There was a story on the news about a 5-year-old who called 911 when his Dad collapsed, and ended up saving his life. At first I thought, “Shit. My kids don’t know how to use a phone. They don’t know what 9-1-1 is.” And then I thought it through a little. I thought about teaching my children — MY children — how to use a phone and dial 911. Here, with 100% certainty, is what would happen.
Dispatcher: 911 what is your emergency?
Dispatcher: Hello? What is your emergency?
Caller: PENIS! (hangs up)
Now repeat that about 500 times.
I think I am going to go ahead and take my chances. I’ve had a good life.
Besides, who knows who 911 sends to your house in the event of a penis emergency. All the EMTs are doing Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide who gets the call…….or they send “the new guy” who is all nervous and overzealous about rescuing the penis…….or — worst case scenario — the call comes in and there is that one dude who is like, “There’s a penis in trouble?! Don’t worry guys — I GOT THIS.”
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