The Best Advice On Writing a First Novel: Don't.
I know that title sounds discouraging, maybe even a little pompous, but I’m just trying to save you a life of pain, rejection and despair. This is an altruistic deed on my part. Take my advice. Don’t write it. Here’s why:
The Dream: You’ve finished your first novel. You've put your heart and soul into it. It's really good. Now what?
You Google “literary agents.” You find one with an aggressive-sounding name and send him the manuscript. By some miracle, your novel actually snakes its way through the lower ranks of assistants and gets to the agent himself, let’s call him Marty. Marty loves it and sends it out. Five publishers are crazy for it. They each bid on it and you end up with a $1,000,000 advance.
The book gets rave reviews (They call you the new: a) Dickens, b) Mark Twain, c) Salinger.) The novel hits the bestseller list. Oprah selects it. You go on a book tour. Marty negotiates $2,000,000 for film rights. You are flown out to Hollywood. You are wined and dined. You write the script. The movie is made. It makes a fortune. You are nominated for an Academy Award. Scarlett Johansson is your date. She’s not wearing much (If you’re a woman, it’s Johnny Depp. He’s dressed like a pirate.) You win the Oscar. It’s a dream come true.
What are the odds of this happening? Let me put it this way: Somebody always wins the lottery.
The Reality: You’ve written your first novel. You've put your heart and soul into it. It's really good. Now what?
You Google “literary agents.” You find one and send him the manuscript. His name is Marty. (All agents are named Marty, except for the ones that aren’t.) Your hopes are high. Six months later you get an unsigned rejection letter.
You see this as a minor setback. You tell yourself: So what if one schmuck didn’t like it? He’ll be kicking himself when the novel's on the bestseller list. Ha! Undeterred, you send it to 20 other agents. Six months later, your mailbox is stuffed with 20 more form-letter rejections.
Now you decide to take matters into your own hands and go straight to publishers. Screw the agents. You buy a copy of Writer’s Market. You find lots of listings of publishing houses and the names of their fiction editors. You send the novel to 10 of them.
Your hopes are high. It takes six months, but then you receive 10 more unsigned rejection letters. Now, you’re depressed for five months. The grand literary career you’ve dreamed of for years has gone up in smoke. You give up, put the novel in the drawer and wisely decide to keep your day job.
(Note: The Dreamer lived The Dream, but you got exactly the same treatment that 99.9% of all first novelists get: You sent a manuscript to some agents and publishers. It was read by unpaid interns who majored in Russian Literature, or assistant’s assistants trying to break into publishing. The readers found reasons not to like your novel. It was never read by an actual agent or an actual editor. If you included a S.A.S.E, then your manuscript was returned. If not, it was shredded.)
The Reasons: God only knows how many first novels are submitted to, and rejected by publishers every year. Probably thousands. And thousands more are rejected by agents, and never even make it to an intern’s inbox.
Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that 2000 novels are published every year by mainstream publishers such as Knopf, Simon & Schuster, and Random House etc. Obviously, most of them are books written by the big moneymakers -- James Patterson, Dan Brown, Stephen King, Mary Higgins Clarke, John Grisham, to name just a few.
But occasionally, an editorial board will temporarily lose its mind and take a chance on a first novel. If you miraculously manage to sell one, here’s what will happen 99.9% of the time: Your advance will be under $10,000. There will be no publicity, no tours, maybe a few reviews, if you’re lucky. Your novel will probably not be FOS (Front of Store) because publishers have to pay for that, at least at Barnes & Noble. It will disappear in the racks, thus D.O.A. It will sell 2000 copies, depending on how large your family is.
Marty will dump you like a hot potato. Thanks to BookScan, everybody in the publishing business will know how badly your book fared. You are now the literary equivalent of swine flu.
Point of interest #1: You will find the following listing interesting and depressing at the same time. Some years ago, Publishers’ Weekly published a list of the bestselling fiction genres in descending order of sales. Here’s what I recall:
1. Christian literature (I kid you not.)
2. Romance Novels (I don’t mean love stories. I mean “Her breasts strained against the fabric of her blouse” romance novels. They say that romance novels sell 5 times more copies than the following genres put together.)
