So, another learning experience has presented itself to me. How to deal with it. Obviously I need a new way to do it because I just had a flashback to something I didn't know I remembered. That was very unpleasant, BTW. Sneak attack, as it were.
As was the event recently that started all of this. I won't go into details because I don't want anything to spill into this blog. A girl's gotta have a safe place, right? And yeah, consider this fair notice that I will delete any comments here that I find unsafe.
I decided to start researching this phenomenon. Turns out it does have a name- Social Pain. I've only read one paper so far, have two more printed out, and will be emailing someone that researches it for more suggestions, but it is something I want to learn about and to blog about. It was brought home to me yet again that there is a real gap in understanding emotional pain. I live it and I don't understand it. I want it to be gone. I want to be "normal." I hope that this research will bring me closer. Or at least give me perspective to handle being blind sided now and then by strangers who think they know what's best for me.
Here's hoping it works. I woke up at 1:30 a.m. after a weird dream that had me enraged. I was living with someone who gave my sofa away and replaced it with a beaten up brown leather sectional that had two pieces the size of love seats and a middle section that was, literally, a large ashtray. Very '70s and very ugly. I went off. My lovely sofa, rolled arms, longer than I am so I can stretch out for naps, very comfy, just gone. Irrational anger.
The flashback had me in the room where the rape happened. I was drunk passed out, so it is possible that events registered that I don't recall. This event I could have lived without remembering.
So no more sleep. It is now 3:15 a.m. My alarm is going off soon as I am taking Dad for an endoscopy today. Falling asleep again now would make waking up very tricky.
I am so tired. I am tired physically and emotionally. I have been avoiding Open Salon except for comments because of an irrational fear of being attacked. I have been more quiet at work because withdrawing is my defense mechanism. I didn't enjoy Dad's birthday lunch because shutting down is how I cope. And insomnia is a frequent visitor to my bedroom, anyway.
So yeah, I agree that there is a degree of irrationality in my responses to life. I guess the good news would be that I recognize it. The bad news, though, is that it is an integral part of me now and learning a new way to be takes time.
And for anyone that's interested; if you know someone who has been through an emotional event that caused them pain, pushing the buttons and pulling the triggers is not the proper way to help them cope. They have to find it from inside themselves and while it may seem to you that they should "be over it," it's not your call to make.