What do Woody Allen, Patrick Swayze, Mel Brooks, Rodney Dangerfield, Milton Berle, Don Rickles, Henny Youngman, George Burns and Jerry Lewis all have in common?

They all performed in the Borscht Belt, otherwise known as "The Jewish Alps." (Swayze actually filmed "Dirty Dancing"… Read full post »

In 1988, the Writers Guild went on strike over a number of issues including –- surprise –- money. The idea was to shut down all film and TV production until our demands were met. 

The Writers Guild had strict strike rules -- no one was allowed to take meetings or… Read full post »

I know it’s a meaningless pleasantry, an empty verbal gesture, a cloying alternative to a simple good-bye, but I may bite the nose off the next person who tells me to enjoy my day. Such an act of violence on my part would definitely compromise that person’s day, but it would&nbs/… Read full post »

I'm not a gambling man by nature, but I’ve decided to put some money into a high stakes wager -- I'm taking out life insurance policies on the most despicable CEOs in the nation. This includes the top executives at Wal-Mart, Blue Cross, Aetna, United HealthCare, AI… Read full post »

Crackers:  The premise: A timid, neurotic, Woody Allen-type psychiatrist is arrested for a minor offense. Because of a bureaucratic error, he ends up handcuffed to a guy named Vito, a mobster with OCD. When Vito escapes, the cuffs are still on so the shrink is forced to go wi/… Read full post »

For starters, this is a true story. None of you would be alive today if it hadn’t been for my wife. You owe her. A nice gift basket will suffice. 

My wife is German, a native of a tiny farm town in Bavaria called Mellrichstadt, a quiet, typically-German hamlet&nb… Read full post »

Late on a foggy winter night in Washington, D.C., two teenagers found an unidentified body, half-buried near the Capitol Building. The victim was male, with the cryptic letters HC RFRM carved into his forehead.  

When he was called by the precinct, Detective Joe Lieberman was e… Read full post »

They don't let you smoke.

The Stairmaster stairs don’t lead anywhere. If they did, I’d take an elevator.

When I get on a bike, I expect to go somewhere.

Ugly, flabby old guys walk around the locker rooms as if they're proud of something.

The… Read full post »

The consensus among the literary establishment is that author Thomas Pynchon is one of the foremost novelists of our time. His books –- Gravity’s Rainbow, V, The Crying of Lot 49 -- are considered by many to be modern classics.

He is also a recluse. Nobody -- with the pos… Read full post »

Littlewillie is bringing Vienna sausages. Alan Nothnagel is bringing bratwurst and potato salad. Kathy Riordan is bringing a “big scoop” of ice cream. Cartouche will not be bringing her father. Sweetfeet is bringing a soufflé from the Dr. Scholl’s Cookbook. Norwonk is bringin/… Read full post »

During my days as a hack screenwriter, this was my favorite story: According to Hollywood lore, when Disney Studios was constructing a new administration building, the Disney execs interfered with the architect’s plans so mercilessly that the poor man decided to quietly take revenge.

As we all know, one of the greatest scourges ever perpetrated on the world is that impenetrable maze known as “customer service.” Clearly, companies put us through this unspeakable hassle on purpose to discourage troubled consumers from bothering them.

Verizon wants you to bu… Read full post »

You’d think that a 25 year-old guy, with a normal testosterone level  (i.e. stratospheric) , would become a drool factory over the prospect of having a Playboy Playmate sitting in his office for an hour or so.

You would be wrong.

There were twelve Playmates a year… Read full post »

For my older daughter’s 3rd birthday we rented a pony named Fred. When making the reservation, I was faxed a contract which, among other things, said I was responsible for the clean-up.  Of course, Fred left behind 2 steaming piles of shit. The sad part was that the largest shovel-lik… Read full post »

The reason I hate emoticons is that they're just plain infantile and so are the people who use them. If you're trying to communicate humor or happiness or sadness, you don't need to express yourself with a conglomeration of sideways parentheses, ampersands and colons. Use your  wo… Read full post »

Except for me, all the living things in my household are decidedly female. In addition to a female wife and two female daughters, the brood includes a neurotic female dog; two goldfish, who I suspect are actually small carp masquerading as goldfish: three gerbils who were supposed to be males, but… Read full post »

Men are more in touch with their feelings

Men need more foreplay and are better at it

Men are able to cry when they’re hurt or upset

Men have more attractive genitalia

Men never turn over and go to sleep after sex

Men are more vulnerable

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In 1974, I worked for Esquire magazine as a fact-checker, hardly the most scintillating job in the known universe, but a foot in the door. I had naively expected that my college degree would land me a reasonable salary, but the Esquire job paid $65 a week which, even in… Read full post »

Did the Limbaughs name their son "Rush" because they took one look at him and decided to leave in a hurry?

Did Dick Cheney have his hand on a disguised copy of The Exorcist when he was sworn in?    

Why doesn’t Sarah Palin wear contacts? Does she think… Read full post »

Why are Republicans still blathering on about Ronald Reagan with the kind of holy reverence that any non-delusional person would reserve for Moses?

It especially galls me when pundits keep uttering this one particularly unnerving mantra: “So-and-so is taking a page from Reagan&rsqu… Read full post »

Why is Alexander Hamilton on a $10 bill, while all Thomas Jefferson gets is a lousy $2 bill? Nobody ever sees $2 bills (at least I don’t), but I see $10 bills all the time. What's with that?

Sure, Jefferson gets a nickel too, but a nickel is five lousy cents. /… Read full post »

Since Prince Charles is next in line to inherit the throne, he probably goes through his entire adult life wishing his mother was dead. That’s got to be tough for a parent. I doubt that Charles even gives her a Mother’s Day gift, but if he does, it’s probably something sharp.… Read full post »

I know that title sounds discouraging, maybe even a little pompous, but I’m just trying to save you a life of pain, rejection and despair. This is an altruistic deed on my part. Take my advice. Don’t write it. Here’s why:

The Dream: You’ve finished your first… Read full post »

Some years ago, I made the mistake of accompanying my wife and two teenage daughters on a shopping trip to Macy’s. I have no idea why they wanted me to come, knowing that the only thing I hate more than shopping is having to watch an episode of “Sex and the… Read full post »

"Sanctity of marriage" is a meaningless phrase concocted by bigots and religious fanatics who are terrified that gay marriage will lead to moral decay, since it says so in the Bible, which it doesn’t. Men, they  say, are supposed to marry women. Period. It’s God’s will.

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