The world Pokey oyster.

(Later Pokey think of better banner title.)
Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 9, 2010 12:15PM

Pokey awake now.

Rate: 50 Flag

Hello? Pokey awake now. Pokey wide awake and not want be in crib anymore. Pokey done with napping now. Hello?

Hello? Will Pokey have to yell loudly? Pokey ready to yell loudly if yelling loudly what required for Mommy or Daddy come in, get Pokey, lift Pokey out of crib, remove Pokey from swaddling, hug Pokey, bring Pokey to living room where action is, so do Pokey need yell loudly?

Hello? Pokey giving Mommy and Daddy one more chance. Pokey think this only fair, since Pokey only nap for half hour, not usual hour. Since Pokey wake up early from nap, Pokey do right thing and give Mommy and Daddy benefit of doubt. Not so much Daddy, but Mommy.

Okay, now, Pokey almost out of benefit of doubt to give Mommy and lesser extent Daddy. Pokey try be reasonable but Mommy and Daddy not seem be hearing gurgles and woos and ahs and sound Pokey make that sound halfway between pain and pleasure. Since Mommy and Daddy not hearing, Pokey left little choice but howl like Pokey never howl before.

Pokey mean, what Mommy and Daddy waiting for? Pokey fall back asleep? Pokey nap more? Pokey hate break it to Mommy and Daddy but Pokey nap more the last thing going to happen. Pokey do math. Pokey figure out time lost sleeping. Does Mommy and Daddy realize that if Pokey sleep half the day, by time Pokey two year old, Pokey will have slept a year? Pokey realize and mind of Pokey blown by concept of year asleep. A year! Pokey only three month old! That mean four of Pokey three month lifetimes spent asleep! Sound Mommy and Daddy would hear if Mommy and Daddy in room now would be sound of mind of Pokey getting seriously blown. Sound just like when crowd watch firework.

No, Pokey done with sleep. That for damn sure. Pokey going to only bare minimum sleep from this point on. Pokey vow not waste life sleeping. Life too precious. Pokey spend time with Orange Stupid Bug Face and new friend, Sgt. Fuck-A-Duck. Sgt. Fuck-A-Duck hysterical. Sgt. Fuck-A-Duck worth price of admission alone. Pokey much rather listen to latest Sgt. Fuck-A-Duck bon mot than sleep and give Daddy time gather his wits. Much more interesting to while some time away with Sgt. Fuck-A-Duck bon mots. As saying goes, ‘Daddy no like, Daddy go find another family.’

Pokey now dead serious about not wanting be in crib anymore. Hello? Hello? Hello?? HELLO??? (Pokey think it not meant be this difficult, get removed from swaddling and crib.) HELLO???!!!??? (Pokey think Pokey might need call family meeting to air grievance, clear up any misunderstand --)

Hang on. Wait. Stop. Pokey turn head other way, now glimpse something tall and ugly in doorway. It Daddy? Brief process of elimination tell Pokey that if something tall and ugly, that something can only be Daddy. Daddy think something tall and ugly as Daddy go undetected by Pokey? Daddy have another thing coming, if that case.

Yes. Pokey think tall ugly thing in doorway Daddy, all right. Pokey glimpse brown plaid flannel robe and now Pokey smell brown plaid flannel robe. Smell like mixture of butter, foot and how bathroom smell.

This mean Daddy one to come get Pokey from nap? Pokey be honest here, Pokey much rather Mommy one come get Pokey. Mommy sweet, tender, agreeable. Daddy much less so. Daddy just yank Pokey from crib with no sense of occasion.

But look at Daddy now. Half in doorway, half in hallway, half nose, half mouth, one eye and one eyebrow visible. Why stop in doorway to look at Pokey? Why Daddy not just come in room? What Daddy waiting for, invitation in mail? Pokey not go all the way post office just mail invitation so Daddy come in room that Daddy pay for in first place. That stupid.

Come get Pokey, Daddy. Do not tease Pokey now, Daddy. Pokey want out of crib cause Pokey not nap anymore cause Pokey think life too precious. Daddy have approximately one more second, then Pokey lose goddamn mind of Pokey. When that happen, Pokey wail.

Pokey wail far worse than Pokey howl. Pokey wail curdle blood. Pokey wail and not stop wailing til Pokey have Mommy boob in mouth, and then Daddy be sorry. Then Daddy hear it from Mommy cause maybe it not yet time for Pokey have boob in mouth, maybe not time for another exciting episode of ‘Booby for Baby,’ so Mommy shoot Daddy look of reproach, and Daddy be meat in guilt sandwich. Pokey one slice of guilt bread, Mommy other slice of guilt bread. Daddy in middle, which not good place to be.

