Today, I spent a few hours trimming non-essential expenses from our budget (or lack thereof).  No more Netflix, HBO, newspaper, audible.com, and myfooddiary.com.   I'll miss them but for the most part, it's painless.  I'm preparing myself for the second, more painful round.  Due to the rising cost of transportation and hay and feed expenses, dispersal of at least some of our herd is necessary, some of which I know will end up at the butcher, lambs I helped enter this world whose fleece makes beautiful sweaters and whose bleats greet us in the morning and at dusk.  I can give up television and new clothes and toys but my animals mean the world to me and are one of the main reason we moved to the boonies we call home (for now).

Without success, I have been searching for a job.  I'm overqualified, underqualified, or just not right for the position.  I need something with flexible hours in order to care for the grandbaby.  I need something that pays a living wage.  I need to be valued.  I need to value myself.

To add icing to my pity party cake, my dumb autoimmune disease has raised its ugly head again because, horrors, I tried to exercise regularly.  Exercise stimulates the immune system and since mine is out of whack, that means it attacks my own body instead of pernicious intruders.

And I am sad, so very sad.  I am looking for unapparent answers, questioning my value to my family and to this world.  I need help but have nowhere to turn besides rheumatologists and psychiatrists who look out for their filthy lucre more than my well-being.  I don't know if I'll ever get better.  Someone slap some sense into me.

Please excuse my selfishness and egocentricity.  I'll probably delete this later but I needed a good cry.