just phyllis

just phyllis
Small Town, Indiana, USA
November 13
Blogging with PTSD --------------- "Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." - Leo Buscaglia _____________________________________ All works ©Phyllis45, the author of this blog. _____________________________________ Also posting at Our Salon http://oursalon.ning.com/ http://oursalon.ning.com/profile/Phyllis


MARCH 25, 2012 1:05AM

Hiding in Plain Sight

Rate: 11 Flag


tulip tree


I am supposed to be asleep right now but instead, I am wide awake. I have a full day planned for tomorrow with building a potato patch and mowing the grass for the first time this year. I plan to use the grass clippings in the potato patch to make the dirt more fluffy. It makes for bigger potatoes. And I will be planting onions in it, too, as I just can't grow big onions. Also, onions keep pests away from underground foods. There's a book, Carrots Love Tomatoes: Secrets of Companion Planting for Successful Gardening by Louise Riotte, that has a lot of cool secrets about what to plant together. I borrowed it from the library once.

This past week was so weird after the joy of the previous week and maybe putting it here can make sense of it. I hid from people this week. I heard people coming and I went the other way. I vacated rooms when I heard footsteps approaching. I hid behind my computer screen when people entered my workspace, or behind the pile of paper boxes in front of my copier. I purposely avoided looking at people I knew at lunch time so I wouldn't have to say hi.I didn't tell the contractor any funny stories in the morning as I usually do.

At the same time, I enjoyed talking to the people I really like.  A professor who grew up in England who speaks to me as if I am seething with intelligence. A grad student who started working in the department as an undergrad. Smart as a whip and one of the nicest, funniest people I know. Another grad student who keeps initiating conversations he doesn't really intend to start. The guys that do maintenance on the building. So I wasn't wasn't totally asocial as much as not wanting to be frivolous in my encounters.

A couple of nights this week I came home from work and went straight to bed, I was that tired. Last night we had a small thunderstorm, hail included, that didn't keep me awake at all. It was fun to watch, for a change. I keep reminding myself that Sunny was the one attacking the storms and scaring the crap out of me; it's not the storms that caused the fear. It's working. She was scared as a puppy by a hailstorm and being the fearless Sheltie that she was, totally atypical for the breed, she decided that all thunderstorms must die. The o'clock didn't factor into her plans at all, thus the 2:00 a.m. scaring the crap out of me whenever it rained. After 13 years it became ingrained for me to dread storms.




I think my job is sucking the life out of me. It is so freakin' boring. And I don't have enough to do. So I am going to polish up my resume and start looking for a new one. It will be difficult since I don't want to give up my classes. But something has to change. I don't get tasks that challenge my brain, I get tasks that challenge my ability to sleep-work. It seems to be an acknowledged fact that I am smart as a whip but no one wants to bother me by giving me something to do!

So I hid out. I came home and stayed inside. I even forgot to water the veggies I planted last week. At least my lemon tree is still inside. It would have dried up and died if I had put it outside. It grew from a seed in 2001 and has never bloomed but I like it. It has wicked thorns.

But I can't figure out why I hid. I didn't want anyone to ask me how I was. I wasn't willing to tell the truth or to lie.  It may just be time again to make that "choice" I make every few months. I have to actively choose to do my job well. To give it the attention it needs to keep the details moving along. There are a lot of details, just none of them interesting.

I'm still not that tired but I need to try to sleep. It's almost 1:00 am and I've got some heavy work to do later on. I did manage to get some of the indoor work done today. I even made a pair of shorts, finally, that I've been intending to make for a while. I have a favorite pair that I bought about  17 years ago. Obviously not going to find them again, right? So I made a pattern from them and now am able to make as many as I want. They're comfy for working in the yard.

So, choose my job, again, and make myself go outside after work and do something. I have the veggie garden to plant and I have my bike tuned up for the new year. I did choose to get outside my vacation week, so I can choose this, too. It just isn't fun when you don't have windows.





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Beautiful post, Phyllis -- I'm ?"rooting"? for you!

Phyllis, you're amazing. I love that middle picture.
You have hit a 'serious patch.'
I like it. It suits you.
Got to love thorns, keep people from bothering ya!! RATED!
We all have good ideas and thoughts along side the blooms of spring time. thanks for sharing and more.
Well, I've been there. Sounds like a good idea to send out those resumes. And sometimes I feel like that, like avoiding most people...
So it seems OS is the town that never sleeps...

Podunkmarte, thanks. I love your avatar, BTW. So springy.

Margaret, I don't usually feel amazing. Trapped, but not amazing. And don't you just love those pre-storm colors? So vivid. I wonder what I look like in that light. Maybe I'd get a photo of myself that I'd like.

Kim, I don't like serious. I want life to flow, for me to do what needs done in a way that is smooth and joyous so that I can fit in some fun stuff. So that is how I am going to approach today on less than 4 hours of sleep.

Tink, that's exactly right. This tree collects spiders, though. They love it. And it had a baby preying mantis once. They're cute.

Algis, perhaps it is spring cleaning. I've been at this place 5 years and there's just nothing else to go for.

Janie, I'm going to push myself out of hiding. How's your flower patch?
Patrick, it's nice to have company. People trying to hide should hang together.
The redbud tree with the ominous storm cloud behind it captures the volatile ambivalence of spring. Get out in your garden before it rains!
Deadly, I think storm clouds bring out great colors. All of the glare is gone. Today, no rain and 73. Perfect day to be out. Still only the mid-50s right now, though. Perfect for a bowl of oatmeal...
Phyllis I do the exact same thing I think it is that sometimes I get overloaded on the world outside my door; and I just want to make sense of what is going on, or there is too much going on and I just want to focus on a couple of things. I used to love company, the more the better, now I like to pick my spots for interaction.
Desnee, choosing spots for interaction is it, exactly. I just had such a good time on vacation and going back to work, to a non-stimulating job that I am glad to have because I do need a job and I do like the people, was a let down.
Work and jobs are tough choices, but you never know what's going to tickle your fancy until you try it on for size. People are much the same as work... "like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get."
Bleue, you're welcome. I hope something here was helpful.

jmac, but with chocolates, even if the filling is mint, you can lick the outer chocolate coating off.