I've been hearing a lot of disturbing news lately about Open Salon and the false and vicious critics attacking me there. Despite objections from White House staff and the parking lot valet, I thought it best I came here to see for myself just what is going on. I hope you folks are happy. It's not enough I have to clean up Washington but the whole damn internet too!
So get it through your head, folks, there's a new sheriff in town. And he ain't white!
A few ground rules first. First off, when your damn ass is on the line you can feel free to sit back and criticize while a bunch of lunatics throw tea cups and small children at you while making speeches. It's a madhouse out there (and an outhouse too!). So until you know what it smells like, how about a nice big cup of STFU!
Secondly, it's not your job to love me. It's my job to love me. And yes, the world needs more love! But why is it when I see Republican crowds they're all wearing suits and sunglasses but my crowds are all tie-died T-shirts on frizzy haired weirdos holding cats? It's going to take a LOT of love to get my ass reelected!
Take that shit on out of here!
And lastly, they call me MISTER PRESIDENT! I'm not taking any more shit off anyone's whiney ass. From now on heads will roll like cheap bowling balls when you get out of line. No more free rides for fat bankers, fat cats or fat rednecks! The Pope has his ring and I got my black ass. You can kiss both!
Today is the dawn of a new day! I'm tripling taxes on all corporations who sit on their assets without hiring. You don't need that money, then give it to me! I'll build roads and bridges and dams. Also, all war profiteers will be taxed one hundred percent on all profits. You should just be happy enough to serve your country! I'm also nationalizing the oil and insurance industries in the interests of the common good. Don't like it? Find another country! Because the shit stops now!
Barack Obama, President and B.A.D.A.S.S.
Rocking the new world!