So, another learning experience has presented itself to me. How to deal with it. Obviously I need a new way to do it because I just had a flashback to something I didn't know I remembered. That was very unpleasant, BTW. Sneak attack, as it were.
As was the event recently that started all of this. I won't go into details because I don't want anything to spill into this blog. A girl's gotta have a safe place, right? And yeah, consider this fair notice that I will delete any comments here that I find unsafe.
I decided to start researching this phenomenon. Turns out it does have a name- Social Pain. I've only read one paper so far, have two more printed out, and will be emailing someone that researches it for more suggestions, but it is something I want to learn about and to blog about. It was brought home to me yet again that there is a real gap in understanding emotional pain. I live it and I don't understand it. I want it to be gone. I want to be "normal." I hope that this research will bring me closer. Or at least give me perspective to handle being blind sided now and then by strangers who think they know what's best for me.
Here's hoping it works. I woke up at 1:30 a.m. after a weird dream that had me enraged. I was living with someone who gave my sofa away and replaced it with a beaten up brown leather sectional that had two pieces the size of love seats and a middle section that was, literally, a large ashtray. Very '70s and very ugly. I went off. My lovely sofa, rolled arms, longer than I am so I can stretch out for naps, very comfy, just gone. Irrational anger.
The flashback had me in the room where the rape happened. I was drunk passed out, so it is possible that events registered that I don't recall. This event I could have lived without remembering.
So no more sleep. It is now 3:15 a.m. My alarm is going off soon as I am taking Dad for an endoscopy today. Falling asleep again now would make waking up very tricky.
I am so tired. I am tired physically and emotionally. I have been avoiding Open Salon except for comments because of an irrational fear of being attacked. I have been more quiet at work because withdrawing is my defense mechanism. I didn't enjoy Dad's birthday lunch because shutting down is how I cope. And insomnia is a frequent visitor to my bedroom, anyway.
So yeah, I agree that there is a degree of irrationality in my responses to life. I guess the good news would be that I recognize it. The bad news, though, is that it is an integral part of me now and learning a new way to be takes time.
And for anyone that's interested; if you know someone who has been through an emotional event that caused them pain, pushing the buttons and pulling the triggers is not the proper way to help them cope. They have to find it from inside themselves and while it may seem to you that they should "be over it," it's not your call to make.
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My grandma used to say, "Consider the source." You don't really care what people who do not even know you think. Why should you? The Internet is full of angry, crazy people. Just avoid the angry, and be selective with the crazy, and take a deep, deep breath.
Look into meditating. If you have insomnia and are up too early (as was the case here) if sleep is not an option, just meditate. It is still rest for the mind, even if it is not sleep. It also sets you up to start your day from a calmer place than your dreams sometimes leave you.
And I usually do lay there and breathe, meditate, I guess, but today I got the flashback for my efforts and I really needed to get this out. I have to quit avoiding.
Thanks for the reminder from Grandma, too. I miss mine.
Rated!!!
All the best,
: D
I, this morning, had the most baffling experience with insomnia I've ever had. I couldn't understand why I couldn't even "get sleepy"; much less sleep. Just got offline from "Just Answer" to find someone who could tell me one thing &/or another. Now I can't help wondering whether "I" (or ?"my rhyzome level:?!) was simply using all waking energies available to me to try to send you "support vibes"!
Brave and honest post; admire your guts and have immense faith in your "self-curative" journey. I hope (on a somewhat more ?banal? level perhaps? -- well, no, that's not right either but I hope you know what I'm trying to say) your day with your Dad goes o.k. and that the endoscopy gives helpful results.
R++++
As someone formally-trained in logic/symbolic logic, it's difficult to understand irrationality. Or acceptance in oneself for it.
I applaud you for self-recognition and good luck overcoming irrationality. Without reason/rational-thoughts, it's difficult or impossible to exist/thrive in society.
Best wishes.