3. Mysteries and Thrillers
4. Chicklit
5. "Literary" Novels and Historical Fiction
6. Short story collections and comic novels
7. Poetry
Interesting, but unfortunately, this doesn’t mean that it’s easier to sell thrillers than it is to sell Chicklit. More people are writing thrillers than Chicklit, so the competition is just as stiff.
Point of Interest #2: If you're a woman and you're writing for a female audience, your chances of success are better. Not much better. But better. Women read more books than men. Nonfiction is also easier to sell.
Back to Square One: Why would I have the gall to discourage you from writing a novel? Because I'm a compassionate fellow, and I'd hate to see you go through this hellish nightmare. I've been there. My advice? Preempt the torture. Have a glass of champagne and barbecue a copy of "The Da Vinci Code."
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Comments
**Love this: "If you're a woman, it's Johnny Depp. He's dressed as a pirate."** Good stuff!
Rated.
:-D
Yeah, it is a lottery unless you have massive talent. Even then, it's a crap shoot.
Wonderfully written and insightful.
I just burned my manuscript.
RATED
I'm reading a pretty funny book that cooly deconstructs this process, about a writer who wanted to be a best-selling novelist. It's called, not too surprisingly: "How I Became a Famous Novelist" (Steve Hely).
I'm just sayin'.
And to think my wife wants me to write my book! (Hollow laughter)
Still, maybe some writers just write because they feel passionate about it and not because they want it to make them rich and famous. I think many authors are underappreciated in their lifetime only to be more remembered after their deaths than the likes of Brown, King, and Partterson simply because they stood out. rated
I know a really talented woman who has written several books and also has years of journalism experience
now she is broke and discouraged and getting older
but read the recent post on self-publishing, I thought it was pretty encouraging.
We all need a reality essay to break the spell sometimes.
Thanks for the advice John!
As for the coincidence. It happens a lot. I't happened to me twice. I wrote a "Liar, Liar"-type script called "Nothing but the Truth" on assignment for a studio and the same studio came out with the movie Liar Liar -- unfortunately not mine. Can't sue
'em unless you want to bite the hand that feeds you.
Then again, I never could plot for shit, so I haven't even begun to have the Novel Delusion.
Much.
At the same time failing at getting a novel published does at least get rid of that niggling voice that tells you your life would be better if you'd become a novelist.
At last I see the truth. My father was indeed always right when he said to me, often, "C, do you know what the best-selling poet in America made last year? $5,000. Don't be a poet. Be a nurse. Or a teacher. Don't be a poet."
Dad was so smart.
But one thing that I've found really interesting lately. I have become a total fan of James Lee Burke the last few months--a "mystery"/crime writer who is also incredibly literate.
What's interesting is that he received 110 rejections prior to the publication of his first novel.
You're right and what's even more amazing John is that you've had more than a modicum of success in publishing.
BTW, it is really good.
Joseph Boyden--his first published novel (I think it was the second one he wrote; the first was, in his own words, "a steaming pile of moose shit"), "Three Day Road," got picked for the Today show's book club. His second, "Through Black Spruce," won some big prize up in Canada (Joseph's Canadian). He makes the biggest part of his living teaching college at the University of New Orleans, where they can't even afford toilet paper for the restrooms.
Amanda Boyden--Her first novel, "Pretty Little Dirty," got recommended by Glamour magazine as a great beach read. Her second, "Babylon Rolling," got recommended by The Onion. Both sold pretty well and were pretty well critically received. She, like her husband, makes her living teaching English at UNO.
Bill Loehfelm--His debut "Fresh Kills" won the Amazon.com breakthrough novel award, which got him $25,000 and a publishing contract. Reviews of "Fresh Kills" were mixed, reviews of his second novel "Bloodroot" were much better. Then as now, he makes his living tending bar.
Barb Johnson--Her short story collection "More of this World or Maybe Another" is due out from Harper Collins next month. I don't know what the itinerary for her glamourous publicity tour is, but part of it includes staying on a friend's couch when/if she makes it up to Seattle to read in a bookstore there, and another part includes buying me a drink as payment for filming her read, adding some introductions, and posting it to her website. She's a carpenter by trade.
