The Watery Bits of the Empire State.,
June 04
Queen of the Underworld and other Points South.
If I must.
Native Los Angeleno now in the wilds of the Fingerlakes of Northwestern NY. Love makes you do all sorts of strange things, don't it?


Persephone13's Links
JUNE 2, 2010 8:04PM


Rate: 66 Flag





I dunno if many remember me here.

Some do, I think..who knows?

Hi. If yadoo.

I didn't flounce exactly...I just....disappeared. Into my messy life for a while. And I didn't respond to emails, and I am a bad, bad person. Or maybe I just hate email. Oh, I know I hate email, who am I kidding?

I don't know how to reintroduce meself, and I am not sure if I am back, given my constant fear of having nothing to say.. so I am just going to blither on and see how it feels. I would rather bring you cookies and tea and sit on your porch and tell you that I am lonely, but not with words. I just want to sit near you and enjoy your proximity and ask for nothing and concentrate on things outside myself.

I want to listen to your problems to feel connected.

I want to see how you are doing this life thing. And if its anything like mine. Am I fucking up? Or is everyone without a paddle and faking it like me? Even my thoughts are trite. Amazing.


I had this lovely experience recently.


Wait...let me back up.



I had this total and complete breakdown recently.


Yeah. Thats more truthful.


Things piled up. Crisis in relationship that is being worked out. Big sister had a brain tumor removed...and it found it's way back.  Now we are deciding what to do next, as if its ANYONE else's problem but Audrey's and all our thinking about it and talking about it matters.... And how marvelous is that...Audrey, of the fine mind and grey eyes and wonderful marriage and kind heart is dying but Pat Robertson lives on. Awesome.



I am unconnected to people here in NY (have I been homesick for LA?..YOU BETCHA!) , so my connections tend to come from media. And media is bad. Media exaggerates and panders and bloviates and snarls and is purient beyond belief. So.

So. I have that and sadness and stress at home and money money money problems and I grew ever numb. Despair has always been a pal to me, a familiar groove in my brain that the wheels of my thoughts fall into with gloomy relish. It's easy and comfortable and I never wanted to be here anyway..but here I am cleaning the toilet and making pretty things and smiling as much as possible and..

And then I lost it. And I ended up in Austin in my momma's guest bedroom and we sat together and we drank tea and wine and watched MadMen and Dexter and read books and talked about everyone and didn't talk at all and after a month I stopped shaking.

I am ashamed of my weakness. I could say that I have been juggling for a long time, and that I should get pat-on-the-head  credit for that, and-and and-really-really I am a good person for reals...but in truth I just pooped out. Too many 20 hour days. Too much stress, too little sex, too little contact...and death always ready to say howdy, but not to me.


Not to me. Which would be better, I think far too often for other peoples comfort, so I keep that bit to myself... I never wanted to be here. I never ASKED to be here, and I am still kinda mad that I didn't get a choice about it (that I can remember anyway..) Audrey can stay if she wants..I'll go. It's cool. She is doing the life thing better than me.

That was me. That is me. Self indulgent and scattered and weak and wanting praise for my hard work and fearing praise because when they like you they tear you down. Another thing media taught me.

Then Spring came early. Daffodils and lilacs, peonies and now the fireflies. And it didn't make it all better but it made me smile.

David bought me two gifts for the birthday ('s Friday..gee...methinks he's been a little scared).  The first is a beautiful, beautiful mint green and chocolate bike. I had not been on a bike in 20 years. I love her. I LOVE her and I ride her every day since getting her. Her name is Sarah. I have NO idea why. 

 Yay. I wear ponytails and cat eye sunglasses and bought a wicker basket for her and we look so cute racing down the street, my big thighs working harder than they have in a while. I have not felt cute in so long.

The other gift was all of the "Post Secret" books I didn't own. Which is a lot, as I only had the one, and had forgotten about it.

"One for the body, one for the heart" he said.

And I read all these books and I see such...poetry. 

Weakness and cravenness and fear and kindness and sadness and loss and I am carefully and gently and movingly reminded that everyone everyone everyone is thinking all these sad, delicious, dangerous, scary, thoughtful, kind, generous thoughts and I am awakened.

My heart just opens up and I see pink again and everywhere and I know it won't last but right now I have this bike and these books and I am using my body and softening my heart and I love David again. I have always loved David. I will always love David. I hope the circumstances of the world..our world..doesn't fuck that up.

