Palm Beach, Florida

Rush Limbaugh, conservative radio talk show host and Republican Party leader was rushed to Palm Beach Community Hospital this morning. The 911 tape has not been released, but sources inside the Palm Beach Emergency Services confirmed that Mr. Limbaugh had made the call.

The sources claim that Rush, apparently distraught over his impotence in influencing public healthcare policy, had taken a large overdose of Viagra. "He was complaining of chest pains, labored breathing and socialism,” one source explained.

In a hastily organized press briefing, hospital spokesman Harvey Hardt fielded questions from reporters. He assured all that Mr. Limbaugh was in good condition, but due to patient confidentiality would not provide any details. After several questions concerning the rumors of Viagra overdose and the known effect of the drug, Hardt made the following statement:

“As a general medical statement, it is known that long term abuse of oxycodone can lead to the atrophy of male genetailia. In such cases, all Viagra can raise is the level of sildenafil citrate - the active ingredient - and blood pressure.”

Following up on that statement, this reporter contacted Marta Maranda, a former Mrs. Limbaugh. I asked about the rumors of atrophy and impotence, and if the couple had divorced due to Rush’s inability to consummate the marriage.

She said the records of their 2004 divorce had been sealed by the court, and a confidentiality agreement prevented her from commenting. She did, however, provide this quote:

“I can say this - the next time I go down on a vanilla bean and two raisins sitting on a pile of white mush, it’ll be a bowl of tapioca pudding.”

Mr. Limbaugh was treated for a blue tongue and released.