Once you've had traumas the brain literally creates new pathways. When there's a trigger the brain will return to traumatic events and replay them (sometimes endlessly) in an effort to find the escape route as it thinks every similar event will cause you an injury. It's the same physical response as the person who was in a car accident and constantly "hits the brakes" on the passenger side. These are normal responses to abnormal events.
Trying to stop the flashbacks and recurring memories created anxiety for me as the brains priority is to protect you. Consciously repeating that magic phrase slowed it down and I could calmly be aware.
The first thought of someone who wants to do what's best for you is to find out what YOU need, not to do whatever they want to get you to act the way they want. If someone is doing that and you tell them to stop because it causes you pain then they're just cruel. It's just a different version of being raped or abused when you tell someone to stop hurting you and they won't. You boundaries and feelings are meaningless to the other. You are powerless once again.
My heart goes out to you, I've been in similar situations and I am shaking just typing this. To get shot back into the past and be trapped with the brain replaying things you never wanted to think of again is a nightmare. I second what you said about someone further pushing and pulling on you to help you. It's like parents who beat a child black and blue to keep them from running into the street and then saying "I'm beating you for your own good."
You are normal Phyllis. Your life and the events in it have not been what most people commonly experience. Some simply don't have the intellectual capacity to understand that. I have done so much reading and research my head could explode. Everything I've read about the responses you and I have to traumas verifies it. These are "normal responses to abnormal situations." We all respond in different ways depending on what coping skills we learned as children and the support and types of people we have around us now. I wish you peace, healing and joy.
I don't know if there is another tactic for you. There is no way to undo what has happened, only a way for you to learn to live with it and get out of the fear response. People prone to anxiety and depression are more likely to get PTSD. You want to believe that this will never happen to you again, and do what you can to protect yourself. Maybe this will, maybe this won't, maybe something horrible happens anyhow and you missed the parts of your life that got stolen by fear. You have to forgive yourself for living through it, and learn how to measure your life by other means. When it becomes one of the sole points of reference, all life circles around it and gives it too much value. I will not even remotely suggest that this happens in a snap, or that it is easy, only that it is possible. That will be easier to do when you start living the life you want to live, rather than not living it because something bad happened.
Kate, I think that book has been recommended before. I need to look it up.
Jonathan, thanks.
Mark, will do. Much appreciated.
Gerald, I'm trying. Recognise then conquer. My Dad says he's giving suggestions. You might try that with your kids. We don't buy it but it might work for you.
fricassee, insomnia seems to have been the rule today. Sunspots, maybe? Dad is being scoped as I type. Expecting no problems. Rhyzomes. And thanks for the good thoughts.
Rob, good luck with your stuff. I'm pulling for you.
Joisey, thanks. When I watched Star Trek, Spock was always my hero and I hate irrational behavior. But I have irrational reactions. It takes me a while to recognise them then I can apply logic and get most of it to subside. I think it's like treating an addiction- first it has to be recognized then it can be controlled.
Sheila, I've been diagnosed hypoglycemic and my annual Bloodwork came back normal for glucose, so no diabetes, but I'll ask if the wonkiness of insulin spikes could do it. Having a reason that can be manipulated would be nice.
Bleue, that is some great information. I will try to remember a phrase for myself for the next time. I guess I just get tired of having to deal with all of this. Most days it's just background noise, which is a good place for it to be. I hope you're okay now.
Margaret, Social Pain is emotional pain and according to the paper I read it has the same neural pathways as physical pain. It's interesting stuff. And I do have PTSD and am going to counseling. I'm better but still have a ways to go. I feel irrational, is the problem. I want to educate myself more and see if logic can pull me out.
Oryoki, I want to believe that it won't happen again but nothing has proven to me that it can't happen again, and there lies the fear. People can be evil. We see it every day and there's no way to know who they are. I know that's irrational. But... So I think if I can get educated on the topic that I can explain all of it in a way I can rationalize. I will look up the documentary. Thanks for suggesting it.
have given me new hope for humanity.