And its funny...writing all that down sounds unbelievably shallow, but the feeling is profound and I wish I were a writer so I could show you how tenderly I love you.

Yes, you. And you too.

Play nice, ok? It's mean out there.












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There is a doe outside my window staring at me right now. Go ahead and eat my tulips...its totally fine, sweetie.
Really nice post._r
Welcome back, chica. A breakdown isn't the worst thing that can happen, especially when you have a place to land where you can take the time to stop shaking. Sometimes letting it go is the only way to see some light . . . just takes awhile.

Be gentle with yourself. You'll figure it out. And I know I said it before, but welcome back.
chocolate and mint bikes with girls in cat eyed glasses... welcome back. I used to lurk and read you, I joined some time ago. Glad to see you, I liked this post very much...
Thank you Joan..

Thank you Owlie...(smooch)
Rita how very kind of you..thank you. I am glad you are not lurking!
Nice to see you again!
More Sarah, the mint green and chocolate bike! Loved your post. r.
An edible bike, that's a whole lot better than a bunny.

I am glad that you are back, and that you have survived all of the crap in your life. Being a survivor is a heavy burden to bear as I know from experience. It can get too heavy at times.

I know some stresses are ongoing, but I am so happy to see you and to read you. I have a mental image of you on your new bike that makes me smile and smile. So glad that you are able to find some joy.
I remember you. I stopped writing here for the winter had to fight my way through it emotionally. Lost interest in reading or writing and that scared me. Yet here we are!
Thank you Jeff...I think there will be many Sarah Adventures soon...none of which will involve blood or injury....hopefully.
Welcome back, I do remember you. Life does throw us curveballs, but a bike and spring brought you back. Cool.
Emma love! Hi you...Missed You.
It is totally mean out there. Welcome back.
And here I was, thinking you'd been raptured up or something cool like that. Well, a bike and some books are probably better than rapturing. Welcome back.

Seriously, I gave a tiny squeal when I saw your name in the feed.
nice to see you again here on OS. We need pics of you in pigtails and sunglasses on your chocolate mint bike. xo
Welcome back Jhone :) it's good to see (read) you.
A squeal? You are dear...and I am undeserving. Thank you.

Pictures? heh...Maybe of Sarah!...we shall see...Maybe I will edit this tomorrow and add pictures of her.
Missed you. Waiting to see your newest creations!
I remember you! You aren't the only one that the darkness almost swallowed; it is becoming more common each day. Keep on the bike, it will do wonders.
welcome back - i remember all of your lovely creations, cake earrings and other beauties. glad you found a safe home for these words because they are also amazingly touching and beautiful.
Welcome back. I'd wondered where you'd gone.
Oh hon, I'm so glad you're back. I've missed you so much, and been worried. I just thought maybe you were taking an extended vacation, and I'm sorry I didn't know it was more serious than that.
You are so creative, and so amazing. Your presence here adds so much. You add so much to everything. Please keep coming back and writing.
Gosh. I missed you so.
How wonderful to see you again. Just wonderful. (I'm out of words these days, but really, you are special and you were deeply missed.)

I'm sorry about your sister, dearest. So sorry. I wish you and yours all that you need as you each work through what is asked of you.

And, life? That thing? Treacherous. Fucking treacherous.

Take care. Take good care.
I'm new, so you are new to me, but I'm sure glad I saw your post. Welcome back, stay a while, hear?
I remember you! Now you've inspired me, I am going to have to go out on my pale lemon drop colored bike, not forgetting to wear my pink helmet with the stars all over it, very Jetsons. If you can wade through all of that, the least I can do is ride my bike in solidarity and spirit with such a sweetheart as you have always proven yourself to be.
I remember you and I missed you. I even let out a little gasp when you popped up on my feed. Glad you're back, even if it's just to watch the rest of us.
Welcome back, P13; you have been missed. I look forward to your writing and hearing more about the adventures you and Sarah have.
I have MISSED you and have thought about you often since you "disappeared." YOU are a survivor, in the truest sense of the word but you are also entitled to retreat and rebuild, do what you must do, and with no explanations necessary or expected. There are cracks but not fractures. There lacks frivolity but no shortage of true love.

