Before I begin this Mad Typist-inspired diatribe, I have to admit I was supposed to write about Brett Favre and my Point/Counterpoint position that he should stay home and enjoy his wide-screen TV, his La-Z-Boy snack well, and his various recliner positions and postures.  Brett’s a nice guy.  I waited on him and his family when San Diego hosted the Superbowl/NJ Mob Reunion in 1998.  My Wisconsin-bred co-worker stole his fork.  I have no animosity toward Brett.  I just think he should enjoy the fruits of his labors, at home, away from Lambeau Field.

Whom I do carry animosity towards, however, is Rachel Ray, culinary-school-untrained, Cesar-Romero-Joker-mouthed, über-perky countenanced, garbage-bowl-carrying, mile-a-minute-talking, unfairly-wealthy-beyond-words “television personality”.  Between my own feelings and the seemingly unending sources of Raytard venom on the web, I could, no exaggeration, write a master’s thesis on the pseudo-chef, a boring master’s thesis, but a long one nonetheless.

When she first appeared on Food Network cooking for her “30-Minute Meals” show, I actually liked her.  She was subdued in comparison to the current manic gesticulating caricature of herself she has become.  And she did as promised, churned out a simple, if uninspired, complete meal in 30 minutes or less, something this currently mud-covered fishwife could do well to emulate.

Suddenly, however, a lot of people began to like her and, as her power and ego grew, a little-known substance known as perkose began multiplying like a cancer in her bloodstream.  Symptoms of hyperperkosis include uncontrollable body movements, greatest of which is arm waving, rapid increases in words per minute, typically at high volume, and vocabulary dementia, in which the victim imagines words that do not exist in language as we know it but are understood by the Ray’s Idiotic Fanbase/Rachel’s Asshole Followers (RIF/RAF).  Examples of this verbage include “yum-o”, “EVOO”, “sammie”, and “GB”. 

Rachel Ray now has 17,234 shows on Food Network, second only to Emeril LaGasse (BAM!).  During one of these shows, “$40 a Day”, she travels to exotic locales and shows Bermuda-shorts-and-black-socks-wearing spuds everywhere how not to tip, typically leaving a 10% gratuity on her probably-comped-anyway meals.  As food servers typically make minimum wage and less from their employers and depend on tips for frivolous pursuits like paying rent and purchasing groceries, Ms. Ray has benefited medical science everywhere through the discovery of yet another medical condition, prevalent among restaurant employees, bilus volcanitis, the cure for which can be found in the resumption of at least 15% gratuities.  More rapid recovery can be attained by the more appropriate 20% and, when warranted and earned, 25% plus. 

Rachel Ray is not a total loss.  She generated ignorant right-wing (excuse the redundancy) ire led by Michelle Malkin by wearing a black and white scarf in a Dunkin Donuts ad that, according to Ms. Malkin, resembled a keffiyeh, favorite fashion statement of late PLO chairman Yassir Arafat.  By wearing this scarf, Muslims, all of whom are murderous jihadists and/or US presidential candidates, announce to the world that they are strapping on (and I’m not talking dildos) so you better step back unless you want to get caught up in their own private Palestine.  Dunkin Donuts, in turn, pulled their Ray-involved ad campaign, saving the world from both terrorism and the torture of Ray’s voice during Red Sox games (we do not torture here in the US after all). 

In conclusion, once upon a time, Rachel Ray was a likeable but cheap short order cook who, through happenstance and hard work, landed a show on the Food Network.  Struck by a disease known as hyperperkosis and surrounded by RIF/RAF, she has become a pimple on the boil of celebrity chefdom and triggered bilus volcanitis in a large majority of the population.  The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta has declared her a potential health emergency and Lauren Dillon, who has great experience with mental health issues, states that Rachel Ray is enough to drive us all crazy.  She must be stopped.

The terms perkose, hyperperkosis, and bilus volcanitis are entirely fictional.  The author of the above article is entirely full of shit as well, other than that whole mental health issue thing. Oh, and the title?  I'll never forget Joan Baez calling Reagan "Ray-guns" at Woodstock (my parents had the album).  This is a tribute to her; she strikes me as someone who can't stand perky either.

The counterpoint to this opinion can be found here.