Just when I thought I might actually be on the verge of acceptance, when I thought that I might at the very least be considered an A minus gay, I had to open my mouth-again.  It seemed like a harmless enough comment- " I'm not really in favor of gay marriage but thanks for asking".  Riedel crystal wine glasses ( filled with the best Pinot Noir that the Russian River produces) started crashing to the floor creating bloody pools at the feet of horrified guest.  I've seen this look before, I might just be the King of the party "faux pas", but it usually involves me saying some variation of "fuck" 13 times in a single sentence, all in earshot of that adorable little 8 year old running around knocking stuff off of shelves.  But this time I hadn't even said "fuck" once and there wasn't a child in sight!  

My host, who I really like, turned as quickly as possible, knocking a tray of wonderfully smelly cheese, purchased just that morning from the Cowgirl Creamery at the Ferry Terminal, onto the beautiful bamboo hardwood floor. In full damage control, with a huge wedge of Red Hawk (Red Hawk, a triple-cream, washed-rind, fully-flavored cheese made from organic cow's milk) stuck to the bottom of her pink Crocs (it was a casual summer get together) our host produced a hardy laugh and exclaimed- "Oh Brian, that's what I love about you, your witty ironic sense of humor!" 

I was taken aback,  so caught off guard by the fact that someone had actually used the word  "ironic" correctly in a sentence that it took a second for me to reply- "I wasn't being ironic."  I knew better, I knew I still had a chance to just laugh it off and step back comfortably into the glow of the A gays but I just couldn't make myself do it (which reminds me of an old joke: a scorpion and a frog are on the bank of a river they both want to cross when the scorpion says to the frog... never-mind everyone  has heard that one.)

"Gay Marriage is the worst type of crappy assimilation politics- I mean why must I make my relationship fit into one of the most unsuccessful and truly fucked up arrangements in history, just to get the rights I should be afforded anyway".  The only sound in the room was the slurping sound coming from the floor were a very cute Scottish Terrier was chowing down a half of a wheel of Mt. Tam cheese (MT TAM is firm, yet buttery with a mellow, earthy flavor reminiscent of white mushrooms).  I took a nice deep, hard tug on my glass of Rose (it was summer, remember) and watched as my name was marked off the mental guest list of the rooms other occupants.

"It is a Civil Rights issue only because we say it is, we have the choice to shape this discussion more broadly" and with that I ceased to be merely amusing or ironic, now I was just an asshole. Now we have a good old fashion "throw down" just without any of Bobby Flay's Santa Fe style chipotle flavors.  "We, as a community, have the chance to step forward and lead- to say  we reject the idea that "marriage" is the best way to acknowledge and support a relationship. That in fact we support stronger laws providing full benefits to domestic partners of all sexual orientations, we reject the idea that our government should so clearly ignore the separation of church and state by turning a religious ceremony into a requirement for equal rights- then we would really be taking a righteous position on civil rights issues."  

I was suddenly distracted by "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC blaring from the speakers and wondered what other hidden gems our hostess had on her I-pod, nothing like the shuffle function to bring out the best in us all.  "While I agree that domestic partnership laws should be strengthened , it is still true that preventing individuals the right to marry has always been used to dehumanize groups along, racial, tribal and sexual lines, one needs to simple look at the history of slavery in the US to see how immoral public policy can be used to fracture and oppress."  Like I said, he really is smart and with this I was suddenly jarred back to reality, forced to live AC/DC for another time.

"With all apologies to Andrew Sullivan, I must say that is a historical argument that fails to mention the dehumanizing impact that marriage has had to women the world over, forced to marry men they don't know, love or even like, often sold into marital slavery by male members of their family. It doesn't even begin to address the dehumanizing nature of marriage for women, who once married often find their goals and wishes are secondary to their husbands... come on please someone step in here and help me out.... remember when  the queer movement argued against the oppressive structure of patriarchy?  Please someone run into our host's library and pull that slight dusty copy of Ann Ferguson's Sexual Democracy: Women, Oppression, and Revolution, off the book shelve"  It was at this point that I realized that I was more invisible than meatloaf at vegan potluck.  No one was running to the book shelve, in fact no one was paying any attention to me, not even the clever, charming Ivy League lawyer with whom  I thought I was having a "throw down". 

I opened my mouth to speak once again about the joy of being queer, how great it was to not have to feel the pressure to conform, about how freeing it was to think of the world as we wanted it to be, not as it was; but all I heard coming from my mouth was "blah blah blah blah blah".

Luckily someone to my right passed me a plate of tiny pastries stuffed with a mushroom risotto and drizzled with a balsamic vinegar reduction, providing me with something to stuff in my blabbering mouth