Remember about that day on the hike with David, I think you were on the West Coast if memory serves and had reached a magnificent vista overlooking the Pacific. You had an epiphany: YOU WON.

You are a winner. You have won.

I have been longing for a bicycle lately. I will try to find one somehow.
You are a writer, and a good one. This was great and I know I didn't know you, so Welcome!
Seeing you here reminds me of the days when this site didn't F'_ing S_.
I just knew when you came back you'd do it with a totally stylish, kickass bang. And, I feared, with heartrending news. I am SO freaking glad to see you. And so sorry the world is pounding you and yours. We're here, we'll always be here. Owl is right, take time. And give yourself a break. You are so worth it.
Squeee! You're back!
~fatRocco and feralRusty
We don't call it a breakdown among my friends....

We call it "an attack of life."

Welcome back, my friend.
Seeing your name in the feed made this visit completely worth it. It sounds like there are some rainbows in your future.

My daughter is a fat girl who rides a bike and loves it. Be careful out there.
Hi. I concentrate on things Outside Myself, too.

Now you know you're not alone. :-)

Welcome home.
Sniff sniff......blubber.


Why...why Thank you.

OK..lots of people to respond to, and I am gonna miss someone and then I suck!

JulieJulie...hi love.

D were always very supportive of my little strange creations.

Spudly..I intend to use Sarah a lot. And to have an ass upon which one can crack walnuts.

Mamorre how KIND!

Padraig! Hi love. and I fecking LOVE my new word. Blatteroon!

Viking: I saw a letter from you in Salon in response to one of mine..and it seemed to late to respond. Hallo sexy.

Fingerlakes...Hello Neighbor. Gonna be in Ithaca for my b-day, actually..just wanted to get away but no more than an hour and a few's drive. Will be at Maxie's and then moseying back with a stop for a Ride With Sarah ..and breakfast, and buying flowers for the garden and then I am promised a massage. Rockin. You are TERRIBLY sweet and i thank you for the sentiment.

Waking up....hello my love. My tenderhearted friend. I hope you are well..

Buffy! Hi hi hi hi hi!

Rat! Thank you! hello. I'm weird.

Dr. Suzanne! Yellow and pink are some of my favorite colors together. You shall be so pretty. Ride!


Smithery...a favorite. Hi sweets. usual, you are extremely generous with me.

Thank you Scanner! The Dude Abides!

Hatchetface! Are you saying the site fucking sucks now? FUCKING SUCKS? hee. Swearing is good. Open Salon always sucks. Cept where it really really doesn't.

Seer: Are you saying David has been through hell? Ha. hm..kinda. I tend to spare those close to me my "Stuff"...I have a terrible fear of "inconveniencing" people. My whole family is this way...When my grandmother died recently her life was so in order we said that "all she had left to do was pull the dirt up over herself..".....egads. English people. Thank you for being your generous self.


I guess you did remember me!
Welcome back Persephone! I'm so glad to see you back....
Hello again Lovely....Good to see you back and hope all is well.
Great piece BTW...
I remember and am very glad you are back ;0)
Ok, I just got rid of a GD knockoff brand shopping spam post (FOURTH ONE!), but I must include this quote:

"Quality is our Dignity; Service is our Lift."

What the fucking fuck does that mean?

And why do I like it so much?
I would also like to say that last night I had a dream that I was dating Al Gore, and that Dream Gore had a HUGE penis.

I mean..huge.

Mixed bag, that.
You came back the same day I came back! Sorry you're dealing with all this stuff. Sorry about your sister. I think a bike is a good antidote. Fresh air is good.
Playing nice and real. xox
"Hey!!!!!!!!" said I. There you were at the top of the home page feed. I'm happy that you're doing better and very happy that you came back.
I'm fairly new here, so I didn't know you were gone. The comments are so wonderful, you are well loved here.
I think chocolate and mint bikes and cat eye sunglasses are quite a lovely thing.
Looking forward to reading you.
Seer: I understand the "patience of" part..I'm familiar with the phrase...I just couldn't understand it applied to his being patient with me...

I'm going to chalk it up to my lack of full disclosure regarding anyone else's behavior besides my own giving you a perception that might be less than accurate.

Hm! Interesting.
Seer...sorry if it seems like I am picking on you. NOT my intention.

