I may or may not have mentioned that I enjoy meditating, and that it has affected my life in ways so much more powerful than I ever could have anticipated.  I may also have mentioned that the last couple of years have been pretty traumatic and stressful for me.  So what else is new?  The world is going to hell in a hand basket and it has decided to take most of us with it.  Our choice:  to lay down and die, or show everyone what we’re made of.  Like you (yes you - if you were dead, you wouldn’t be blogging), I chose to forge bravely ahead.  Still, by the end of the first year,  I was so exhausted that I couldn’t concentrate anymore, and so stressed, that I could no longer locate my PAUSE button.  

I used to be quite advanced, but since then, I have been unable to do even the simplest breathing meditation.  I have tried and tried, but that brain of mine just won’t shut the f- up!  I’ve tried every trick in the book.  I’ve tried only focusing on my breath.  I’ve tried asking my mind to go sit in the corner and solve a complex mathematical problem (‘And don’t come back until you’ve finished!’).  I’ve tried placing my thoughts into a cloud and setting them adrift.  I’ve tried turning my thoughts into a flock of blackbirds.  I’ve even given them faces and assigned a professor to babysit the rowdy bunch of them in another room - they continually manage to escape his absent-minded supervision...

Yesterday was different.  I had big plans to straighten up the chaos in my office and start preparing to move, but they all went awry.  First, one of my girlfriends called me in the morning.  She was very upset and in need of my company.  When I got back, my mother called.  Then some friends Skyped me.  Then my best friend came over.  By the time she left, it was 7 pm and I was in no mood to work.  I decided to throw caution to the wind and watch some TV, something I very rarely allow myself to do.  For the first time in ages, I hadn’t done any work on a Sunday and I had been too occupied to feel guilty about it!

When I went to bed, my fears came rushing at me from all directions.  I didn’t think it would  do any good, but I decided to at least try meditating.  I used to meditate with a group once a month and had noticed how much higher the energy was and how much easier it had been to focus.  I thought it was a pity that I was all alone and I felt very small.  But then I heard my inner voice speak to me.  It urged me to believe that I was, in fact, infinitely large.  That I was a part of the great Divine Entity, just like a cell is part of a human body, and that as such, I myself was divine and had access to infinite energy and power.  Okay, why not?  I decided to go with that thought.  My entire body began to tingle.

I then had an idea:  there must be millions of people praying right at this very moment.  Why not join forces?  So I visualized them all praying to their personal gods.  Then I zoomed out and saw us all as points on the globe.  I saw circles of energy connecting us all and rising above the Earth, forming a cloud of wishes.  I saw this breathtaking brilliant blue energy swirling in and around the Earth.  The tingling grew stronger.  I wished for myself, and I wished for everyone else, and together we were stronger than the sum of our parts.  Every so often, I would get distracted and my mind would go off on a tangent, but I was able to catch it pretty quickly and bring it back.

I moved beyond the cloud of wishes and began to ponder the ways of the Universe.  Good and evil.  Light and dark.  I saw the yin yang symbol, knew that good and evil are always in perfect balance and that all is as it should be - one cannot exist without the other.  I thought of the question people so often ask:  If there is a God, why is there so much evil, why is it allowed?  I received an answer:  Without evil, we could never experience good.  We would have no point of reference.  We could not know what we are or what we wish to be - we would have no free will.  I went further, asking questions about time and dimensions, to which I received some very interesting answers.  

During this entire exercise, I could also feel my heart swelling, bursting out of my chest which was no longer large enough to hold it.  I eventually removed my hands, which I had placed over my heart in order to concentrate, and it continued to expand until I felt completely open and felt only love for everyone and everything.  Then I went to sleep.  

When I woke up this morning, I felt completely rested and ready to tackle the day - a feeling I haven’t had in a long time!  A funny thing has been happening all day today.  Everywhere I go, strangers have been seeking eye contact with me, smiling brightly as if they know me, and even speaking to me.  Wonder if they were praying at 11:30 last night too...