disturb thee; Let nothing dismay thee; All thing pass; God never changes. Patience attains all that it strives for.  He who has God finds he lacks nothing:
God alone suffices.” 

“It is love alone that gives worth to all things.” 

“Pain is never permanent.”

 “To have courage for whatever comes in life -
everything lies in that.”

“It is true that we cannot be free from sin, but at least
 let our sins not be always the same.”

“(Said of God): If this is the way you treat your friends,
 it's no wonder you have so few!”

“Let nothing disturb thee, nothing affright thee; all things are passing;  God never changeth.”