I lost it this morning, as i subjected myself
somewhat masochistically to the details of the terrible massacre
in colorado. There is no end to our depravity. We seem to be
pushing the limits of it, lately...
and as you say, os is our "safe place", but goodness,
it is more than that. These fine folk who respond to your
pain are real people, who go out in the world
with their wit and wisdom and make it better.
There is no limit to human empathy & solicitude,
I have found, in my own personal travails.
Shutting down is my preferred method of ''dealing'', too.
I figure: for 20 or 25 years or maybe more, of my 45 years,
i have been in shutdown. Safety first and foremost.
I have somehow learned how to go out and about,
in a limited way, and make the beginnings of a life,
with the fallback of frequent brief shutdowns,
which i see as conservation of energy.
All life is : action, and repose (rest).
A fine way to dispel pain is to reveal it, dig into it for a bit,
knowing that there are people who understand,
not your own personal experience,
but the awful ,
universal,
experience of pain.
Pain is a cleansing fire.
It can be.
I hope..
I wish I could find the explanation as I know I'm botching it but I suspect from what you've written about neural pathways it makes sense to you. Those pathways are part of our vital functions, if we had to consciouly think every time we had to put our foot on the brakes in the car we'd only be able to do one thing at a time. In danger situations we automatically run through all of them quickly. These are rational brain functions but many people have not been physically attacked so they don't have the same pathways.
Changing those pathways takes time but the CBT helped a lot. One of the simple excercises that helped me was right before bed I would review my day for 10 minutes, then I'd write down 3 things that surprised me and 3 things that made me feel good. Sometimes it was something on the news, or something that happened to me, or even a comment or post I read. It didn't change how I felt going to sleep but somehow I woke up less afraid. I'm sure your therapist is giving you things to do that are helping.
I understand, I hate the helpless feeling that this stuff is in my brain and I just want to get it out. I wish there was a surgery to remove it. I want to hide but I'm still here. You're still here so that means we're doing it, we are changing, setbacks or not. I like what Oryoki said, it's re-writing your story and you're already the hero because you're overcoming your past.
Stim, the MD does know- I get all medical care and counseling from the VA. Those guys share everything.
Oryoki, if you met me, you wouldn't guess I had these issues. I am friendly, outspoken, generous, I walk with my head up and my shoulders back. I can talk to anybody. I don't go out much, but when I do I have a fun time. I am getting a bit less with the going out but I do get tired of going alone. I try to do the things that I am afraid of. My long time question for myself is, "How would I feel if I didn't do it?" It's pretty effective at getting me out the door. It's when I stop to think that I get tripped up. And when I have people attack me. And, unfortunately, when I am surprised with a last minute invite to go out. I want to go but my initial reaction is to start thinking about what I need to do to get there instead of the enthusiastic yes that is expected. A bit off-putting. Emails are better.
Bleue, I have done CBT. One person I saw for a year started it, and my current counselor is continuing it somewhat. The first girl was instrumental in hushing up the voices. Very helpful, that. I like the list of 3s that you do, too. I can put a notebook on my pillow so I can do that.
Believe me when I say that I have made great progress. A few years ago, heck, a year ago when I started blogging here, I couldn't have written what I wrote today. I have made great progress in finding myself again. And steps are being made towards being the social animal that I used to be. It's just learning how to navigate the pitfalls with what I know now. I'm getting there. And thanks to everyone who commented today. OSers are still the best.
Now, go see Ronnie Milsap and eat a couple of bagels, but drink a lot of water and have your car checked out before you go. My friend went to Wilco the other night and got a bit of heat exhaustion because she wasn't hydrated. I hope the endoscopy went well (or smooth, or whatever is the best word for this type of thing.) :)
So much wisdom already here.
So many here have written about moments in their lives ... that have hurt ... that have crushed ... that have made us question ... everything... that have made us write ... to learn ... ourselves.