Lish McBride--is in the land of copyeditors with her young-adult novel. I think that she slings coffee in the few hours a day her five-year-old son is in school. Her partner and the boy's father is I think the main breadwinner in their household. He's a tattoo artist.
So I guess the lesson I take from this is don't plan on quitting your day job.
Sincerely, there must be something that I dont get. And I dont mind being told so. And I mean this respectfully, because I clearly dont get it. But is this a form of humor? If you say it is, I'll freely admit that it is over my head. But I have seen you write several things, all seemingly with the "give up" theme. First, Obama will likely "have to resign". Then, "dont think out of the box. what has it gotten us." Now, dont attempt that first novel because the odds are against you." I dont doubt your facts. I know you're experienced and accomplished. I admire than. Many do, and they should. But resign, retreat, and retire as advice?
The most dangerous thing an American does every day is take a shower. There is a one in 600 chance of fatality. Getting into a moving car profoundly increases your chances of being in an accident. Eating food vastly increases your chances of choking. Being in love increases your chance of heartbreak. Looking at flowers increases your chance of being stung by a bee. What the hell? If salmon looked at the odds, we would never have salmon. The quality of a good, rewarding life is more than kneeling to improbable odds.
I actually know someone who was in love, ate salmon in the shower and choked after getting stung by a bee, but he didn't get his novel published.
And do you have to pay back the advance if your first novel does not meet sales expectations?
Being a woman will make it a bit easier for you. Good luck. I hope you prove me wrong.
But seriously, promotion is the name of the game, but don't expect publishers to do much. You have to get out there and do it yourself. Using the Net can help a lot.
As for advances -- no, you don't have to refund them if the book doesn't sell.
I tell my students this all the time: if they are writing because they think it's going to make them rich and famous, they're delusional. If they write because they can't imagine doing anything else, because they feel driven, because they notice the world around them, because they find beauty in words, write away.
Writers write.
So, writers, there is hope, you just have to know what publishers find interesting.
Oh, and I bought your book too. Groundswell!
Lorraine: I write because I have to as well. But I need readers. I need reviews. Etc. Some do, some don't.
I can say this because I have composed 4 symphonies, and 2 concertos. I made the effort because I had ideas which refused to stay quietly inside me. In the end, that's the only good reason to do it.
There's a sucker born every minute - P.T. Barnum
That's why my plan it's sooo brilliant. I'm NOT going to write a first novel, instead I'll just jump ahead to the fifth. Then I'll go back and write the first four after I'm rich and famous. Or maybe not rich, but famous. Ok, maybe not famous, but I'll have a book to throw at the repo man when he comes over.
Maybe my odds of getting published would improve if I included some underage sex.........go figure. Sex sells? Who knew?
(I posted a brief excerpt from the book on Open Salon, called "People Who Should Never Come to Mexico.")
But seriously, I typically read popular fiction and most of it sucks! I usually end up shaking my head wondering why such mediocre stuff gets published at all. Seriously - John Grisham at this point is just phoning it in. I picked up one of his recent novels at the airport recently and .... eh, I can't even remember the name of it or anything about it a month later, except that I got the distinct impression that he wrote it in a month!
The romance novel writers I know usually take at least 3 to get published and often start out e-pubbed (which means they may not sell more than 100 copies, or sometimes less than 10 (I mean really, you give your friends free copies)). They don't make a living at it, but few of them do it as a primary job.
The trick is to improve your craft, not to think you have a gift. And yeah, that requires work. But when you think about it, so do most professions. You don't stroll into much other than Retail and burger flipping without some study. Look at the first few novels as study.
But, hey, if I thought I lived on the same continent, I'd be happy to show up at your Da Vinci roast.
http://open.salon.com/blog/caroline_hagood/2009/09/28/the_best_advice_on_writing_a_first_novel_do
It was a dark and stormy night, just like those ones in the movies where people get scared by branches scraping against the house and shadows that look like something scary but are really something normal, and where the phone is dead and when they check the doors and windows they find one open when they were sure they locked it, and when they finally come back to the dark room where they’re watching a scary movie they find that something isn’t where they left it or that their boyfriend is dead - it was like that.
or..
