Blogging a Dead Horse

john blumenthal

john blumenthal
Location
Santa Monica, California,
Birthday
January 05
Title
Your Excellency
Bio
First class kvetch. Formidable braggart. Professional comedy writer. Published 8 books, written 2 movies. Former associate editor and columnist at Playboy Magazine for 8 truly debauched years, following a short stint at Esquire. Movies include "Short Time," (major flop), and "Blue Streak" (huge hit, no idea why.) Last two novels, "What's Wrong With Dorfman?" and "Millard Fillmore, Mon Amour," (only available online now) were both huge bestsellers among the members of my immediate family.

MARCH 10, 2010 12:42AM

An Interview with Judy Berman

Note: I have no idea who conducted this interview, but it wasn’t me. I just found it floating around the Blogosphere.

 

Q. How are you, Judy? 

A: Are you kidding? I have 2000 more posts to read and it’s already 3:00 PM 

 

Q. Wow. How many doRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 24, 2010 2:53AM

New Airline Charges: Fasten Your Seatbelts

1. Each person will now be charged $85 for TSA inspections of baggage, shoes etc. If your feet smell, tack on another $20.    

        

2. If the plane crashes and you survive, you will be charged a survival fee of $1000.

  

3Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 19, 2010 3:22AM

What Happens After You Die

  

First off, the only people who really know what happens after you die are stand-up comedians. To them, dying means they don’t get booked at Caesar’s Palace.

  

But seriously folks…

  

The Soul Train

  

Einstein said: “Energy cannot beRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 17, 2010 3:06AM

How to Make the Winter Olympics More Interesting

1. Triathlon: Competitors ski Cross Country, then stop to shoot at a target, and then stop again to bake oatmeal raisin cookies.

  

2. Ski Jumping: Competitors ski down the jump backwards while signing a Last Will and Testament. Extra points can be gained by degree of difficulty, which invol/Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 10, 2010 3:02AM

Is Jane Austen Overrated?

Since 1940, there have been countless adaptations of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, some of them films, some theatrical rendtions, some miniseries, and some PBS and BBC productions.

  

Even a Bollywood version of the novel recently made it to the big screen --- sarongs and VindaloRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 8, 2010 2:48AM

I’m the Greatest Braggart That Ever Lived

Here are 25 things I can do:

  

1. Run the mile in 40 seconds while knitting.

 

2. Make love to 12 women at the same time and satisfy them all except for the one named Edgar.

 

3. Copy the Mona Lisa but leave out the face.

 

4. Win 50 Olympic goldRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 4, 2010 12:01PM

How Jeff Brawer & I Spent Our Summer Vacation -- in 1969

Jeff Brawer and I were college roommates for two years when we both attended Tufts University in Boston. I’m not sure exactly which years these were because I’m still high.

 

I do recall that it wasn’t a marriage made in heaven, but I was lacking a TV and stereo,Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 2, 2010 3:02AM

I May Have to Wear a Thong to Sell My Next Novel

After a five-year stint as a screenwriter, I decided –- stupidly -- to write a novel. At the time, I had a West Coast agent, but he didn’t sell books, so I had to find a new agent, a process I would liken to having your testicles surgically removed by a carpenter.Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 28, 2010 5:59PM

My Exclusive Interview with J.D. Salinger

JB:  It’s nice here in New Hampshire. Very quiet. 

JDS: I like my privacy.  

JB: So I’ve heard.  

JDS: Where’d you hear that? 

JB: It’s common knowledge, Mr. Salinger 

JDS: Call me Jay. People who don’t much like me/Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 21, 2010 10:45AM

I’m Obsessed with My Dog’s Bowels

Ever since I started blogging on this site, I’ve read hundreds of posts about remarkably intelligent pets --- cute little dogs that can explain quantum physics, adorable cats that can read Proust, sweet canaries that can pitch for the Yankees, colorful fish that can play Chopin nocturnes on a SRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 18, 2010 3:48AM

How My First Movie Got Made

Like everything else in Hollywood, my first movie –- “Short Time” --- was made because of a combination of luck, timing, and some shameless groveling on my part. But mostly luck. For once in my life, the cookie fortune was right and the stars were aligned in my favor, not thatRead full post »

JANUARY 14, 2010 10:30AM

Why I'm Not Shakespeare

the origami hat vendor has all-seeing eyes blinded
from staring at
the shining lavender buttocks of the suitcase,
eating gruel on the fulsome ship which floats
ungracefully upon the rice
as the night's sun and its hatless corn
both arise in hideous splendor in the lobby and
the soaking canine stands beneath/… Read full post »
JANUARY 12, 2010 1:18PM

