Hello? Pokey awake now. Pokey wide awake and not want be in crib anymore. Pokey done with napping now. Hello?
Hello? Will Pokey have to yell loudly? Pokey ready to yell loudly if yelling loudly what required for Mommy or Daddy come in, get Pokey, lift Pokey out of crib, remove Pokey from swaddling, hug Pokey, bring Pokey to living room where action is, so do Pokey need yell loudly?
Hello? Pokey giving Mommy and Daddy one more chance. Pokey think this only fair, since Pokey only nap for half hour, not usual hour. Since Pokey wake up early from nap, Pokey do right thing and give Mommy and Daddy benefit of doubt. Not so much Daddy, but Mommy.
Okay, now, Pokey almost out of benefit of doubt to give Mommy and lesser extent Daddy. Pokey try be reasonable but Mommy and Daddy not seem be hearing gurgles and woos and ahs and sound Pokey make that sound halfway between pain and pleasure. Since Mommy and Daddy not hearing, Pokey left little choice but howl like Pokey never howl before.
Pokey mean, what Mommy and Daddy waiting for? Pokey fall back asleep? Pokey nap more? Pokey hate break it to Mommy and Daddy but Pokey nap more the last thing going to happen. Pokey do math. Pokey figure out time lost sleeping. Does Mommy and Daddy realize that if Pokey sleep half the day, by time Pokey two year old, Pokey will have slept a year? Pokey realize and mind of Pokey blown by concept of year asleep. A year! Pokey only three month old! That mean four of Pokey three month lifetimes spent asleep! Sound Mommy and Daddy would hear if Mommy and Daddy in room now would be sound of mind of Pokey getting seriously blown. Sound just like when crowd watch firework.
No, Pokey done with sleep. That for damn sure. Pokey going to only bare minimum sleep from this point on. Pokey vow not waste life sleeping. Life too precious. Pokey spend time with Orange Stupid Bug Face and new friend, Sgt. Fuck-A-Duck. Sgt. Fuck-A-Duck hysterical. Sgt. Fuck-A-Duck worth price of admission alone. Pokey much rather listen to latest Sgt. Fuck-A-Duck bon mot than sleep and give Daddy time gather his wits. Much more interesting to while some time away with Sgt. Fuck-A-Duck bon mots. As saying goes, ‘Daddy no like, Daddy go find another family.’
Pokey now dead serious about not wanting be in crib anymore. Hello? Hello? Hello?? HELLO??? (Pokey think it not meant be this difficult, get removed from swaddling and crib.) HELLO???!!!??? (Pokey think Pokey might need call family meeting to air grievance, clear up any misunderstand --)
Hang on. Wait. Stop. Pokey turn head other way, now glimpse something tall and ugly in doorway. It Daddy? Brief process of elimination tell Pokey that if something tall and ugly, that something can only be Daddy. Daddy think something tall and ugly as Daddy go undetected by Pokey? Daddy have another thing coming, if that case.
Yes. Pokey think tall ugly thing in doorway Daddy, all right. Pokey glimpse brown plaid flannel robe and now Pokey smell brown plaid flannel robe. Smell like mixture of butter, foot and how bathroom smell.
This mean Daddy one to come get Pokey from nap? Pokey be honest here, Pokey much rather Mommy one come get Pokey. Mommy sweet, tender, agreeable. Daddy much less so. Daddy just yank Pokey from crib with no sense of occasion.
But look at Daddy now. Half in doorway, half in hallway, half nose, half mouth, one eye and one eyebrow visible. Why stop in doorway to look at Pokey? Why Daddy not just come in room? What Daddy waiting for, invitation in mail? Pokey not go all the way post office just mail invitation so Daddy come in room that Daddy pay for in first place. That stupid.
Come get Pokey, Daddy. Do not tease Pokey now, Daddy. Pokey want out of crib cause Pokey not nap anymore cause Pokey think life too precious. Daddy have approximately one more second, then Pokey lose goddamn mind of Pokey. When that happen, Pokey wail.
Pokey wail far worse than Pokey howl. Pokey wail curdle blood. Pokey wail and not stop wailing til Pokey have Mommy boob in mouth, and then Daddy be sorry. Then Daddy hear it from Mommy cause maybe it not yet time for Pokey have boob in mouth, maybe not time for another exciting episode of ‘Booby for Baby,’ so Mommy shoot Daddy look of reproach, and Daddy be meat in guilt sandwich. Pokey one slice of guilt bread, Mommy other slice of guilt bread. Daddy in middle, which not good place to be.