just phyllis

just phyllis
Small Town, Indiana, USA
November 13
Blogging with PTSD --------------- "Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." - Leo Buscaglia _____________________________________ All works ┬ęPhyllis45, the author of this blog. _____________________________________ Also posting at Our Salon http://oursalon.ning.com/ http://oursalon.ning.com/profile/Phyllis


FEBRUARY 26, 2012 11:55AM

Still No Sex, But Things Are Looking Up- GNS

Rate: 18 Flag

When you see an avatar named Have It All My Ass, well, I don't know about you, but I have to click and read. She seems to be a nice person who has a few things figured out and has a plan for enjoying life. I don't know if she would agree, but that's what I picked up from reading a few posts. I found her in the comments on Ann Nichols post About My Kid. I find that to be a good way to find new people to read. It's good to branch out and follow tendrils.

So I wrote a post about my job and location history, and I must say, your responses made me think. You read it and saw a hard, painful life. And it was. I busted my butt to figure out how to succeed in that world because that was the world I lived in. That was my normal. It didn't register that other people didn't play by those rules because those were the rules I had to play by. But, I was able to write about it here because I am moving beyond it. I am seeing it as what was, not what is.

Which brings me back to Have It All My Ass. She just turned 45. A milestone birthday for her. I am realizing that while society has what they consider milestone birthdays, we each have our own moment that defines us. Pretty cool. So she made a list and blogged it. A good list. A pretty thorough list, too.

I am going to be 50 this year. Ach, I am actually going to publish that. But, it's just a number. Sliding back into not stressing about a number. Breathing deeply. Relaxing my face. Have you ever tried that? Go ahead, try it now. I'll wait. Feels good, doesn't it.

Ten years ago I turned 40. Yes, I am still capable of simple math. 


 Refreshing to know. I was so excited. I had moved "back home" and had plans to create a family. I intended to date, pick a partner and build a life. Yeah, didn't quite work out. Instead, I went into a major funk, had a serious melt down, and went into counseling. And stayed stuck at the point of wanting a partner and family. I kept judging my success/ failure by my list of friends and family that I had acquired in the ensuing years, and the amount of money in the bank. My blinders were firmly affixed and I was using criteria that I had inherited from my dysfunctional life to determine my worth. A system that has never/ will never work for me.

So as I was reading Have It All My Ass's blog on turning 45 (I just love that name), I turned to comparing today to ten years ago. I was so excited to be 40! A turning point. A milestone. Also, use it or lose it in the family business. Kind of old to be shooting out kids, but still do-able. I wallowed in the failure. Shameful.


 Today, I see that my last ten years have not been wasted. I learned a LOT and grew a lot. I am alive and vital. I have my health. I have an outgoing personality. I have a 17 year old cat that is keeping me from traveling. I could take her along, but she doesn't go outside so putting her on a leash and taking a walk isn't really an option. But I see her as keeping me from striking out too fast and without the proper attitude, not an impediment but more as a discipline. I am going to spend the next 10 years living for me, too, only this time I'm going to do it with full knowledge that that is indeed what I am doing.

Good News Sunday!



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Great post! So glad I found you! :)
Ah, those milestones. I just rounded 60 and have kind of spun out on the curve. But the in between was a surprisingly good decade - so here's wishing you happy fifties (no, not the 1950s, they were NOT happy despite what some people will tell you.)

So sorry you did not reach your goal at 40.
Midwest Muse, I'm glad I found you, too!

LuminousMuse, but I had the wrong goal for me. I had some growin' up to do, which is why fate sent me back to the beginning. Open mind, open heart.

Welcome the Muses!
"Have It All My Ass" is an excellent screen name. The emoticons you use here are awesome. Math schmath. Sex schmex. Good news SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY; BE THERE BE THERE BE THERE!

(i'm trying out my monster-truck-show voice)
You're getting the idea!
The only life plans I have been able to accomplish and succeed at were professional. Of course, had I known that I was not going to be wife and mother material, I would have traveled more and partied more instead of waiting for it to happen. I would have been less patient, less forgiving, and less understanding, because it changed nothing. I wasted the first 35 years of my life thinking those were things I had a fair amount of control over without any understanding of how to make them happen (in a reasonable fashion, of course, as I don't believe choosing single motherhood with a stranger is a good choice). But I did know how to succeed at school and work. Fortunately, I have another 50 or so years to go, with a whole open road before me. You can find a cat sitter if you need.
putting OS in the title and sex is the bomb!
Janie, fingers crossed but don't hold your breath, although you might look good in blue...

Nana, I give up on Cupcake. Good monster truck voice.

tr ig, I am full of ideas.
OB, same here. I blew some pretty good chances to live a more wild life thinking wifedom and motherhood required it. Well, I say Phthttt for both of us. And I could find a cat sitter, true enough. When the time is right.

Rita, sex seriously sells on OS, true dat! That's why I put it in the title...
I insist that you call me cupcake.
Happy Birthday! And you're right, it's just a number. When I turned 48 I had what I called a Pre 50th bash. People came out to celebrate and with them came the whole assortment of gag gifts that go along with being 50. I had a pre 50th because I said I didn't know if I'd feel like partying at 50. Well it turned out I did! It is afterall, just a number. I hope this is your year!
Thanks, Cup Cake!

