Here is how it works. Go into your garage, and look for the items on my list. Total up your points.

The only rule? NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

1. Toilet(s). 50 points per toilet

2. Potty chair.  75 points

2a. Is there a drop of blood on it? 100 points

2b. Is that blood from your child? 150 points  (I SAID NO QUESTIONS!!!!!!!)

3. Gallons upon gallons of paint and primer. 3 points per gallon

3a. Are any of them the following colors: American Cheese, Grandma’s Sweater, or Kitten Whiskers? Add 50 points

4. Road Atlas from the 1990s. 100 points

4a. Plan to keep it for another few years, just in case the zombie apocalypse comes and all the computers are wiped out and you need a general road guide to pick up Danny Trejo for your cross country rampage? Add 5000 points

5. Trophies:

5a. From sporting events? 25 points each

5b. From murders? 50 points each

6. Rock climbing shoes, but no one has rock climbed in at least 10 years. 50 points

6a. Dusty treadmill? 100 points

6b. Thigh Master? 500 points

7. Empty box of waffles. 25 points

7a. Chicken and waffles? Add 25 points

7b. Chicken and Pound Cake? Add 100 points

8. Scary, large spider. 5 points

8a. That spider’s name is Pete. 5000 points

8b. Pete is lactose-intolerant. 500,000 points

9. Box of CDs you are too ashamed to keep in the house? 5 points

9a. Is one of them Slayer? Add 10 points

9b.  Is one of them Bon Jovi, “Slippery When Wet?” A fist bump and 500 points

9c. Tupac? 550 points

9d. Tupac…….on TAPE? 10,000 points

10. Furniture you have been trying to get rid of. 100 points per piece of crap

10a. It’s been on Craigslist at least 3 times. No luck. 150 points each

10b. It has sold on Craigslist 3 times, but keeps breaking through windows and lumbering across town to return to the sanctuary that is your garage.  350 points each

11. Dead dog in home-made coffin. 1,000,000,000 points

SPOILER ALERT: I WILL ALWAYS WIN THIS GAME.