My poor, poor neglected blog. I am here to give you some much needed attention. For the three of you who still frequent this dusty place, I am going to share with you several things that you should not do in 2012 so that you will be prepared for a wonderous year of sucessfulocity.
Do Not Invest In Anything
We now know that banks, 401Ks, and Government Bonds are worth shit. Even as our economy claws it’s way toward 8.234599% unemployment, we have learned that the best place to put our money is in our mattresses. Actually, you should just spend everything you have by 12/21/12, which is when the world will promptly come to an end.
Do Not Go on a Diet
People, diets don’t work. You may end up losing 10, 20, even 30 pounds when you eat cabbage and celery for three months but you will gain it all back as soon as you walk into a Starbucks so don’t even try. Just eat what you want but in moderation. No. Eating a whole bag of Cheetos while you watch The Bachelor is not moderation.
Do Not Vote
We are so very lucky to get to witness the end of the world in 2012 but we also get to experience an election year! Yay. I urge you however to not vote. It’s not like you are going to change anything or make Newt Gingrich go away. He’ll still be around even if he doesn’t become President. On November 6, 2012 rather than going to scratch out your vote for some dude (you KNOW there will NOT be a woman on the ballot…c’mon this is only the 21st Century. Women couldn’t possibly run the U.S.), you don’t even really care about go to Walmart and buy a bunch of crap you don’t need. That’s a more direct way to tell our government what you really want.
Do Not Try to Improve Yourself in Any Way
Tony Robbins. Jack Canfield. Dr. Phil. Richard Simmons. Do you really want to be like these guys? Sure, they are all touchy feely and walk on hot coals and are bald and wear super fantastic spandex pants but you don’t want to do that every day, do you? Real people have bad days, bad hair, and bad breath. We need douche bags and divas to feel better about ourselves so stop trying to improve yourself. Be the jerk you were meant to be.
Do Not Get Out of Debt
Debt is what runs this country. If we all got out of debt, where would the money come from? Credit card companies are people too. They rely on your 35.6666% interest to feed their families and furnish their 12 homes in the Hamptons. What would happen to the head of Visa? He’d be out in the streets! The world is gonna end anyway. Use your plastic with wild abandon this year! Whooo hooo!
So there you have it. I’m sure you were super excited that I came out of my Holiday stupor to share this wisdom with you. Here’s to a supercalifragelousexpialidocious 2012!!!