This is what happens when you fail to appeal to the right wing base

If anyone still doubts I'm the Democratic Jesus, please take a look at the Republican "opposition" I face. Come November I'll be up against an empty suit that would lose an IQ test to a marionette. All you need to know about the rest of the field is that they couldn't even beat him!

Listen and understand when I tell you this is all by design. 

God knows (literally) I can't run on my own record. If I had to run against someone with even the slightest intelligence I'd be knee-deep in grits and alligators. Oh sure, I got supporters who rush to smell my every poop and loudly declare: "His shit don't stink!" But really, can I count on people staying stupid forever?

In order to validate the worship I so richly deserve I MUST win this election! Your President is not a loser! My reelection will confirm my infallible rightness just as my predecessor's proved his. Everyone knows the left wing base is stuck in my pocket like two -day-old chewed gum - which means the most important and vital block I must win is the Right Wing Base!

Presidential candidate or muppet? You decide!

Despite the millions upon millions I help each and every day just by the sheer magnificence of my holding office, one group remains incalcitrant in defying my greatness. These scumbags fail to revere their savior, ungrateful and sullen as teenage virgins, these nabobs of negativity threaten to destroy this country! Do they not know it's kiss my black ass or die!!

Now it's time to take the gloves off!  No more Mr. Humiliating Myself Into Infamy! I will prove to you I'm not worthy of assassination like some horny Kennedy. I will not let this country fall into Republican hands (*wild applause*) - just Republican policies (*wilder applause*). It's all about winning, baby. Either you're with me or victimized by me!

I know you're wondering who this vile and misbegotten group is who dare oppose me. They are a self-serving lot, seeing only what they want to see. In their eyes I can do no right, and all my good works lay martyred upon their altar of perfidy. They are fools who have no understanding of politics or the art of capitulation. Damn them! Damn them to hell!

You know who I'm talking about: The Professional Poor! 

You think I'm weak don't you? Well, you got another think coming! Just because I'm black doesn't mean I'm opposed to slavery! Work harder, bitches. I hear you bastards calling me a gutless coward catering to political expediency in servile servitude of a craven need for approval. Oh, yeah? Just watch me now! Watch me stand up to the weak and the oppressed, see me put my foot down on the outcast and voiceless, see if I leave a tip at my next Wall Street fundraiser ($35,000 a plate)!

I'm going to "Bin laden" you Professional Poor pricks!

How shall I fuck thee? Let me count the ways:

Gasoline tops $3.50 at earliest ever point

That's right, for every drop of gas you put in your car I'm going to BLEED you dry! Traitors who question me might notice we have record supplies of oil on hand, that I've turned control of the commodities market over to speculators who siphon billions from the pockets of the impoverished and working poor every day. Don't like it, get a bike. No way am I going to stop my speculator friends like they did back in the day when the kindly Hunt brothers tried to corner the silver market. Let the free market reign!

Drug testing for the unemployed

No more sitting around all day on your XBox smoking joints and shooting monsters! My right wing buddies and I are going to put you in your place. HAHAHA! To make it even funnier, when I sign this into law I'll talk about how much "I really hate to do this" - just hope I can keep a straight face. We all know you don't deserve squat! It's the greedy bankers I need to keep happy, not the lazy ass unemployed slackers!

Can't get elected turning over the bankers' tables, loser!

I bet you like the recovery we got going on, doncha?? Things are just going to keep getting better and better forever! We need to keep concentrating on that so we can forget about the half of the country trapped in poverty. If you're scraping by, barely making do, living one setback away from total disaster - be proud of that! Don't be complaining, I need your blind faith! Trust me, not Jesus.

Jesus could never be more than a nonviable principled third party candidate who'd stop all the fun wars, be mean to the banks by making them pay back every last trillion even if it takes till the end of time and worst of all would destroy the American creed of greed. Keep the dream alive! You too can be rich. Don't destroy lives by not letting the greedy have their way!

Please, please play it politically savvy and notice only the low wage jobs inevitably creeping back into the economy. That's all that counts! Don't see the forest for the trees! Ignore the 1.4 qaudrillion derivatives market, enough to wipe out every stock market in the world 40 times over. Do NOT think about that. Only doomsayers point to the fact derivatives remain wholly unregulated and the underlying cause of the 2008 crisis continues to grow like a cancer in the dark.