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john blumenthal

john blumenthal
January 05
john_blumenthal (On Twitter)
Curmudgeon. Formidable braggart. Comedy writer. Eight books, 2 movies. Former associate editor at Playboy Magazine. Movies include "Short Time," (major flop), and "Blue Streak" (huge hit, no idea why.) Last three novels were "What's Wrong With Dorfman?" (St. Martin's Press), "Millard Fillmore, Mon Amour," (St. Martin's Press) and "Three and a Half Virgins" (Finalist, International Book Awards.) Latest book -- a spoof of romance novels called "Passing Wind of Love."


Editor’s Pick
SEPTEMBER 10, 2009 10:43AM

Excerpts from Famous Diaries

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Eva Braun 

Tuesday, September 5: This morning I think I finally met Mr. Right. I was cleaning the meat rack when he entered the shop and asked me if we had anything in a knockwurst. I lead him to the sausage section and I could feel his eyes on me. We made some small talk as he squeezed the wursts, but he won me over when he said, “Today a knockwurst, tomorrow a kartoffel salade.” I love a man with ambition.


Monday, June 16: Berchtesgarten is lovely this time of year. Tonight the Himmlers will be over for dinner (I do hope Herr Himmler remembers to remove the laundry cardboard from his shirt this time). I was sehr busy making a strudel when Adolf waltzed in and said something about the conquest of France or something. It hurt my feelings that he did not try the strudel, so I pouted all afternoon.


Wednesday, November 3: I don’t know if I will ever get used to Paraguay. Adolf is no help at all and with all the plastic surgery I hardly recognize him. Also, I am having trouble remembering to call him Pedro.



Pharaoh Ramses II 

Wednesday, November 4: Bad mood all day. Moses came in and turned his staff into a serpent. Like I’ve never seen anybody do that before.


Tuesday, November 8.: Moses again. What have I done to deserve this nuisance? Haven’t I got enough trouble just trying to get these pyramids to look right? Fine, turn the Nile to blood, see if I care.


November 25: Okay, okay, it was probably just a coincidence. Just because it’s red doesn’t mean we can’t drink it or swim in it. Doing laundry is a little tricky, but so what? My son Ramses III came up with a clever solution -- we ignore it. Just proceed with our business as if nothing’s amiss. That kid’s going to make some pharaoh someday!


Monday, December 7: Guess who? This time locusts. I still have a nasty hacking cough from his last little prank.

  Tuesday, February 5: Enough is enough. Fine, you want to schlep through the desert, be my guest. Two more weeks and the last of the pyramids would have been finished. But no, he couldn’t wait, he had to go right away. Now I have to chase him all over creation. Ramses IV suggested I take along some boats just in case. Boats! In the desert! What a crazy kid. 


St. Luke 

Tuesday, April 10,: Supper was superb. Everyone was there -- Jesus, Mark, Judas, John -- the whole gang. Though humble, the cuisine was truly memorable. I had the fruit cup appetizer and, as usual Luke and Mark shared a Caesar Salad. Jesus had no appetizer as he is trying to watch his weight. For some reason, Judas was moody and picked at his food. Even the wine was excellent -- a rare B.C. vintage which was aggressive, but not over-powering. The service was, efficient and courteous, though I pity the poor waiter who had to stand around as we tried to divide up the check between the 12 of us. I was sure Jesus would pick up the tab as he had recently built some bookshelves for a rich Roman patron, but alas he did not


Karl Marx 

Monday, November 5: If this keeps up, Engels will surely drive me mad. The man has no class. Today, he suggests that we “liven” up the book with some cartoons. Cartoons! Here I am, attempting to write a serious political tract and this schnook, this imbecile, is only concerned with sales. What am I to do? Yesterday, the buffoon gave me a list of possible titles, including such selections as “How to Make Communism Work for You,” and “Winning Through Totalitarianism!” Tomorrow he plans to go over the text himself and, in his words, “get some exclamation points in.” If that’s not bad enough, he’s also negotiating a book tour of Russia, of all places.   



Tuesday, April 8: I cannot stop these fantasies I have about older women. Young girls do nothing for me, but show me an older woman and my blood boils. What am I to do?

 Saturday, August 5: I am developing a reputation as a seducer of women. As a result, my friends have taken to calling me “Fast Oeddie.” This afternoon, I joined my friends at the Palace in downtown Thebes, an excellent spot for girl-watching. Not only are the girls nubile, many of them are Nubian as well, and you can’t do better than that.


Monday, November 3: Today there is a great pestilence in the land (So what else is new?) This one involves the Riddle of the Sphinx. Whoever solves it gets to spend the night with the Queen. Am tempted.


Thursday, November 5: Okay, it was a lucky guess, what can I say?


Friday, November 6: The Queen is everything I’ve ever dreamed about and more! Beautiful, sensuous, older. I am deeply in love.


