My Dad died yesterday.
He died across the country in Los Angeles, and it happened so much faster than we thought, and my sister (You know. The sister with the brain tumor..fucking awesome) must be psychic now... because in spite of the fact that my dad and his wife have been saying that Jesus is going to take him this month or that month for the last year...This time, it felt like it was real, and she came. And saw him die. And his wife made them bring the body home from the hospital, and now there is a body in the house. Dad left. Body here.
I get on a plane tomorrow and see an open casket and then the body will be buried in a spot in Ventura where the body won't have a view of the ocean, but the ocean will be there. For the people who aren't dead. Somehow this is good for him.
Dad's dead. And I still can't believe it. Can't stop crying, but have no idea why.
Dad was good to us financially, and loved us, but was self absorbed and often emotionally unavailable. He screwed over his first two children when he left his "first real love"...for my mom. In spite of going on to create my little sister and I, and practically ignoring Mark and Audrey, we four are close. We are all close and Dad took the credit. Dad who headed up the designs on the L1011 commercial aircraft and Stealth Bomber and a lot of other stuff, scary and non, didn't really know how to be close to people, other than to repeat himself telling stories of meeting this president or that one.
Life of adventure had he.
In the end, he saved lost dogs and became tenderhearted and found jesus and became, instead of softer and closer...MORE self absorbed and remote and kind but distant and focused on his little obsessions. He knows almost nothing about my life, other than knowing I am "A little creative, can sing...has a nice boyfriend"... When I asked for help with needed oral surgery...I was told that he couldn't. But he gave 50K to his church a month later. His right, his money....but...gee dad...
I'm such a jerk.
And he's dead.
And I just can't fucking believe it. Writing this here is an attempt to make it real.
I feel sick.
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King Kaufman
Caitlin Kelly
fingerlakeswanderer
Kat Hudson
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Don Rich
Salon.com
Comments
You're not a jerk. You're human and the reason you feel sick is that you obviously loved him, despite his faults.
(I often want to shoot my father because he sings/hums/doddle-doos his way around my parents house like a large lost bumblebee)
Take care.
may you find peace with this.
I too have parent baggage, so I know how tough it must be.
And I never know the right thing to say.
Then he is dead and that possibility has vanished.
My brother and I both had a lot of anger and in between tears is rushed out. It was such an odd and conflicting mix of emotions, but it was understandable.
You have nothing to feel bad about, you are not a jerk for feeling what you feel. He wasn't a great Dad and now he's gone. That hurts and it makes you angry. I know.
I think that it was easier to make peace with it after he was gone. He was a Good Man but a Lousy Father, and once there was no longer any possibility of changing those facts, I was able to accept them.
Grieve, be angry, be conflicted, laugh a little. Then take a deep breath and understand that you are in no way at fault and that it was just an unfortunate bit of life that was handed to you and make your peace with it.
I send you a hug and my genuine sympathy.
He was my rock for a long time. My safe place. He stopped being that years ago when he Found Jesus with His Wife.
Now Mom is my rock, but life feels so tenuous.
Fetlock....bucket lids? For fucks sake. What is the matter with these people? Thank you for your kindness.
All of you.
I guess it won't feel real till I see the body. How awful that is.
I don't know why but "finding religion" seems to make so many people cruel and indifferent to their families. Only the church is important. Makes no sense to me.
These bodies don't last.
They wear out too soon.
Each day is one mini life.
None come backs to tell.
Maybe we become babe.
Life's so brief. Take care.
I'll wish you solace. sighs.
Lezlie
He loved you, in his way. No matter how much they let us down, hurt us, even damage us, we all seek our daddy's approval and love. You are crying for the daddy who might have been, could have been, should have been... now a promise forever unfulfilled. Which, if you think about it, was much more his loss than yours.
Acknowledge the anger at his inability to see and appreciate you, but please don't embrace it. You are too good to become embittered. You've already known great trauma and great love, you know you have the strength to handle this too.
I wish you strength and eventual peace and ask you to remember this: People, living or dead, have only as much power over us as we let them.
xoxo
Embrace shock, truly. It will be your best friend for the next few weeks.
I will send you a PM, but as someone who experienced a similar loss in December, I know that there is a huge amount of grief to get through, plus myriad details and lots of communication...
I am so sorry for your loss. You sound like you understand some of it. Please count on me to always read...peace and love to you.
We cannot control what others say or do, only what WE say and do. So, don't feel angry about how he wasn't, because there was not a thing that you could have done to change him.
Instead, continue to be a person YOU can be proud of. That's all any of us can hope to achieve.
Platitudes.
Good you got it out.
The papers and the casual acquaintances
never say : "well, he wasn't the greatest dad
but he had his good points."
Sanctification somehow comes with shucking off your body,
and it's certainly hypocritical but understandable.
Noone knew him like you did.
Just because he is dead doesn't make him anything special
unless...you piece together the lapses of pure love he had for you
in his life, and really feel them.
And carry them
and put them in the Revised Book of his life...
because though i am no expert,
contextualization is paramount:
he was taught his weaknesses,
but his heart was his own.
and people have no manners.
So sorry, hon. I'm not much for platitudes in times like this, but I do want you to know that you're in my thoughts.
I am so very sorry.
My fiance lost his father (pretty straightforward, mostly positive relationship) a couple of weeks ago, and his brother (very complicated, confusing relationship) last year. I have been witnessing many different shades of grieving I haven't experienced, as my parents and siblings are all still with us.
We lost our old and lovely cat last summer, and I was struck by the simplicity of grieving for an animal - when there's only love and nothing else, grief is, it seems to me, easier. With people, especially family, especially difficult family, there's so much more to go through.
My thoughts are with you.