Brianna Popsickle, it feels like my year. Two parties, huh. Smart woman.
Will you be changing your name to Phyliss50?
Wild and crazy, I never expected to live to see my 30th birthday... it came and went.
I had my midlife crisis at 40, spent a year on the road and then worked in China.
At 45 I concluded that I was definitely looking at the down slope and I was working with limited time.
50 came and went, then 60 came with a present:a grandson named Copernicus Greyson Wolfe named after a Polish astronomer, and old white dude and a Holocaust survivor.
Hope I live long enough to see him grow up.

Larry, no, although a name change may be in order.

jmac, that's a cool present. A heck a moniker for the little guy to live up to, though. Hope there's a nickname in there.
I'd lose the cat and hit the road.
Jeff, she'll be gone soon enough. Creaky little monster. I'm thinking about OB's suggestion for a cat sitter. Dad's retired with free time...
Awesome! And 50 appears to be a fine decade to be entering. I have arrived just a bit ahead of you, and so far so good! whew. I think it will be a decade of liberation, throw off your clothes and run about nekkid.
Asia, you read my mind. I like clothes about as much as I like shoes. I need a privacy fence...

Glad 50 is working out for you.
Hooray!!! Sounds like you've reached the age of emancipation and I'm so happy for you. I loved this piece because I've been there and done all of that.
The thing is Phyllis it's a big mistake to measure your life against anyone else's. Of course you know that but sometimes it's worth hearing again. (Spoken from the perspective of someone who once "had it all" in the stereotypical superficial sense of the word.) No pearls of wisdom here but it sounds to me like you have an enviable life, and don't discount what tomorrow may bring because no one ever knows.
I'm glad you are consciously turning the focus to yourself. Good for you. I wager you will end up having a greater impact on others while you do just that.
Happy pre-50th!
Desnee, yes, emancipation! It does feel good. It's that recognition of freedom that's the key.

Margaret, I don't know about enviable but I am going to have my best life. Isn't that all we can do? I find your life kind of enviable. You found love, you have pretty good kids- from what you say here. And I really am looking forward to the day I can trip to your town and meet you.
OIT, thanks! I want to know that I've made an impact for good. But mostly, I want to enjoy myself while I'm doing it. Woohoo!
I think we all could benefit from Con Chapman's philosophy course today.
Matt, I read it, but all I got out of it was a real appreciation for talking in circles. Oh, and Occam's Razor.
Whoo hoo! This sounds like a great plan for your next decade!
Ah! To be 50 again. . .
ccdarling, I think we all deserve some fun for the next 10 years.

John, isn't it funny how we see these birthdays as milestones then look back and think, gosh, look how young I was.
ah ha, all the gals revealing their ages.
my mom would be amazed. "a woman never tells her age!"
i am gonna be 45 this year too, but the thing is,
i spent about 20 years "sleeping" in a depressive fog,
fucking up my life every few years,
when i had some energy.
then sinking back

so , my math says subtract those 20 yrs and i will be a 25 yr old
(even THAT is a rather exaggerated surmise
re. my maturity)
with all the wisdom of a 45 yr old and lots of nice hair still,
thank God ..

years of suffering or being stuck can suddenly,
at any damn time, be
erased, and life can
be vividly lived,
all those "wasted" years are revealed to have been..
a sort of cocoon...for the butterfly now on the loose.
Yeah, James, the body has one age, the spirit another. My spirit feels young and buoyant, too.

I love your imagery with the cocoon and butterfly. At least, for today and hopefully quite a few tomorrows, I can quit mourning for what I didn't get and enjoy what is available in my path to the future.
Society really can do a number on anyone's happiness. It sounds like you have a lot figured out, and a nice old cat that gives you joy.
Interesting and enjoyable post.
fernsy, thanks. I am looking forward to the day that I get the answers on why life has to be hard. Puff says Hi!
Awesome post . . . thank you!!
Awesome post . . . thank you!!
Paula, thanks for coming by. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
So happy you have appeared to have found some peace and happiness.
Mary, thank you. I fully expect to back slide but at least I've found the trail to follow.
Love it! Sounds like you are enjoying your life as you should. And btw, I turned 50 in September. Ain't so bad.
yeah ok, I think this is the new normal and shall be for years to come for more and more people. Bec we are at a transition phase so close to the line that divides and we can see both sides sometimes we are confused about the situation and worry. But there really is nothing to worry, we come alone, leave alone and inbetween have sex and a few babies to preserve lifecycle. But you and I I guess we have arrived, at a time and period in history when it is no longer necessary for every woman to bear children, so yes, we can reprogram ourselves and rescript and simply live - not really for ourselves or for anyone , but just for the sake of life, throbbing, pulsating life until it ebbs out, we live bec that is the normal thing to do. I just wish people in my country had that perspective and stopped persecuting me. And since my family is dwindling through death and not marrying, I wish I personally had some one to love me, not have sex just to include me in holiday plans and litle stuff like that :) But if thats not there, that's fine too. Good post, rated.
Just re-read because I am feeling alone today. David Lee Roth's "I Ain't Got Nobody" is running through my head.