When that has been in the past ... only those here then ... who read ... who understood ... may now ... know ...
Not sure if it will help you to think of this ... but as I read your words ... I ... think of it ...
Reading words here and thinking of something that once, came to me. It was in one of those dreams ... so many times ... so many versions of the same ... that night ... part of me lifted ... and something inside me spoke the words ... "I don't need this ... anymore ..."
I dream of screams ... that have no noise ... but ...
on this night ... something lifted ... something changed ...
those dreams ... husband dreams ... my husband's voice within those dreams ... telling me all the ways that I was wrong ... that I should still ... come home ...
I don't know whether I was able, at last, to let them go ... or push them away ... but ... and please don't let one return tonight ...
for now ... they've not returned ...
as though I found a voice with which ... to finally speak ...
for myself ...
Not sure if this will make much sense or offer any help ... but as I read ... it is what comes ... and I offer it ... as one who knows ...
Not everyone here ... is aware ... of what others have shared here ... in the past. Maybe it is always important ... to remember gentle ...
anna1liese, "I don't need this ... anymore ..." Yes, those are the words I need to say. I said it after my nightmare about my mother. I can say it about this mess, too. And, saying it often enough, it will happen. I am very sorry to hear that you know what this is all about. You are so gentle and loving here. I picture you as ethereal. It makes me sad that you had to endure bad stuff. Like a trapped fairy. Maybe that's how I see all of us; now learning to flit about again.
When I get attacked I go to the sources page, look at their bio, read a couple of their posts, then, and this is always telling, look at their comments on the left and follow them. Usually you are in a long line of victims that particular day.
And there are readers who are very young, in the marines and do not have the life skills to be polite.
Dianne
How dare ANYONE say thaty to someone who is feeling pain!
I also commented on the other post.
Perhaps they have been denied themselves ... the freedom that you seek ... and so the words that rise for them ... may be the words too often hurled at them ... an additional pain that they have tried to bury in order not to ... feel it full ... again ...
I understand the withdrawing ... and the shutting down ... they are mine as well ...
Underneath it all, I think there are far more of us here who fully understand and have been there ... than not ...
Sometimes ... perhaps in the past, people have written and shared pain here. Sometimes the pieces lie dormant here because not many ever ... look back ...
Sometimes because they were so pain filled, they have long since been taken down ... and one, reading, writing now, may simply never know ...
It doesn’t excuse the words ... but sometimes words are threads of their own ... subconscious threads ... threads we now use as our own defense ... to not revisit ... pain ...
I am thinking of several threads as I share these words. I am thinking of what became my husband’s favourite, final taunt, a taunt he knew destroyed me ... a taunt that became ... I’m not sure ... almost a mantra ... for him ... You wouldn’t be a good mother ... it was my weakest, most vulnerable place ... he wouldn’t let it go ... and yet ... when I could ... I wondered about its source ... and I believe ... it was pain of his own ... whatever the actual source ... he didn’t feel he was a good father ... he ... doesn’t matter here ... except that ... I think ... his words to me ... came from his own place of pain ... a pain he wouldn’t ... couldn’t let me reach ... or recognise ... himself ...
Terribly complicated ... all of this ... I know ... and yet ... life ... its pain ... are ... terribly complicated ... for all of us ...
Sometimes I think ... that underneath even what appears to be such difficult crusts ... lie ... terribly gentle ... souls ...
Not always ... but sometimes ... even here ... where sometimes ... someone’s being sorry ... is hard to say ... and hard ... to hear ...
Threads ... so many threads ... sometimes ...
I don’t know, Phyllis, if this will speak to you at all, but they are thoughts that rise for me and so ... I offer them ...
I wanted to let MM know- no Ronnie Milsap today. The website is very scanty on details, as in none, for last minute ticket purchases. So, drumroll, I am going to the beach in Michigan City tomorrow with a friend and, gasp, four, teenagers. Br-r-r. But it will be fun. Sand and surf. Woo-hoo!