just phyllis

just phyllis
Small Town, Indiana, USA
November 13
Blogging with PTSD --------------- "Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." - Leo Buscaglia _____________________________________ All works ┬ęPhyllis45, the author of this blog. _____________________________________ Also posting at Our Salon http://oursalon.ning.com/ http://oursalon.ning.com/profile/Phyllis


NOVEMBER 18, 2011 8:15PM

Ditches and Divin'- OS Weekend Fiction

Rate: 12 Flag




I feel a story comin' on. Gather up and come in close. Is ev'ryone here? Good.

A long time ago in a place not too far away I woke up in a ditch one evenin' with no idea how I'd got there. Darn pretty sunset, but bloody effing cold, too. No coat, no shoes. At least I had my pants. The last time I was in that ditch I woke up naked.

What? Oh, you want to know about the last time? Naw, this story is about a certain day in the life. We can tell naked stories another day. Yeah, I like naked stories, too, but we have t'think of the kids, ya know. Hey, you wanted to bring 'em. I said adults only at this party but you had to have yer own way.

So I woke up in a ditch with my pants on. I figured I was ahead of the game. Crawled out, shook myself off and started down the road to town. My shirt was a mess but my hair covered most'v the damage. Damn fool had thrown me into a muddy ditch. At least the mud held my hair in place.

This all started with a bet. Yep, a stupid bet at that. We'd been "divin'" on my birthday. You really gotta try that sometime.  And at the third or fourth dive there was a man. Yeah, yeah, there had been fellas at the other bars, but this was a M-A-N. All the right parts in all the right places. Yum. We bet each other on who could land him. Loser had to streak main street. I won. Oh buddy, did I win.

Turns out my friend has all kinds of bad luck. Yep, she got caught streakin'. The cops weren't too friendly about it, neither. Kept her naked in the jail all night. You really don't wanna piss that girl off. Mean'r'n a snake with it's prick bent backwards.

Welp, she got even with the cops. Funnier'n shit, what she did. Turns out one of the cops was havin' a bachelor party and she knew the entertainment. They got them boys to shuck down as part of the show. Yep, they fell for it! Durn fools. Thought they was untouchable. Well, Elliot Ness they ain't, that's fer sure. They got to do the walk of shame that night. You heard about it? Wasn't that the funniest thing you ever heared? Oh, you seen it. That's right, you live above the hardware store. Pictures? Heh heh, good for you.

She somehow twisted around that it was my fault, too. Said I cheated on the bet. Tain't my fault I got a rep, ya know. How'd he find out? Oh, I might have let it slip, maybe thrown in a small demo. Yeah, well, ya know what they say about that Carnegie Hall- practice, practice, practice... Hee, hee, hee.

I'll tell ya, that girl can really keep a secret when she sets her mind. I had no ideer I was a target and I can usually read her like a dime novel. This time it was National Enchilada Day and we was doin' shooters. Damn witch slipped me a mickey. Yep! Right in front of my eyes! Well, actu'lly, she said birthday boy was in the bar and I fell for it. Yeah, I have a weakness. M-m-m. Next thing I know, I'm naked in a ditch at the edge of town. And not the edge I live on. That was quite the trick gettin' home, let me tell ya.

This last time was the 10th time she's dumped me in a ditch.  First time with m'clothes on. Why? Probably gettin' tired of buyin' new boots. Oh, every time she dumps me naked I dump her boots by the mayor's bed. She had a thing with him once, and his wife hunts her down whenever she finds her boots.

Author tags:

weekend fiction

Your tags:


Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:


Type your comment below:
I hope you enjoy it. All comments welcome!
Oh I enjoyed it. Grim, colorful, hilarious and tragic all at the same time. And more powerful because of what you leave out. You sure do know how to tell a story.

"You really don't wanna piss that girl off. Mean'r'n a snake with it's prick bent backwards." With friends like her...
Thanks, Margaret. I am enjoying this weekend fiction. Glad you liked it.
Enjoyable revenge story. I like how she arranged to have the cops get busted too. Nice use of the voice.
Sorry for commenting so late, but I'm in CET zone.
Out on a limb, you're always welcome to stop by no matter the time. I liked the cop angle, too.
Terrific piece. No, you don't want to piss girls off too much, no matter the situation.
Biggest ha I have had in quite awhile.
The Fair Sex's scheming steaming underbelly!
I just might make a visit to this town, a very brief one,
then skee-daddle the hell outta there fastern' a snake on wheels!
Mary, yes, you must watch out for the girls.

James, if you go, be sure to hit the bar on the south side of town. Drive a dooly right into the side of it before you skedaddle.
nothing like a muddy ditch! strange boots in the Mayor's bed will always start a ruckus. ;)
Blinddream, funny how that works out, isn't it.
You have a way with voices. Very amusing stuff!
Thanks, catnmus. I liked that twist at the end. This is a fun girl to write for.
like to see all that on film -you the female tarrintino!
Snowden, I have the hair for the job, that's for sure. And I'd like to meet birthday boy. I could do it!
Colorful and dark at the same time. Would love to know more about this character. Well done.
Very funny! Totally unexpected. Great characters. Next time you're in the ditch, say hi!
onislandtime- you may be hearing more. They are clamoring to tell more.

Ash- will do that. The ditch is being kinda fun.
I've always wanted to wake up naked in a ditch. The closest I've come was waking up in a home and having no idea where I was, and I didn't know the guy that was in the kitchen making coffee. It was the martini's fault. I swear. Great story!
Haha, great story, phyllis. I think I know this woman, too. And her friend.