It was a dark and stormy night, and as the horde of zombies feasted on the flesh of the unlucky campers, Dirk, blood dripping from his rotting maw, pondered the irony in the fact that whilst among the living he had been a vegetarian.
I've written for money in the past and it's a very mixed blessing. Yes, you get paid, but you also have to compromise your writing to meet the demands of the marketplace. When you write without any expectations of getting paid, you can stay true to your vision.
I think I'll scrap all my ideas about historical novels and just write a fluff piece about a Christian literature publisher who, in the tradition of all great Christian leaders, has a passionate love affair with the number one Romance Novelist and gets caught in a tangled web of mystery and intrigue.
Like Joni Mitchell's song "You Turn Me On, I'm a Radio" which she reportedly wrote as an experiment in how to get your songs played on FM.
Funny piece, btw.
I'm considering seriously self publishing and schlepping the books to every temple and ma jong group between here and tel aviv. But then I get tired thinking about it. Oh lord, what to do? Everything you say is true...I've heard the you have to promote yourself rumors. Women seem to love my blog www.gonepausal.com so I'm kinda/really determined to sell the book....cheap.
As for the da vinici code barbeque, i'm with you. i never read it and feel much more strongly about eating it than reading it.
Following that advice, I self-published my first novel, sparing everyone the trouble.
The unsigned rejections that made me really laugh were the ones obviously cut from a larger sheet which had been xeroxed over, and over and over so many generations that there were little dots all over and the words were sort of speckly.
No, seriously - I think the best way to go these days is to put some of it on line, get a fan-base, find some people (other writers, maybe?) who will give you honest and detached feedback, get a good and old-fashioned editor, even if you have to hire someone - learn a bit about formatting and lay-out, and go with a POD firm. You know you'll have to do the marketing yourself anyway. Think about who you think will want to read your book, and go where they congregate. Think about how to scrounge reviews, and scope out opportunities for your own events and appearances.
You probably won't be able to live entirely off royalties for your books - but at least you have the satisfaction of being an author, and making the acquaintance of readers who will love your book. Or books. But honestly, it's more fun this way, than simmering over how many worse writers could still get published by the big houses, and anxiously watching the mailbox for another round of rejection notices.
As I said, I'm working on the sixth and seventh, and I wouldn't have done it any other way than I have ... well, maybe held off the release date for the first novel in order to scrounge more pre-release reviews. But nothing much other than that.
To wit: I attended a sales conference once ... 30 years ago ... three speakers. The first two offered about twenty minutes of "sage" advice, based on their personal successes. I don't remember a word. The third .. the oldest ... walked to the mike, cleared his throat, and said, "See the people, see the people, see the people," and sat down. I remember it verbatum ... and also his point; If you throw enough shit on the wall, some of it has to stick. Persistant determination is THE key. And writers: Think of all the actors out there who read and read and read for parts, suffering rejection after rejection. The ones who make it are the ones who can take the rejection and not quit! Bill Beck is right (see above)!
Search *Randy Wayne White* a friend of mine, former news columnist, fishing guide and very successful writer (17 Doc Ford mystery novels ... last was 7 on NYT Fiction list last March. His "Wiki" listing tells his path.
And here is the list of mostly non-arithmetical observations about mainstream publishing that these occasions have led me to compile. It is written primarily from the point of view of a medium- or senior-level acquisitions editor at a major trade house in New York City, the center of the publishing world. It applies principally to the publication of original hardcover books... These ideas are drawn from publishing as it stands -- maybe I should say "stumbles" --right now; many of them may well not obtain when electronic-book-text digitization begins in earnest. That will happen in a financially and organizationally seismic way very quickly, I think -- over the next decade --but I believe that this impending Gutenberg-level shift in reading culture, along with the economic disasters of the last two years, render the challenges of present-day hard-copy publishing all the more agonizing, immediate, and dramatic. At least in the abstract, and especially in this economic climate, most other professions pose some of the same problems for those who pursue them, no doubt. But the tectonically opposing demands on publishing -- that it simultaneously make money and serve the tradition of literature -- and its highly unpredictable outcomes and its prominence in the attention of the media have made it a kind of poster adult for capitalism and the arts in crisis.
