Another Halloween is here, and my neighborhood is preparing for the invasion of miniature ghouls of myriad stripes, from witches to zombies to, I suspect, more than a few little Lady Gaga’s.  That’s all fine with me.  I live in an upper middle class neighborhood that is ideal for trick-or-treating.  It’s safe, there are lots of families, and the yards are all small enough that the little ones can get a big stash without having to traverse far from one door to the next.  Several houses within a block or two of mine go all out, with spooky music and amazing decorations that would make a Hollywood set designer proud.  The neighborhood is so Halloween-friendly, in fact, that it attracts large crowds from other parts of town.  That’s fine with me, too.  I’m happy for families from underprivileged areas to drive over here for a safe night of fun for their kids.

I remember the Halloweens of my childhood.  We took it very seriously.   My mom played creepy music and would answer the door in her witch’s costume.  We kids also went all-out for trick-or-treating, and I’m not just talking about costumes.  As soon as we got home from school on Halloween afternoon, my siblings and I would collect the last couple of days’ newspapers and begin making confetti.  We would also grab a few rolls of toilet paper, and those rolls would join the confetti in the bottom of our trick-or-treat bag.   Pity the neighbors who would not be home for this important night!  They would have some serious yard clean-up to contend with the next day.

Yes, I took Halloween very seriously as a child, and it’s still a holiday that I enjoy a great deal.

That being said, there are a few things that really get my goat about Halloween.  If Procopius were dictator, there would be some very strict rules governing this day.  For the edification of my readers, I offer Procopius’s Rules for Halloween:

Rules for Trick-or-Treaters:

• Wear a costume.  If you older kids can’t go to the trouble of wearing a costume, even if it is a simple homemade costume, then why should I go to the trouble of giving you any candy?

• Parents, if you can’t go to the trouble of getting or making a costume for your small child, why should I go to the trouble of giving your child candy?  I would never punish a small child by denying him or her their treat, but I will certainly cast a disapproving glance toward the child’s parents.

• Girls who have more cleavage than my wife has should not be trick-or-treating.  I will enjoy observing their curves, but I won’t appreciate the expectation that I should give them candy.

• Boys whose voices are deeper than mine should not be trick-or-treating.

• Mothers who come to my door carrying infants still too young to walk should not expect candy from me.  Mom, you aren’t fooling anyone.  Your baby is not going to eat any of that candy – you are.  You should be home handing out candy, not collecting it from me.

• Kids, don’t just ring my doorbell and thrust your candy bag or pumpkin bucket out at me.  If you expect to receive candy from me, the least you can do is say, “Trick or treat!”

• Afterward, a simple “Thank you” would be nice.

Rules for residents:

• Let kids know you're home.  Light a jack-o-lantern, or at least leave the porch light on.

• Halloween happens just once per year.  The least you can do is stay home and make this night special for the children in your neighborhood.

• The term used on Halloween is “Trick or treat.”  It is not just “Treat”.  If you aren’t home to greet the trick-or-treaters, don’t be surprised if you are subject to the “trick” side of the equation.

• Give candy or other sweet delights.  People who hand out toothpaste should expect dire consequences.

And the most important rule of all:

People who refuse to let their children go trick-or-treating because they think Halloween is evil are nuts.  If you won't let your kids go trick-or-treating, then you can go straight to hell.  How’s that for evil?