Blogging a Dead Horse

john blumenthal

john blumenthal
January 05
john_blumenthal (On Twitter)
Curmudgeon. Formidable braggart. Comedy writer. Eight books, 2 movies. Former associate editor at Playboy Magazine. Movies include "Short Time," (major flop), and "Blue Streak" (huge hit, no idea why.) Last three novels were "What's Wrong With Dorfman?" (St. Martin's Press), "Millard Fillmore, Mon Amour," (St. Martin's Press) and "Three and a Half Virgins" (Finalist, International Book Awards.) Latest book -- a spoof of romance novels called "Passing Wind of Love."


Let's say it's a warm summer day and you're sitting at an outdoor café sipping a Prosecco and watching the people parade. A 55-year-old guy who looks his age (in spite of the dyed hair and sucked-in paunch) strolls by with his arm around a sexy, scantily clad woman who looksRead full post »

I wonder what kind of panties Lawyer Lady is wearing. Black lace? V-kini? Gulp... thong? More importantly, is she even wearing a bra? If I asked her a question -- which would shock everybody in the room, not to mention the media -- that's what I would ask. Technically it's not/Read full post »

JANUARY 4, 2014 2:39PM

I Met My Girlfriend on Goodreads

I found Sophie through a "search for friends" on Goodreads. It took awhile but after reading her profile (which was accompanied by a portrait of the lady), I clicked on "compare books" and was delighted to find that our circles merged perfectly, the blue and green orbs becoming one as if… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 30, 2013 2:57PM

How I Screwed Up My First Romance Novel

Inspired by the gazillions of dollars people are making in the romance novel genre, I decided to write one with a friend, Barry Golson. Granted, the genre is dominated by women, but so what? How hard could it be?

Besides, Barry and I weren’t exactly neophytes. Some years ago, we’d cutRead full post »

JULY 29, 2013 10:59AM

The Worst Travel Guide Ever

For your first European excursion, we suggest you visit the magical city of Paris. In case you're not quite as well-versed in geography as we are, Paris is located on the banks of the Black Sea in the northern horn of the island of Italy. For a romantic trip, try toRead full post »

SEPTEMBER 13, 2012 11:40AM

Robotics Engineer Confesses: "I Built Mitt"

A few years ago, when I was teaching Advanced Robotics at MIT, a representative from an anonymous Republican PAC offered me an obscene amount of money to build a generic Republican candidate. "Nothing fancy," he said. "Just something that will fill a suit.

I was confused. "But you already have liveRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
JUNE 28, 2012 2:04PM

Hanging Out with Nora in 1973

Nora and I worked at Esquire at the same time, she as a columnist, me as a lowly fact-checker. It was 1973. We'd passed each other in the halls occasionally, perhaps rode an elevator together, but she had no idea who I was and I wasn't quite bold enough to tell… Read full post »

For those men who take for granted the concept of oral contraception, let's pretend that it's 1958 and there's no pill. What were your contraceptive options back then?


First, there was the prophylactic. A disease preventative, yes, but also an exasperating hassle.


Back in 19… Read full post »

God, I love President Santorum. Thanks to him, I’m a person now. A year ago ago, just embryos were people. But that’s not really fair, so now Rick has gone even farther and decided that I have rights too. I mean, I’m half the equation, right?


Free at last! Free… Read full post »

JANUARY 26, 2012 11:19AM

A Diatribe Against Self-Promotion

Hucksterism has gotten way out of hand in America. It’s downright sickening. Take Herman Cain. Please. This is a guy who ran for President to promote a book!


Or take Donald Trump. Please. His campaign was a promotion for his pathetic TV series. Nobody except Lawrence O’Donnell seem… Read full post »

DECEMBER 30, 2011 12:26PM

Newt Gingrich's Profile

Screen name:  TiffanyGuy$$$ 

Age: 68 

Married, Divorced, Widowed or Single? It's complicated.


Religion: Not a Mormon.