 Saturday, November 7: Got the bad news. Am catching 6:00 o’clock chariot to points unknown.     

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That Judas, so moody.

Thanks for your insight here John. maybe we should have had the transcripts from Joe Wilsons journal from last night too?
If this keeps up, Engels will surely drive me mad. The man has no class. Today, he suggests that we “liven” up the book with some cartoons. Cartoons!

Love this! "The man has no class." You funny.
Very clever and funny! Loved it. Look forward to more of these "insights".
I would love to see your diary. Gotta' be crazy!!
Fast Oeddie! Sorry, John, but I just have to LOL!
So good writing here. So good.
I do call for more, many more.
I am bowing here.
Write more please. Seconds???
This is sheer comic genius. You should continue with these. You had me howling......
Funny. Sounds like you used to be a screenwriter.
Engels and his cartoons... that's so Utopian!!! rAted!
I hope you get your hands across other diaries soon. But only bring out the funny stuff like you did here. Rated
fast oeddie and nubile nubians?? i had to leave the room i was laughing so hard -- like looking at the screen was making it worse! and pedro???

i marvel at what goes on in your brain. +++
Comic genius! More, please.
This is the funniest post I have read on Open Salon. You are a hard act to follow.
This is hilarious! I hope this becomes a regular (weekly?) feature. After all, so many famous diaries to choose from ...
Doubt it, but I could see a show called "Eva and Adolf Redesign Their Bunker."
" Fine, turn the Nile to blood, see if I care."

Sounds almost like a domestic *collapses laughing*
I feel bad for Adolf, he couldn't really pack his sweaters for South America.....
John, a very humorous post and an ingenious idea! Here's a very bad pun for Eva Braun: 'the wurst is yet to come.'
Hey, don't knock wurst. I'm of German descent. You're really a brat.
Word has it Thomas made a mean fruit cup. Hilarious.
I love these! Do more, do more, please...

Just delicious: “Fast Oeddie.” "catching 6:00 o’clock chariot to points unknown."
"Got the bad news." This is fabulous.
too funny! "I am having trouble remembering to call him Pedro." -- my computer is crapping out on me today & I couldn't get to sleep last night. Thanks for the laugh! (I feel much better now...)
You're such a crack up!
"fast Oeddie"

J.B. - You're even funnier than you think. Rated.
That's why Luke is the patron saint of restaurant critics.

You've outdone yourself, John.
Thanks for all the wonderful kudos guys. I was starting to think I wasn't funny anymore, although I still laugh when I look at myself in the mirror every morning. Or cry.
So many gems here--thanks for another great read.
You really know how to bring history to life. learn something new everyday!
oh my god, i don't even know where to start. this is brilliantly funny!! i love that several of them sounded jewish. god, i miss my people here in white bland oregon. i loved it all, but i especially loved the pharoah talking abotu moses. my favorite greeting card, that i stupidly gave to a gentile, has moses, having parted the red sea and standing in the middle of the parting, saying to the reluctant Jews on the beach, "what do you mean it's a little bit muddy?" god, i love my people. thank you for the big laughs. oh, and i wrote a little bit for you in my comment on your comment, in teh way i used to talk. love love love and gratitude!!
Jesus with the fruit cup could have benefitted from Guido Sarducci's Last Supper advice: "Big meal where there's one check, you want to order the most expensive entree."
Where ever did you get these? At a rare books store? Amazon!
John, you are too much.
Made 'em up Trudge. My tiny brain actually works sometimes.
If Ramses had only known that thousands of years later there were going to be condoms baring his name..... this is the funniest stuff I have read of yours yet, blumenthal. I O'Really like this.
You can call me John. I would prefer "Your Excellency," but John will do for now.
Cool idea, John. Much fun to read!
i can't believe that you didn't respond to my Moses/red sea joke after i wrote in longshoreman for you! lvoe lvoe lvoe
Sorry Theodora. The joke is so obviously hysterical that I didn't think a response was required. It's so typically... Jewish. Like, forget it, we're not crossing, we didn't bring the right shoes. Ha!
Very clever and funny. I imagined Bob Newhart reading it aloud.
a perfect OS nightcap!
OMG JB, you ought to be a writer! :-D

Those are some interesting finds you made there. Haha

I'm just wondering about that 'rare B.C. vintage.' British Columbian, I take it. :) Funny stuff, John.
Sorry Kathy. BC is "Before Cabdernet." It hadn't been invented yet.
Loved St. Luke's Supper but no mention of the waitress, still very funny.
This could be a regular feature for you. Like bobbot, I would love to see Joe Wilson's journal or Serena William's or Kanya West.
Fast Oeddie - if that' s not a perfect name for a band, I don't know what is.

This is the funniest, most entertaining post I've read in a while. Well worth reading. I think my life has been changed forever.
Who are you--My ex-boyfriend? Nubile Nubian, that was his nickname for me.