Darth Romney: "Barack, I am your father!"
"No, no! That's impossible!"
"Search your feelings. You know it to be true!"
"No! NOOOOOOO! You're nothing but a flip-flopper who'll say anything to attain political power!"
"Remember the health insurance plan, Barack. Remember the mandate! Remember your famous flip-flop on that. My blood flows within you!"
"Can't be! You don't understand the need for total capitulation in the name of scoring political points even if it merits no human benefit!"
"What, are you kidding? You just read my campaign platform!"
"But it's different for me! It has to be! I'm a black man!"
"Forget your skin, my son. Who but a Republican could gloat about imposing a financial hardship on the middle class in the name of corporate profits? Who's plan was it first to divert public money to private corporations? I ask you again: who's your daddy?"
"But I'm not a flip-flopping backstabber of the middle class! Millions of people believe in me! I am their savior!"
"Yes, you have done well in your deception, my son. You are the ultimate Sith Lord! Cheered by those who sit on the end of the branch while you saw it off. Amazing! The Comfortable Left will blindly follow you off any cliff."
"But I'm just one man! I'm no savior. Stop expecting me to fix everything!"
"If one man makes no difference then you're saying I may as well be President??"
"No, wait - "
"Be proud of yourself, son. No open Republican could ever receive a Peace Prize while waging an elective war that pisses off half the world making them our sworn enemies. We Republicans only attack you to keep up the pretense you're not one of us. Come out of the closet, Barack. Together we can loot the country!"
"I will never steal from the American people!"
"No Sith Lord ever would! But nor would you ever stop it! Ask yourself: could you ever arrest a banker? Could you ever arrest a financial profiteering predator like me? Of course not! Who can arrest his daddy?"
"I hate you! I hate all that you stand for! I'm for a good and pure America!"
"My exact perfidious words! That's why you can never stop me or my kind!"
"I can't arrest you because justice is evil and wrong. It would divide the country but I seek to bring us together!"
"I understand: You want to make us all greedy fuckers!"
"That's not what I said!"
"It's just what you do!"
"Stop looking at what I do and listen to what I say! That's what makes me different!"
"That's what makes you a Sith politician, my son. Repealing civil rights and opening the door to a police state without a single peep left or right: magnificent!"
"Believing in me gives people a genuine false hope. They must capitulate as I do or risk being labeled malcontents or dreamers. God, I hate dreamers! They're nothing but trouble causing shits! No one can be called a good person unless they totally and utterly support me. The truth be damned! I'm out to save the world!"
"And anything is justified to a man saving the world!"
"Exactly! Every night in my dreams I am the great black hope, seriously killing all the bad guys in my video game fantasies! If I had a vote I would have voted to crucify Jesus too! He even admitted he came to divide us, to "turn brother against brother". But I am the true savior and uniter!"
"Yes, feel the power of the greed side! Bring us together as one and in the darkness bind us. It's the American way. It's the only way! I dare you to speak differently!"
"No, I must be different. I have to be! It's the only way I can feel good about myself and keep the lie alive. Death to all whistleblowers!"
"Exactly what Nixon said in '72! Don't worry, Barack. Just think of the thundering approval you will get on election night. Go ahead, take the bribe! You even followed me into Harvard. You are my son!"
"I will never be your son! My evil is better than your evil. No one wants to hear your lies, they love my lies. I don't know what that means but I know it means something good. I have faith in that! I'm a believer! I have the audacity of hope!"
"Protest all you want. Pretend to the end! It makes no difference to us who see only the reality of getting our own way. Even if I lose, I win! It will be a glorious day as the self-deceived applaud their doom, thinking they've "won"! We all be laughing our asses off off-camera. All those rich lies! I can hear it now: "He's really going to let them Republicans have it in his second term!
Rest assured, I will play my role, my son. And the deluded masses will play theirs. I already got my side rooting against their own interests and you at last have done the same with your legions of goose-stepping devotees. Greed, war, poverty, the power of the state and the will of the invincible corporations shall roll on unabated. There is no audacity for any hope but for that. Thank you for your pragmatism on being a superior Republican!"