Also: Usually, writers, like anyone else who performs in public and desires wide recognition, no matter how successful they become, have an unslakeable thirst for attention and approval -- in my opinion (and, I'm embarrassed to say, in my own case) usually left over from some early-childhood deficit or perception of deficit in the attention-and-approval department. You will frequently find yourself serving as an emotional valet to the people you work with.
(but for many, it's too late)
rated for good, solid advice, and, humor.
John, this reminds me of a chapter out of James Frey's (yes, I said James Frey) latest book...a chapter devoted to the statistics involved in the odds of making it in Hollywood. Sometimes, reality bites but you say it in a way that makes it palatable.
I am a fiction writer. Have been for a long time. I'm not trying to be, or thinking about being one. I am a writer. I have no choice. I must write--the alternative would be serial killing, and that isn't very nice.
I write for myself. When a story turns out well, I send it off to a few places and if it is any good it gets published.
If everyone who writes in order to be famous and rich would just stop, there would be smaller slush piles for publishers to read. Then maybe the turnaround time would not be six months. But the fantasy is powerful, so I don't expect that to happen.
Meanwhile, I write. I get published, or not. You see, being a writer is all about WRITING. All the other stuff is a dream, fluff, magic. Very few people want to spend their days actually writing. But "being a writer" sounds like fun.
Thanks for pointing out the reality of the life. It is a big commitment, and it pays far less than most Americans are willing to accept.
November is National Novel-Writing Month. Write 50k words in 30 days. Just saying. nanowrimo.org
Discouragng as this post may be, I don't want to stop anyone who's intent on getting published. A large portion of the piece is about how publishers will ignore you once you do get published, and that rankles me the most. Promises broken.
My last novel had some buzz at the publishing house (St. Martin's Press) and they were going to give a tour, advertising, FOS -- the whole ball of wax. When the book was published it went right to the racks. DOA.
So maybe I'm a little bitter about it.
I've also self-published, hoping that a mainstream house would pick up the book. It took a year, but it happened. I got lucky.
And for those who asked about screenwriting -- it's even harder than getting a book published. Everybody seems to be writing a script, at least in LA. Your doctor, your mechanic, your plumber... . Or people tell me they have great ideas for a movie or a TV show. Usually those ideas are just premises, not stories.
As for the dream. It was my dream. May not be yours.
I am not talking about the prospective subject of a book. John wasn't talking about writing books that say "everything is futile." That was merely his thesis. Your comment seems to state that I think statements should be inspirational. That could not be further from the truth. My comment is, if that advice were widely followed, nothing would ever be attempted. It's not about whether it's easy or likely. "Give up" is a shitty message. "Give up" is the message underlying all bullies and oppressors. Courage is the most important virtue of all the virtues because it makes opportunity for all of the virtues. Fuck inspiration, Euthanize Eeyore!
BTW, thanks for the funny harsh reality.
Scarlett and I have a special relationship. I think about her a lot and she doesn't know I exist. Like I said, special relationship.
The best literature in America isn't coming from the big houses in New York, and hasn't for at least twenty five years. It's published by mid-sized, regional and university presses which are accessible to talented writers who don't have agents, who aren't young and pretty enough to attract the attentions of New York.
I've published three books --a short story collection and two novels-- with one of those regional presses, and couldn't be happier. Friends who've gone the other route tell me my editor is far more supportive than what they've found at the large houses. My books stay in print (and on the shelves) longer than theirs do, and I'm confident I've made as much money as I would have going in the other direction.
Running after literary fame and fortune is a fool's chase; "being a writer" with books in print and a significant audience lies much closer to home than your essay would have wanna-authors believe.
http://open.salon.com/blog/jonmagee/2009/06/02/paperback_writer_the_beatles_the_omnibus_edition
Cathleen Hulbert
http://likethedew.com/2009/09/25/the-courage-to-publish-independently/
I would just tack on a post-script to your essay, Mr. Blumenthal, that advises would-be novelists to try to avoid going to law school following that first round of rejection letters. It is like getting married while still on the rebound, only more painful and expensive.
