When I signed my first teaching contract back in 1997, I noticed a little something called "Other Duties as Assigned".  I didn't really think much of it because I was going to be making an incredible $23,000 a year. You don't ask questions. I was too busy spending all my money in my head.  The cars.  The women.  The pencils. The pencil sharpeners.  The Easy Cheese.  It would all be mine.  I was rich.  

     However, the reality is that on a teacher's contract those little words mean "You Will BE Doing Many Fun and Exciting Things Like Cafeteria Duty, and Bus Duty, and Wanding for Weapons, and Catching Smokers, and Chasing Down Truants, and Investigating Mysteriously Rocking Vans in the Student Parking Lot, and Most Joyously of All You Will Be Working in Our Concession Stand During Basketball Season." The only part of that litany of school day routine that I actually hated was the last one.  The concession stand worker's lot in life might even be worse than some Republicans right now.  I have seen workers cursed and insulted over a change making mistake.  I have personally been showered in orange drink and ultimately I spent the rest of the evening looking like a bespectacled Chee-to.  I have even seen a man argue with a woman over the size of the wiener he was giving her.  The concession stand is a hotbed of human misery.

     This week I am working the concession stand for the Regional basket ball tournament, and, as much as I hate it, I decided to stay in there for four soul crushing days out of respect for my boss who I respect.  He needed steady reliable help, and I guess I am both steady and reliable.  I just look the horde in the eye and dare them to cross me. 

     Concession stand customers come in many stripes.  There are the Conspicuous Consumers. These are the type that make at least two trips per game to the stand.  There are six games a night.  The CC's don't just get a coke or a Ring Pop or even Funyuns.  They get Frito pies, hot dogs with melted NOT-cho CHEESE, chicken strips, and hamburgers.  They pay for crap food what I pay for water every month.  I wonder if it's just the basket ball tourney atmosphere or, if that's really how they eat everyday.  Sometimes they just seem bored; sometimes they just seem lonely.  I've had several conversations this week about the merits of various flavors of Rico's NOT-cho CHEESE.

       The opposite of the CC's are the BIRD PEOPLE.  These people only get water and popcorn. They stand in front of the stand nibbling at the popcorn like picky pigeons if something is off about the popcorn in their eyes they will demand their money back.  They will demand that you refund fifty cents for their half eaten bag of popcorn.  There is also a subspecies known as the BIRD PEOPLE of DASANI. These people will only buy water if it is Dasani.  These people have a difficult time pronouncing Dasani. 

       You also have various and sundry children who have never been disciplined.  The GOURMETS who have mistaken your concession stand for a cutting edge restaurant and are appalled at your bastardized menu.  How can people eat Frito Chili Pies at a basketball game?  The very idea.

        I work and smile because I am a professional.  I am a professional because I do what has to be done when it has to be done.  I remember as I am harassed by Toothless Jo Jackson about the weakness of the coffee that I am here for the kids.  I am here for the kids. I am here for the kids.   

 No, I'm sorry we don't have any Bacardi for your cherry Slush Puppy.