pretend_farmer

pretend_farmer
Location
Scottsdale, Arizona, United States
Birthday
March 04
Title
Maker
Company
Rancho Laurena Rustic Arts
Bio
A wanton young lady of Wimley, Reproached for not acting more primly, Answered, "Heavens above! I know sex isn't love, But it's such an attractive facsimile."

MY RECENT POSTS

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APRIL 25, 2012 11:52AM

The Demon Within

She lurks in the shadows of my psyche, impatiently waiting for the optimum moment to possess me fully, for that perfect storm of  family stress on top of an aching head on top of sleep-deprived nights. She likes the last half of my menstrual cycle, when my estrogen level plummets and… Read full post »

In the beginning, there was chaos. Chaos was darkness, the waters of the abyss. The first god, Amun, arose from the waters using nothing but his own strength to give form to his body. Amun existed alone. All was his. Yesterday and tomorrow were his. Alone, he took his penis inRead full post »

MARCH 23, 2012 6:05PM

Fifty Shades of Fantasy Porn

First, my confession: I read a lot of smut. This five-year-old proclivity could be a symptom of mid-life crisis, a needed fantasy to replace what my life lacks, or a newly found disregard over what a lady such as I am supposed to read. Only The Shadow knows. But, since the… Read full post »

Let’s start with the “No”s:

 

  • No hoodies or drawstrings (because both are handy self-hanging equipment).
  • No multiple tampons (one at a time, please; theoretically, one could string them together for the
  • Read full post »
Okay, that is a premature judgment, one that may hold water in the long run or not. To date, however, I have tried two recipes from "The Pastry Queen, royally good recipes from the Texas Hill Country's Rather Sweet Bakery & Cafe". Each produced far more than what the/Read full post »
Somewhere in my clouded memory banks, I recall tales of repressed fifties housewives, overwhelmed by expectations of perfection in all things, surreptitiously sneaking generous sips of vanilla extract, 35% alcohol by volume, to make their days bearable. While searching the internets for references t
Read full post »
JANUARY 28, 2011 1:23PM

Fugue at 350 Degrees Fahrenheit

In the past week, a week of emotional ups an downs as witnessed by yesterday’s morose posting, I have made a dozen muffins six times. For those of you who are rusty on your times tables, that is 72 muffins. All were eaten, none went to waste.

Jessica started
Read full post »
JANUARY 27, 2011 3:27PM

Four Years and Counting

Four years until I’m at the age Daddy was when he died, he was 52 and, in another month, I’ll be 48. This weighs heavily on me, more than it should. My inner self-loathing gets the better of me and I think of all the success he had, all the success… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 19, 2010 7:49PM

Give Me a Slug of Booze!

Technomic has come out with its restaurant trend predictions for 2011. Now, I've never heard of Technomics before but, by their name, I assume they have something to do with technology and economics. I'm clever that way. Why they're talking about adult beverages, I haven't a clue. But I like adu/Read full post »
Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 18, 2010 11:00PM

"Hell's Kitchen NIGHTMARES Iron TOP Chef Cafeteria THROWDOWN

Last night, the often hilarious, always controversial South Park aired its season finale, a satirical and very blue skewering of Food Network, its celebrity chefs, and food porn (literally). As someone who watches my share of cooking shows, whether they're instructional, travel-based, or reality (Top… Read full post »
When I was a little girl, Helen, or Gramma as I called her, would hug me tight and declare that I was so sweet, she could eat me with a spoon. Which, looking back, was very loving and wonderful in that way that only grandmothers can convey; but, at the time,… Read full post »
NOVEMBER 16, 2010 7:09PM

The Channeler is Not Baking Today

Why, you may ask? Well, she's damned tired as she is still working in the often menial, typically Sisyphean food and beverage industry and has been on her feet for far too many hours in the last several days. Her dogs are barking and we are not referring to the puggle,Read full post »
NOVEMBER 15, 2010 10:43PM

Pie Week!

Pie Week!

Just like Shark Week but sweeter!