When Your GPS Gets Mad at You

 

The Jewish GPS:

  

I said turn right, schlemiel. Don’t you listen? What, you know everything better?  I hope you didn’t spend all your Bar Mitzvah gelt on this cockamamie thing. And why aren’t you wearing a sweater? It’s cold. Did you wash your hands befor/Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 10, 2010 11:15PM

TV's First “American Idol” --- “Ted Mack's Amateur Hour”

When I was a kid, back in the Fifties, TV sets were heavy, unwieldy boxes with enormous rear ends that held an assortment of tubes. There was no such thing as remote control. We switched channels by turning a knob. Often the knob would break off and you’d have to useRead full post »

JANUARY 4, 2010 8:22PM

The Lost Art of Bantering

What exactly is bantering? According to most dictionaries, it’s “an exchange of light, playful, teasing remarks; good natured raillery.”

  

Not much is known about when and where bantering began. It may have started with cavemen, but if that’s the case, it probably iRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
DECEMBER 30, 2009 3:16AM

Understanding Hollywood Agents

 

Q: Why won't sharks attack agents? 

A: Professional courtesy

  

It might not be the smartest idea for me to be writing this, but at the moment I’m not involved in the movie business, so who cares? However, if I ever decide to plunge backRead full post »

DECEMBER 29, 2009 3:47AM

A Colonoscopy at Every Airport?

The Underpants Bomber may very well have opened up a whole new chapter in airport security. For example, how long will it be before the anus becomes the hiding place of choice? What do we do to detect this? The conglomeration of odors may very well either confuse or repel theRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
DECEMBER 23, 2009 3:35AM

What Happened to Speling, Grammer and Geografie?

In my youth (or what my kids refer to as medieval times), when I was a smartass kid attending a small-town New York elementary school, my class was required to take a geography course. It was a basic part of the curriculum. I suppose our school board perceived that it wouldRead full post »

DECEMBER 17, 2009 8:06AM

How to Make the Taliban Surrender

Instead of sending 30,000 troops, send 30,000 mimes.

  

FedEx them Arabic dessert pastries laced with stool softener and LSD.

  

Make the Taliban fighters into easy targets by airlifting 50,000 of the most colorful Snuggies into the region.

  

Air drop Taliban teenagers celRead full post »

DECEMBER 14, 2009 8:23AM

Why Scrooge Was Right about Christmas

To me, Ebenezer Scrooge is the most charming, loveable and delightfully rotten curmudgeon ever created. His lack of Christmas spirit is utterly refreshing. The sourpuss at the start is so much more entertaining than the transformed Ebenezer, who’s about as interesting as egg nog.

 &nbs… Read full post »
Editor’s Pick
DECEMBER 9, 2009 9:13AM

What I Learned about Pitching Story Ideas in Hollywood

Since most low-level development execs are in their 20s. never utter the title of any movie that was made before they were six years old. If you mention My Man Godfrey, you’ll get no reaction. The upside is that you can pitch the plot of My Man Godfrey and they’ll think it’s/Read full post »

DECEMBER 8, 2009 12:07AM

Your Horror-Scope

Gemini: Saturn is near your third moon, so beware of mechanical problems. One day this month, your GPS will malfunction and you’ll end up in the worst part of town at midnight. Then your car will break down. A heavily armed street gang will approach you. You will frantically dial 911/Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
DECEMBER 3, 2009 8:29AM

Why I Hate Camping: A Glossary

Camping: A form of recreation in which people voluntarily leave the comfort of their homes to emulate the lifestyle of Neanderthal Man. It usually results in insect bites, poison ivy, backaches, and has become an excellent source of income for the motel industry.

  

K.O.A: The acronym for &lRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 30, 2009 8:28AM

Why Writing a Spec Script Will Get You Nowhere

Trying to get somebody in Hollywood to read --- let alone buy --- a spec script is like trying to get somebody with ecoli to eat steak tartare. At any given time, there is such a plethora of screenplays floating around Hollywood that if you piled them all on top ofRead full post »

NOVEMBER 23, 2009 8:30AM

Borscht Belt Memories

What do Woody Allen, Patrick Swayze, Mel Brooks, Rodney Dangerfield, Milton Berle, Don Rickles, Henny Youngman, George Burns and Jerry Lewis all have in common?

  

They all performed in the Borscht Belt, otherwise known as "The Jewish Alps." (Swayze actually filmed "Dirty Dancing"Read full post »