There is a lot of undisclosed backstory here, and full context just isn't there...don't mean to sound defensive. It's just...the patience A hot button when it comes to this relationship. Only one of us has been required to have it in spades over the last 8 years ...........and it wasn't him.

Forgive me my pointedness.
Welcome back transcendent one. You were gone but not forgotten. Looking forward to your posts and the amazing artwork, yours and others, that you blend in with your writing.
Hi, Persephone. I do remember you. I'm so sorry for all your troubles. I hope that things get better...
So good to see you back. Anyone who thinks that life as a human being isn't fraught with sorrow isn't really living. (How's that for a bunch of double-negatives?) I'm so glad for your mother and David and the bike and the books and the early spring to help you get by. Keep writing, friend.
Seer, you are sweet. I totally understand your assumption...especially given the context given, which wasn't much!
mmmm...cookies and tea...yum.

by the number of comments, you must know that you have been missed. To me you always have been one of the most charming, disarming, challenging, entertaining voices on OS.

I can't speak for others, but yeah, I'm without a paddle. not sure how well I'm faking it. Your company should help.
Brian, I smother you with kisses.
Nice to read you again. There's a place on the porch and lemonade in the fridge.
Yeah, I remember commenting on one of your Big Salon comments. I was surprised to see you, since you'd been gone for frigging ever.
Very Very Very glad you're back :)
Hi there Persephone. Yes, I remember you, and wondered where you went. Welcome back. We all have those times, and it sounds like you did what you needed to do--disconnect for a while. I will smile as I think of you on your mint green and chocolate bike (my favorite ice cream is mint chip), with your cat-eye glasses and your wicker basket.

Get a cool stylin' helmet, OK?

Welcome back.
Welcome back pretty P. Glad to see you here.
Really enjoyed your post, very well written. Will be looking forward to more of them.
We will drink wine soon... I swear to fucking GOD we will... I gotta get a driver's license first.... but soon.
THank you all for your incredibly kind and warm comments. REally.
I'm not usually here anymore, but Julie said you were so I had to come for a peek. It's so great to hear what you've been up to though a lot of it is sad and also made me wish that wow I wish I'd had a mom whose guestroom I would have wanted to retreat to when things went south.

Happy Birthday. May this year be one memorable for GOOD and WONDERFUL and FUN reasons!
Happy Birthday p13... You've been in my thoughts every now and again. So good to see you back from the dark side, for a minute at least.
I just popped over to wish you happy birthday and I read the post and then I read the comments and I discovered that you still have it in you to bring out the best in us - big, cuddly birthday hugs, dear Persephone!

Happy belated birthday.

You may or may not be aware that in the middle of your absence, OS editors chose your heartwrenching March 5 post for the cover for the "best of 2009" edition of OS on the occasion of this New Year 2010.

I was among the many, many people who discovered your writing for the first time that day, and therefore I suspect you have several more new OS friends (like me) who read and commented on that piece between late December and early January. There is quite the survivor support network here.

You might take a look at the comments there that you missed.

Anyway I am very glad that you are back, and I look forward to getting to know you more.
So nice to see you again, my dearest Mlle Persy. My heart breaks re the news of your sister and her troubles, to say nothing of the impact on you and your family. Life is so very delicate and precious, and its delicacy so heartbreaking that we must hold it very, very gently lest it break. I send a special blessing via butterfly to you and your sister - for light and love and healing and peace and beauty and joy. Look for it!
The image of you riding your bike makes me smile...might even make me get out my bike.
No one should ever apologize for taking time out of life to watch Mad Men and Dexter.
Hi ...

I'm sorry for all you've been going through...and I hope that you're finding joy and strength now in many places...

Fortuitous timing, I just came back after a hiatus bees let me know you were around.


Hey you! Welcome back. Feel free to unburden yourself on us.
Nice to have you back, Persephone. =o) far as I'm concerned, you are, and always have been cute :)

I missed my Ms. P. I've gone too. Not for sorrow's sake, but for living. In my living I have thought many times of you. I came lurking today, at the ass crack of dawn, to see this! The first present of the day. Such a sweet gift. Such a sweet girl.

I hate hearing about your lose either of my sisters would be profound. I wish I could send velvet, and satin, clear emeralds, and chocolate, and red wines, and days of endless blue skies to my friend, P13. For now, I send my love.