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"meat in guilt sandwich" hehehe
Pokey, give your Daddy his pen back.
Pokey lose goddamn mind of Pokey, Verbal lose goddamn control of Verbal laughter.
Laughing so hard tears... Pokey get Pulitzer.
Love it! Tell Pokey to howl away. Maybe someday Pokey be in school choir and sing better than Daddy.

Mr. Tadpole say "rock on Pokey." Mr. Tadpole say that he STILL doesn't want to go to bed EVER and he's 12. Bed sucks. Nothing happens there. Bed is BORING. Just wait 'til Pokey find video games.
poor pokey.

mommydaddy are tired and need break. pokey should come to grandmama, the nice smelling place (ignore the bengay) where pokey gets picked up the minute pokey opens his beady little eyes. then grammama slobber kisses everywhere, wipe nasty little fart butt and shove bottle in little mouth. grandmas know what little pookiepokies need.
It's always good to be the lettuce in the guilt sandwich. There's a good chance you'll be pulled out of it at the very beginning.

And now that I've harmed that metaphorical expression, yell Pokey yell!!! Tell them how you feel. :)
Pokey, will you come live in my pocket? There is a squirrel there too.
Pokey right to not sleep. Pokey need many, many hours of being awake. Cause sooner than Mommy and Daddy want, Pokey be a teenager. Pokey the teenager think that sleeping until 3:00 P.M. is the normal way of life.
Pokey made me spray dog with coffee :) Pokey funny!
When Pokey teenager, Pokey read this and wonder what Pokey was thinking, not sleeping for full hour.

Pokey being teenager yeeears away though, so Pokey enjoy small Pokey-self.

Biological imperative say Mummy and Daddy will be fairly cool about Pokey screaming at 2am, so I say Pokey go for it, just once, see how Pokey like.
have no words...laughing too hard...nice to hear from you Pokey!
Pokey, dude, you be funny!
Excellent Pokey, dash all hopes that there's more nap time to come. Very funny, as ever.
Well-put Pokey - I'm sure your daddy did something, somewhere to deserve you. ;)
Loved this! Love thinking of the world from Pokey's point of view. Wonderful writing, imagination and wit.
why do daddies have such crap timing? i dunno. but they do. at least they wear guilt well, as in unconsciously.

great post, pokey.
Pokey's baby will grow porky.
Pokes baby will poke one tooth,
then two, and four, and five, then,
Pokey's toddler will beg for meat,
Pokey will watch babe gnaw bone.

I hope your child will not roam in association
with misery, dolts, and 21st century cretins.
Fun read. You will not be a decrepit porker.
Ya will not feed at the national citizen trough.
Squirrel? I don't want to cast aspersions on the paternity of the little lad, here, but I think you should check this out:
PokeySchlamokey, my friend, you best be getting some more sleep than a half hour.

It's an hour to an hour+ @ 10:00 a.m.,
and hour to an hour + @ 2:00 p.m.

Then you can get up @ both 9 p.m. and 1 a.m. and howl.

Pokey not want sleep for first ten years; Pokey not want to get up for next ten years. Mommy and Daddy best get used to wanting something different than Pokey for long, long time. That why God make tequila.
Of COURSE I'll rate it, of COURSE, I'll read it!

Call me, I'll come get you...
Pokey, you are one smart cookie! Take after mommie, for sure!
Pokey made me a favorite, and I have no idea why. (Pokey may suspect that I have lucious tits---and am nice and soft and sweet---but while I remain unclear how Pokey knows this to be true, I revel in Pokey's great instincts.)

If only Pokey could ensure that daddy got more rest.......
Pokey must learn not to waste cute points. Cute points is what keeps daddy from trading you for a puppy. Cute points is precious too....
You keep 'em in line Pokey!
Dang! Why in the world do I find myself caught up in the blog of a Daddy tinkler? I oughta be on Daddy's side.
"with no sense of occasion" - ROFL -

Pokey, I love it when you throw in the extra credit phrases. If you used them all the time they wouldn't be funny, but to spice up your regular voice...perfect.

I worry about what you will think when you "re-read" these blog entries some day in the future. *tries to imagine what you and Daddy will talk about on that day* (And then I hear my own Dad's voice: "Hell, we could all be dead by then!") *thinks your Daddy sounds like he can be trusted to deal with it*
Pokey smart baby. Weez loves Pokey, even loves tall ugly doorway guy.