Loss Sucks! I don’t care who you are! When you lose something you’re close to and care for, it freaking blows!

I recently lost the friendship of my “friend”, whom, I am ready to admit, I had strong feelings for. I enjoyed everything about this woman. I love the way she smelled, to the sound of her voice, to the way she moved, and the stains she left on my sofa and sheets from the “do-rag” she never takes off. She was my ideal, besides the fucked up perception of love, she was my perfect.

I mourn her loss mostly out of habit and our routine. When you spend so much time together, you miss having that person around.

Loss can translate the same feelings into so many things as well. I have seen mothers mourn the loss of the “image” they thought their child was before she came out of the closet. I have seen employees mourn the loss of a job or a promotion. I have seen children mourn the loss of a toy that was left at McDonalds.

Apparently, there are five stages of loss (or grief in some circles).

·         Denial

·         Anger

·         Bargaining

·         Depression

·         Acceptance

Right now I am somewhere in the middle between bargaining and depression. Well, mostly depression. I am mourning the loss of my independence as well. And with that, comes a whole lot of fear. The fear is that I will not be able to care for my son.

Another loss, of the person you thought you were. I believe that sometimes can be the hardest. Sometimes you look up one day and you are just not what you had set out to be, not the mother you want to be, not the lover you wish you were, not the life you thought you had.

Loss on a whole sucks. I think that’s where all our fears come from. How great a life would be if there was no loss or perception of loss. Then there would be no fear.

Sounds like my kind of place.