We are such fascinating creatures, beings of light with vast darknesses within our souls. God snipped the umbilical chord, and we've been searching for that eternal heart beat ever since. 

I feel it, I hear it, I smell it, that rich iron fecund smell of spring whilst roaming the dog… Read full post »

I love to cry at Christmastime and I do each year when Mr. Gower slaps George’s sore ear and Mr. Scrooge awakens to love. I sob, I lick my tears and rejoice in my feeling heart.

I know that transformation, that sudden realization of all the people… Read full post »

           A dear friend of mine died recently.  She was approaching 82. She had cancer. I’d known Pat since I was 18. I’m now 54.

         In the beginning Pat was like a second mom to me. She taught me/… Read full post »

         I work at a radio syndication company where we produce public affairs programs. We receive many books from publicists for author interviews. Whether they are featured or passed over, we employees can take any books we like home. Six years ago I picked out a book/… Read full post »

I continue here with the story of  middle class America, where isolated mothers go crazy everyday. It's a scene that can change, but not unless we face the insanity first. And new moms shouldn't have to figure things out on their own in a vacuum. We need guidance and the wisdom… Read full post »

            I’m a hopeless disciplinarian.  I was walking my border collie around the neighborhood the other afternoon just as school buses were dropping off kids. Down the street come two boys maybe a couple of years apart. Two good Catholic boys. I coul/… Read full post »

We do it so well. Rape the heart. Our own, each other’s. ‘I’m not good enough.’ ‘She doesn’t like me.’ ‘He’s a better writer than I am.’ ‘Nobody comes to my blog.’ ‘I don’t get as many comments as she gets.’&nbs… Read full post »

A mother's mind is always racing. After five months I still wasn't sleeping well. I could fall asleep during the day just fine while Sean napped, but at night I lay in bed angry while my husband snored. Lizzie cat would follow me into the guest room… Read full post »

No woman should be left alone at home with a newborn for hours on end, day after day with no help. It is a recipe for disaster.

My neighbors recently had their first child. They did it the right way. The new mother's parents, both of them, arrived and stayed… Read full post »

Well, Howdy Doody!

What a great community this is here on OS. I've been here almost a month (my first blogging experience), and I've made quite a few blunders, for which I apologize. But I finally read Cartouche's past posts (sorry she's left us), and I believe I'm getting… Read full post »

At four weeks Sean was still sleeping only three hours at a stretch. I was dying for regular sleep. One night I’d gotten up to nurse him but he wouldn’t stop crying. After forty-five minutes I yelled at him to shut the fuck up. That’s when I went and got Bob… Read full post »

For the next several weeks that was my only focus. Sean slept, Sean ate, Sean pooped. I slept, I ate, I pooped ever so carefully. I was exhausted and could barely take a shower let alone wash a dish or do a load of laundry. Bob would come home and I’d… Read full post »

At least the part about not taking Sean home was true. A pediatric specialist came to see us in my hospital room that evening. He said Sean needed to be taken to Children’s Memorial in Chicago for observation. They’d take him by ambulance. He had a subarachnoid hemorrhage, meaning that bl… Read full post »

“You’re definitely in labor,” said Dr. Hansfield, “but you’re only about one centimeter dilated. You’ve got a long way to go. Go home. Get some rest while you can.”

 The disappointment was hard. I’d wanted to be at least three centimeters dilated./… Read full post »

This time it took. Only when morning sickness, or twenty-four hour sickness kicked in, I wasn’t sure it was worth it. I hated standing in the dining room gripping the back of the chair waiting for waves of nausea to subside before walking down to the train to commute to work.… Read full post »

Not being one to use the pill, I had always welcomed that first pink tinge on the toilet paper with a surge of relief for so many years that trying to become pregnant felt like irresponsible giddiness. When I was finally ready, or so I thought, to become a mother my… Read full post »

Does calling attention to mother rage accomplish anything? My 81 year old mother recently slapped my 55 year old sister in public. Belted her across the face. Threw my sister back to childhood. But my mother, when reminded of how she whaled on my daughter with a rolled up magazine… Read full post »

More women than we can possibly know have felt mother rage at one time or another. Is it universal? Probably, but battering and screaming and serious name calling is not. But how many women go over the brink and actually say  something like "pick up this fucking mess," instead of "pick… Read full post »

What causes mother rage? Past abuse, I suppose. Sleep deprivation, certainly. Insecurity, abandonment. A niggling self-hatred.

It wasn't until several years after I left therapy that I found out what that one splinter embedded deep in my psyche was that had caused so much mother rage. I suspect, any… Read full post »

About fifteen years ago I was driving home alone on a cold wet afternoon much like the one today, when I heard a news report about a woman in custody for having murdered her child. I burst into tears, not because of the tragedy and it's horror, though surely it was… Read full post »

So where does one begin? How does one start when there is no light?

With fear, blessed fear. That one emotion I have run from and lived with all my life I can now embrace as the blessed emotion that it is, for without absolute terror I would never have… Read full post »