What Are You Looking for in a Woman? I’m searching for that special woman who will understand and appreciate that I’m cheatiRead full post »

DECEMBER 7, 2011 11:15AM

I’m Mitt Romney’s Hair Stylist

I’ve been doing Mitt’s hair since he graduated from college. He tried a chic Beverly Hills hair stylist once – Raoul -- but the guy took too much off the top and Mitt had to go into hiding for a month. Mitt's very particular about his hair. Once, when he had a… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 16, 2011 10:54AM

Apple’s New Smartphone for Boomers

Hoping to capitalize on the lucrative over-fifty Boomer market, Apple has unveiled its much-anticipated new smartphone for seniors, the iSight 6t. The revolutionary device comes with apps designed specifically for Boomers who are plagued by nostalgia issues or health problems (including senioritis.)… Read full post »

Thanks to Michele Bachmann, the tired concept of Intelligent Design has once again become a topic of conversation among Creationists, most of whom, ironically, often sound like Neanderthals.  In case you don’t know, this theory claims that the human body is simply too remarkable to ha/Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JUNE 13, 2011 11:11AM

Excerpts from Sarah Palin’s American History Textbook

We've seen Sarah Palin's History Channel, courtesy of Conan O'Brien. This is her next step


Chapter One: In 1824, George Washington wrote the six articles of the Declaration of Independence which was ratified by 17 of the original 13 American colonies right after our brave soldiers/Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MAY 20, 2011 10:45AM

Breaking News: GOP Will Run Nobody for President in 2012

WASHINGTON, D.C. In an unprecedented move, The RNC announced today that the Republican Party has decided to cancel its primaries and run nobody for president in 2012.


Speaking to reporters, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus explained the decision: “We think that running nobody Read full post »

That's right, the invitation arrived a few weeks ago. I wasn't surprised, although Pete, my mail carrier, was puzzled by the fancy calligraphy on the envelope. I told him it was probably  from one of those charities that thinks you'll be dumb enough to open the envelope if the address looksRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
MARCH 30, 2011 10:50AM

President Palin’s First Ten Days in Office

Day One: Chief Justice Roberts administers the oath of office. President Palin repeats the words “So help me God,” fifty-five times and won’t let go of the Bible. The benediction lasts six hours.


In her inaugural speech, she proclaims that, "Democratic countries of the worldRead full post »

House Republicans have come up with a new gimmick -- putting the words "Jobs Creation Act" at the end of every bill in order to camouflage the real intent of the legislation. Here's a comprehensive list of all the "jobs legislation" the Tea Party Congress has  introduced so far:

HR 211:… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 9, 2011 10:56AM

Should the North Celebrate the Defeat of the Confederacy?

Once a year, for reasons that make sense only to them, the former Confederate States of America commemorate their participation in what they euphemistically refer to as “The War of Secession.” 


This year marks the150th anniversary of the start of the Civil War (SouthRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 24, 2011 11:04AM

The Foodie Craze: Pomposity on a Plate

I recently attended a dinner party thrown by a friend of mine who fancies herself a gourmet chef. She’d prepared a lavish dinner for six and I was the first one to finish eating because everybody else just couldn’t stop jabbering about how splendid it all was. While my food wasRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 20, 2011 10:26AM

Two Years Ago Today Obama Was Inaugurated: I Was There

My wife and I -- both of us Democratic activists -- were so certain that a Democrat would win the White House in 2008, we decided to attend the inauguration and promptly made hotel reservations in DC before anybody even knew who the nominee would be. (We were guessing it would be HillaryRead full post »

This post is not awesome. It might be inspirational. It might be dazzling. It might be delightful. But awesome? No.


The Pyramids are awesome. The Great Wall of China is awesome. The stupidity of the American voter is awesome.



Last week, I heard a teenage girl&nbsRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
DECEMBER 22, 2010 11:31AM

Scrooge Was Right about Christmas

When Dickens’ A Christmas Carol was published in 1843, London was a virtual cesspool. The city's stench was overpowering because the science of sewage disposal involved dumping everything that stank in the Thames. There were rats everywhere and they were not spreading holiday cheer. IRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 19, 2010 2:18PM

Stark Naked at the Airport

Picture this: I am standing in line at an airport security check. I place my luggage and computer bag on the belt. Next, I dump all my change, keys and other random pocket debris in the little basket. I take off my shoes. Then I remove my belt and add itRead full post »