President Barack Obama

President Barack Obama
Birthday
July 04
Bio
I was born a poor black child. Now, I'm a white man's worst nightmare. I eat Tea Partiers for breakfast, conservatives for lunch and have Republicans served on a platter. It's my world now and I'm here to fix it - and you!

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AUGUST 5, 2011 11:48PM

Barack Me Amadeus!

Rate: 13 Flag

I'm here at last! 

 I've been hearing a lot of disturbing news lately about Open Salon and the false and vicious critics attacking me there. Despite objections from White House staff and the parking lot valet, I thought it best I came here to see for myself just what is going on. I hope you folks are happy. It's not enough I have to clean up Washington but the whole damn internet too!

So get it through your head, folks, there's a new sheriff in town. And he ain't white!

Watch out! 

A few ground rules first. First off, when your damn ass is on the line you can feel free to sit back and criticize while a bunch of lunatics throw tea cups and small children at you while making speeches. It's a madhouse out there (and an outhouse too!). So until you know what it smells like, how about a nice big cup of STFU!

Secondly, it's not your job to love me. It's my job to love me. And yes, the world needs more love! But why is it when I see Republican crowds they're all wearing suits and sunglasses but my crowds are all tie-died T-shirts on frizzy haired weirdos holding cats? It's going to take a LOT of love to get my ass reelected!

Bullshit!
Take that shit on out of here!

And lastly, they call me MISTER PRESIDENT! I'm not taking any more shit off anyone's whiney ass. From now on heads will roll like cheap bowling balls when you get out of line. No more free rides for fat bankers, fat cats or fat rednecks! The Pope has his ring and I got my black ass. You can kiss both!

Today is the dawn of a new day! I'm tripling taxes on all corporations who sit on their assets without hiring. You don't need that money, then give it to me! I'll build roads and bridges and dams. Also, all war profiteers will be taxed one hundred percent on all profits. You should just be happy enough to serve your country! I'm also nationalizing the oil and insurance industries in the interests of the common good. Don't like it? Find another country! Because the shit stops now!

Sincerely,

Barack Obama, President and B.A.D.A.S.S.



Rocking the new world!

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Comments

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Got any spare change?
The Senate and House are the ones who shout STVU.
I was hoping that Michelle Obama sent you here Asap.
Sam Kass sure cooks great victuals. He stew goo-grub.

I bet You were tempted to slap Ohio's dark dirt-ball.
He makes me want to upchuck on K- Street spit shoes.
It cost $10.00 to get a shoe shine on the K- Street curb.
Honest. The Best shoe shines are gotten in front of the:

PotBelly Sandwich Shop. It's next to Starbucks. Ten bucks.
I love talking to DC's shoe shiners. They have wisdom too.

They are not followers of Karl Marx, Freud, or Harpo Marx.
Just becuse the White House cook - Sam Kass cook one duck?

That don't prove he's a former Chicago communist in white.
The Senate and House membership debate porn on campus.

Respectfully - I ask Michelle to grab ahold of your cute ear.
If She keeps doing that you get a flowered cauliflower ear.
I love duck soup without eyebrow hair and broccoli buds.
Good Luck in your future efforts to save the kindergarden.
My son says the farmers (he has cell #) can call to go stroll.
No smoke illegal cigars in the White House Garden. Yikes!

The smoke smells worst than a lame old goat who do Butts.
If You stay `round You can get a Pulitzer EP for Grouches.
If You misbehave? You no get Oscar Prize. You get canned.

Please. Never belittle Freud, litter garden patch, toss butts,
and yell at GOPS and DEM. Say dammit while puffing`Kool.
It's best to go on the White House roof with congenial` S.S..
I love talking with those gentlemen and ladies who act `Poor.
I like one on K- Street who has bleached white teeth. He nice.
He asked me if I have a light for his reefer. I said no. Ask YKW.
YKW.
YKO.
No puff weeds you pull n the beets and okra patch. Eat greens.
Beet greens are great Vim & Vigor grub. No buy pot in DC street.
Whoop!
I should share my popup I got about gadget hacker annoyances.
Take care.
You have a hard job.
I'd rather be a hick.
You hear katydids.
&
&-+= means this:
my comment no go.
It happens all day.
cc
Kate, I hereby declare you party leader!

Yes, I have plenty of change, Matt, and some hope to go along with it!