I would just tack on a post-script to your essay, Mr. Blumenthal, that advises would-be novelists to try to avoid going to law school following that first round of rejection letters. It is like getting married while still on the rebound, only more painful and expensive.
In fact, I am in the Self-Publishing Hall of Fame. (no joke).
Some writers are happy with the self-publishing experience. To me it wasn't enough. There are thousands of self-pubbed books out there, but if anybody can do it, what does it mean exactly? I need the professional affirmation. Maybe you don't. I need to say that I had a book published, not that I published a book.
Anyway, having been one first to market and sell a self-pubbed book on the Net, I'm well aware of the pros and cons, not to mention the how to's. If you need to know any tricks of the trade, I'll be happy to try to answer them.
Second, law school is not the worst idea. Grisham's a lawyer (I think he's a full-time writer now.) William Carlos Williams was an MD, as was Michael Crichton. Wallace Stephens sold insurance. So, you never know.
As it turns out Granddaddy was right. But I became a writer anyway. Mostly because I get to hang around the house all day in flip-flops and shorts while my neighbors are cinching up their ties and polishing their shoes at the office.
My first novel tanked. Which puts me in pretty good company as I see it. But it opened a lot of doors that were closed before.
I may not write the next great American novel (or then again, I may - it depends what kind of mood I'm in), but I have the luxury of being able to write every day. I keep food on the table, even if the 401K is a little weak. So are the neighbor's at this point.
I'd say I made a good choice. Even if that first novel does remain stuck on the shelf as if Billy Mays glued it there as his last great act of salesmanship. Perhaps in the rear view mirror of time my genius will be discovered. At least then my kids (or grandkids) can benefit financially from my tendency to write, and rewrite, and rewrite, and rewrite...
I'll be moving on to solving the issue of peace in the middle east.
My problem is, outside of technical writing work, I appear to have an attention span that is precisely one blog post long. Any longer than that, and I break out in skin rashes, or something. It's pathetic. My first novel has stalled on on page 117--back in the early 90s.
For now, I'm stickin' to bloggin'.
I think he must have something going on there - because my failing as a writer was that I would get bored at a certain point and wander away, leaving something half-finished. Regular blogging put me in a more productive mind-set, that it was my job to sit down at the computer and produce so many words, every day, without fail.
Rated
Great post. Didn't discourage me one bit. But I am a perpetual optimist
As a sometime writer of short, speculative fiction for many years under many names, I have concluded that there is one, or perhaps two novels in my future. I write for the joy and the idea that if one other person thinks, then I have found success.
To write for profit is a fool's game. If it comes, it does so for no logical or objective reason I can fathom. A person doesn't need a degree in literature to understand that most of what is published is trash, or that the people who evaluate literature do so with rules hundreds of years out of date and who cannot even begin to understand creativity.
If 500 or 50,000 people read my work, I don't care. I do it because I must, and never for money.
On Meeting An Agent (Episodes 1 to 5 of 8)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkxdALqPkYM
On Meeting An Agent (Episodes 6 to 8 of 8)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dumQ3dhl4aU
Rated.
What do I do?
I am finishing the next book right now.
I think you Americans are much too spoiled. At least you have the lottery and the Dream to dream. What we have is a half-fanzine market with a few writers (less then you can count on fingers) that can support themselves, I am not talking about being rich. I still write, because I think I was born to write. I know that sounds pretentious, but still, whatever. At least I've got a chance to publish, because while I was growing up, socialism happen to fell and printing paper stopped being rationed, together with disappearance of cenzorship. Yay lucky! ^^
Think more about the books. How little wonders they are. Like when you were small and sitting in the library. And not about your egos.
I discourage novel writing because the process itself is so brutal. I always send my condolences.
I work at an independent bookstore and the quality of book has gone so far down hill someone needs to be ready and waiting in the wings to revive our industry with a very good read.