Eons and eons ago, when I was but a mere teenager, I spent a summer working at The Greenbrier Resort in White Sulphur Springs, West Virginia. I was there to play nanny to a young baby, the son of the hotel manager,/Read full post »
NOVEMBER 14, 2010 6:44PM

The Rediscovery of Sweet Corn Cake

With many thanks to Julie Delio.

Many moons ago, when we had fewer children and animals to husband, Hubby and I treated ourselves to the occasional brunch at Kiva Grill. This upscale New Mexico-style restaurant across from the no-longer-new Marriott in the La Jolla/UTC area of California featured am
Read full post »
NOVEMBER 14, 2010 12:41PM

Turkeys Hate Facebook!

Scourge of Staten Island: Turkeys terrorize residents as they roam neighborhood

Apparently, turkeys hate Facebook and, in particular, Facebooking en auto, almost as much as Thanksgiving.
NOVEMBER 13, 2010 2:08PM

Hunna, you should see his chest!

I have begun a new blog via Blogger, ChannelingHelen.com, dealing with all things epicurean and intoxicating. I will import here and continue to enjoy and reply to comments received. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for reading! 

 

The year was 1985 and my then boyfriend/now husband and I travel… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 30, 2010 8:10PM

Don't Tell Anyone But...

Don’t tell my children this. But. There are times. When I wish (shhhh). That I hadn’t had any kids (quiet, I tell you).

 

Let me clarify.

 

Just now, case in point, I just sat down to write and the Child of Five asked me… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 12, 2010 6:05PM

A Virgin's Tale

 

Medea
 
 
It is the night. My body's weak.
I'm on the run. No time to sleep.
I've got to ride, ride like the wind to be free again.

 

He liked to make her laugh by mimicking the wind on his dashboard as he drove her home. Laugh,Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 11, 2010 1:26PM

The Escape

I dream of driving with no clear destination in mind. East, I’ve decided, toward my tenuous meandering roots; I shall head east. Wrong age and wrong sex to go the other way, after all. I’ve been sick again, sick enough for the walls to close in on me, sick enough for… Read full post »

JUNE 16, 2010 7:57PM

When you were dying,

 

 

I didn’t say what I now regret omitting.

I didn’t speak of how much I’d miss you,

How much you meant to me,

How my life has been enriched by your presence.

 

I never thanked you

For working long… Read full post »

JUNE 16, 2010 1:51AM

My Annual Father's Day Blog Post

I know it sounds trite; but my father was my hero.  Unlike anyone else in this world, he had the innate ability to make me feel better when I was lower than down, and the gift of inspiring hope and ambition in just about anyone who knew him. 

 … Read full post »

MARCH 18, 2010 5:13PM

How to Dye Wool


Brown roving

 

      

  1. Get some wool.  You can dye it straight off the sheep, washed and carded into roving, or after it is spun into yarn.  I prefer the roving myself, tidy but not too predictable.  Montreal steak seasoning and pepper mi/
Read full post »
Editor’s Pick
MARCH 2, 2010 12:52PM

To Soufflé or Not To Soufflé,

 

 

 

Cheese-souffle-m 

 To soufflé or not to soufflé,

 

That is the question
Whether 'tis simpler for the gut to suffer
The preservatives of microwaved Stouffers,
Or to take whisks against a saucepan of butter and flour
 And, by gyrating, mix them. To warm, to heat
Read full post »

The_Crazies_6 

 

 

Please bear with me while I take a short pause before returning to lessons in backyard chicken husbandry. I had a strange weekend and don’t feel like being all farmingly educational at the moment. I promise I’ll return for your last lesson shortly.

 … Read full post »

FEBRUARY 26, 2010 8:57PM

Backyard Chickens, Part Two

Preparing for Those Fuzzy Bundles of Peepitude

 

 Chicks1 

 

 

When last we kibbutzed, we had set up the accommodations for mature hens to live and love in your backyard and, in return, provide you with fresh eggs, velvety, tasty, colorful, pert-like-teenage-breasts fresh egg… Read full post »