Art, I have a pot garden planted out back. I figure them Republicans can't handle their weed and I'll negotiate their ass off! I just hope they don't try any of their gay sex on me!
If I add you as a favorite will you redraw my district?
This is the Barack Obama we've all been waiting for!!!! TAKE NO PRISONERS, BRO!!!
mhold, I shall make you a district of one. Anyone complains they'll have to deal with Homeland Security.

Mr. Lefty, fear not. I am the black Napoleon. One either stands up for one's country or one stands in front of a firing squad!
All party charges will come out of Halliburton's war profiteering, Kate. Consider your budget to be infinite!
Can I have justice department, Obama? Holder's gotta -- go under his reign it, truly is the department of (UN)justice.


-R-
Well it's about damn time your real ass showed up! If you had let THIS Barack take over in 2009, we might not be in this mess.

Lezlie
Why does this seem so familiar? Is that you Timmy?
Kate says it all for me and more.
i respectfully and humbly submit my application to be Secretary of the Department of Humor...making comedy a cabinet-level appointment will make the world a better place, and you have the power, Mr. President, to correct a grievous oversight in the structure of our government...thank you.
Seer, I seek to connect with the people, hear their concerns and solve their problems. And God help anyone who gets in my way!

Shanghai, go I shall!

Mark, bring me Bush and Cheney in chains and the job is yours for life! There are those who say pursuing say the rule of law is a partisan path. That only seems true because of one side's proclivity for law breaking!

Lezlie, it's not too late! We shall overcome!

Mr. Spud, ask not what you can do for your President, ask what your President can do for you. And one might say I met an angry monkey.

Algis, welcome aboard!

Mr. mistercomedy, I'd be more than happy to make that appointment but I'm afraid you'll have a lot of competition due to the high number of clowns already in Congress.
I just arrived to the Sunday's neologism and changed my underpants for a friendly Oval Office visit.

The last time I visited a White House?
There was no pink-rolls of bath tissue.
We'll not sport a pencil thin mustache.
We'll sit in Oval Office to read Dr. Seuss.


Sam Kass can't deodorize a outhouse.
He does cook some fancy grub dishes.

He's no mood-ill-wacky kook/cook.
I can bring a Mennonite gal Friend.
She'll bake a shoo-fly or chiffon pie.

I can bring gifts for the front lawn.
Al Franken can wear the green kilt.
We guest may bring: beers, silver,
dobermans, poodle, a crocodile,
honey White House Ale, penguin,
O Baby jesus, O Mary Magdalene,
and we can practice d' smooches.
`
And we can pledge to keep pants up.
Reptiles have a horny textured skin.
We can describe our first orgasms.
`
Say hi to Michelle and Sam Kass.
&
I doubted that this would go. Eh.
It's a inner Open Salon Hack job.
I just arrived to the Sunday's neologism and changed my underpants for a friendly Oval Office visit.

The last time I visited a White House?
There was no pink-rolls of bath tissue.
We'll not sport a pencil thin mustache.
We'll sit in Oval Office to read Dr. Seuss.


Sam Kass can't deodorize a outhouse.
He does cook some fancy grub dishes.

He's no mood-ill-wacky kook/cook.
I can bring a Mennonite gal Friend.
She'll bake a shoo-fly or chiffon pie.

I can bring gifts for the front lawn.
Al Franken can wear the green kilt.
We guest may bring: beers, silver,
dobermans, poodle, a crocodile,
honey White House Ale, penguin,
O Baby jesus, O Mary Magdalene,
and we can practice d' smooches.
`
And we can pledge to keep pants up.
Reptiles have a horny textured skin.
We can describe our first orgasms.
`
Say hi to Michelle and Sam Kass.
I must say, this is a facet of Barack Obama I can get behind, and I mean that in the most heterosexual way possible. I motion that in the name of liberal idealism we begin mandatory rehabilitation of Tea Partiers at the Burning Man festival, where they'll be forced to learn The Internationale and wear latex leopard-print unitards or be fed to LGBT wolverines.
bet you didn't know that "barack" is "badass" in whatever language they speak in kenya. i'm with nana. and my money's on the wolverines. i'd even buy a $700 burning man ticket to film it.
Candace, I'm passing a law that says all Republicans must speak Kenyan while wearing moo-moos - and like it!

Mr. nanatehay, I have a far crueler fate in store for them: I'm going to teach them MATH!
Art, I'm having your comments read into the Congressional record. I'm also distributing them for use in future filibusters anytime a Republican decides to act like a jackass.
Now why the hell don't you talk like this to the nation?
Methinks theres an impostor! Maybe he can fool Michelle, and take over! Yeah!
Think Kagemusha, Kenny my friend.