It’s getting close for me to leave on my class trip to Israel and I am hoping to see Robert Hannibal at least one time before I leave! I realize he has really changed my attitude about sex, about love, about men.
I try to explain to my younger sister how my viewpoint has changed, and I try to give her advice on her own struggles. Just like me, she doesn’t live a conventional Mormon life, but also like me, she believes the LDS Church is true. So we both struggle, just in different ways.
This is from the email I sent to my sister tonight (I removed the parts that are personal for her and only included the section that refers to Robert Hannibal, but of course, it’s a long section!):
with robert hannibal, i have realized something similar. i used to only be able to picture marriage if it was an open marriage, meaning i could date girls on the side and we could have orgies and threesomes. my relationship with “dan” in the philippines was only that, and i was willing to marry him if i had to because i'd be able to have a marriage in the only way i could possibly picture it. plus, i thought his kids were gorgeous and so smart and so adorable. but i could only picture a marriage with me having girls and orgies and threesomes.
but meeting robert hannibal has changed that. i feel so much more fulfilled when we are alone together. i love sex with him alone more than i like having another girl or other people alone. i realize that if i had a choice, i would choose to only have sex with robert hannibal for the rest of my life. i would give up women.
he makes me forget about everyone except for him. now i know this is possible and now i don't believe in an open marriage anymore. i don't even believe in swinging anymore, though i used to think it was essential for marriages, so that partners could have variety but not be “cheating." but now i truly believe monogamy is the most fulfilling marriage. because of robert hannibal. he is so amazing.
i've never had an orgasm with him, but i enjoy sex so much with him. if we were married to each other, there would be plenty of time for us to work on that together, but as it is, i really don't feel i need it. i just love being with him so much. this is such new thought for me. never would i have thought this before.
i really really love him so much. even if we don't go to all the swinging parties, which is what i originally wanted with him, i even more just want to be alone with him. i get jealous of other girls. that has never happened to me with a guy before! this is so strange for me to be in love with a man, really and truly!
but of course he's married with two kids and i want him to have a monogamous relationship with his wife - once i'm done.
i realize that when couples are into swinging and it makes them free, it might make them more free than a couple that is married and doesn't swing but it doesn't make them more free than a couple that is covenant in the temple - i realize that temple sealing and covenant between the couple make the crucial difference. with that covenant, the marriage is at a higher level. i realize that is what i want. if i can just find someone that i can love as much as i love robert hannibal.
so [sister], i am so old and it has taken me this long to come to the realization, and i'm not even ready to fully make the commitment yet to prepare to go to the temple because i still want to be with robert hannibal more and i still want to go to more swinging parties, and i still want to make more money having sex.
even though i know the swinging parties and the prostitution are not fulfilling, and that even sex with robert hannibal, as wonderful as it is, is not the ultimate fulfillment because it is not sealed in marriage and sealed in the temple, i want to do more of it just to really get it out of my system. i want a few more months.
so with you, make the goal of where you want to be. and try for it. i hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me to realize where you want to be.
I talk about LDS Temple Marriage because I really believe that will provide the most fulfilling marriage and the sex life I think will be even more spiritual and rewarding than what I currently have with Robert Hannibal.