I just had a flipping breakthrough while I was editing what I had written. How wonderful.

I firmly believe that control is an illusion. Life is made up of random chance. If things go as planned it's just because no one and nothing came along to screw them up. And I have no control over people. I cannot force anyone to do anything that they don't want to do yet I have used force on my pets as it was used on me. (Sad, but true. I have been working on that for a while.)

Yet I let myself be controlled. I let people make me do things that I don't want to do and I believe that I have no recourse but to do what they want me to do. So, if I believe that I can't make people do what I want them to do, then how can anyone make me do anything that I don't want to do?

This is what I wrote that led me to it...

This week has sucked. Today at my counseling session I may have hit on why.

It's the exercise. I have been to the gym exactly once since I signed up on May 14. I went two weeks ago, had a good run, came home with every intention of going again, and haven't gone. I don't even come up with good excuses. I know they're bullshit, but I don't go. I know I said I was going to concentrate on my foot but my lizard brain had other ideas. Damn lizard brain.

This week I dreamt about the ex-boyfriend who was the first person to get me into a gym so that I could be perfect enough for him. Yes, I went along with it but that's another blog on being controlled.

 I've read some essays and several comments on being abused. I have thought about my own rape, as I always do. I could feel myself contracting, pulling in, and shutting people out. Feeling a strong need to be ready to protect myself. Centering myself as I walk.

We talked about all of that today at my session, which began with one of the residents in the Veteran's Home asking me for a date. No, that wasn't a good thing. He totally creeped me out and wouldn't take no for an answer. Turns out he's a real problem with this issue. So as the counselor and I were talking, and we covered a lot of stuff, it hit me that is was working out that made me do all of that this week. Working out and getting into shape. Going to the gym. I actually felt my eyes get moist when I told her that. Nothing dispassionate there. 

So what to do. I have to lose weight if I want to be healthy. Questions to answer:

1. Do I want to be healthy? Well, I do know that I don't want to be unhealthy but that's not the same thing.

2. How do I handle the well meaning people in my life telling me how good I look after I lose weight? I've thought about getting a t-shirt that says, "I'm not attractive, I'm healthy" in 5-6 different colors so I can wear one every day. I have issues. I want to be liked for my mind.

3. What's the point in being healthy and extending my lifespan? Besides the fact that I don't want to die.  And I don't want to die with all of this angst in my head. I want to die happy. Hell, I want to live happy, too. Just not by myself. But maybe that's what I'm supposed to be learning- how to be happy by myself. But I don't think so.

4. What can I do to get in shape that is fun? Keep in mind where I live and my lack of funds. There are classes at the gym that I meant to go to. I can try to get to them. Assuming they don't start while I'm in class. I've misplaced the card I got from the gym with the dates and times.

And then we have the illusion of control but that's going to have to be another post. I have to drive 2.5 hours one way to get to a wedding tomorow. That starts at 4pm. I didn't pay attention before I accepted. I'll be getting home around midnight which means a weekend shot as far as any projects around the house. But my car is clean, so that's something.

So, now that I've had one major and several minor revelations I am off to bed. I think I am closing comments on this, too, because I don't really want to discuss any of it right now. Still pulling in and contracting.