They don't let you smoke.
The Stairmaster stairs don’t lead anywhere. If they did, I’d take an elevator.
When I get on a bike, I expect to go somewhere.
Ugly, flabby old guys walk around the locker rooms as if they're proud of something.
They don’t sell Twinkies in the club restaurant.
To get muscles from the weights, you have to lift them.
The noises women make when they lift weights reminds me of sex.
I’ll never have sex with the women who make those noises.
They have too many mirrors, so you can’t avoid looking at that mass of drooping flesh that was once your body.
Most of the women can beat me at arm wrestling and none of them wants to play Scrabble
The TV channels are always turned to Fox News
Treadmills make more sense for hamsters.
I look ridiculous in sleeveless T-shirts.
I always seem to end up with a used towel.
They don’t allow you to wear blue jeans.
I always forget my locker combination.
Taking showers with other naked guys reminds me too much of an organization I’ve been trying to avoid all my life –- the military.
I get the feeling people are laughing at me behind my back.
Since I can’t figure out the digital controls on a treadmill, getting off is more like being launched
Even if I get buff and healthy, there’s no guarantee that I won’t get hit by a truck on my way home.
If you don’t go at least 3 times a week, your muscles get flabby. Mine are already flabby, so what’s the point?
Who knows what kind of germs are prospering on the weight machine handles?
The dimwitted guy spotting me always seems to be having a long conversation with a woman who thinks he’s intellectually stimulating.
Physically fit people think they’ll always be healthy because they work out. Cancer doesn’t give a shit.
Heavy breathing should be reserved exclusively for sex.
Lying on your back on a huge colorful ball looks ridiculous.
Yoga is bullshit.
People who work out five days a week because it keeps them in a happy mood should take Prozac instead.
Everybody else there seems to know each other, which makes me feel like I just transferred to another high school.
If my forearms get too massive, I’d have to buy another watch band.
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and the treadmill is a frightening thing. seen many a folk tossed off the back of it when doing dumb things like answering a phone or reading a book and dropping the bookmark.....
and not one gym allows L&P to use the treadmills next to me....even if they have a legitimate membership....
great post, John.
rated:)
Your choice or theirs?
"The TV channels are always turned to Fox News"
That's because barbells must be fair and balanced
I managed a Nautilus Fitness Center for five years, and the walls were lined with mirrors --begging the question I want to ask fitness fanatics: If it's all about health, why all the mirrors?
But what are you doing in a gym? You live in CALIFORNIA--beautiful hills to hike, beaches to run/walk on. . . so many possibilities. Even in NY I run outside all year long--wouldn't be caught dead in a gym--they're just so depressing (but good for writing material). And when you're outside you can focus on the leaves, birds, clouds, waves--there are no mirrors to magnify the flab!
Maybe they keep it on FOX because no matter which side of the fence you're on, your blood pressure will go up and you'll get a good cardio workout, too.
And when are health clubs going to be paid for by Blue Cross? Duh.
R~~
Rated hilarious.
Rated.
RATED FOR TRUTH JUSTICE and THE AMERICAN GERM!
Rated.
Then we can have a few twinkies and watch the nuts run around.
...assuming you ever got me in
haven't seen a gym near me yet that didn't have a parking lot, but had a bike rack
"Elliptical machines do not move in elliptical orbits, but rather trace Bernoullian lemniscates (r2 = a2cos(2θ).) Take that, Mr Smarty Pants!"
Doesn't that make these machines hippopedes? Based on some of the organisms that I have seen laboring I suggest it is a more elegant, if not as technically precise descriptor.
Just sayin', as they say.
Rated for making me hungry.
I hear that. I'm surprised I didn't bump into you on Wiki. I had to look up Bernoulli. I thought it was some kind of Italian soup. Then I saw "hippopede" and the rest, as they say, is mystery.
Great stuff here on the "Scoop John B."
Remember him. Wrote this blog.
I am, as always, in awe of your raw talent. Please send me a private message if you would like some help cultivating your gift and refining you rawness. ;)
I do apoligize. It seems that you have been mentioned repeatedly in my comments section yet again. I hope that, despite your flabby arms and weakling state, you are strong enough to shoulder this much hero worship.
With A Whole Lot of Shock and Awe,
Hope
XOXOXO
Very well played, John.
Rated.
And, you might think that people may be laughing behind your back at the gym, blumenthal, but I can promise you they are NOT doing that here. They're doing it right in front of you! Me, too! ;) O'Really Good.
Wouldn't the converse of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle be Lieberman's Unprincipled Certainty, or is that just a corollary.
Gyms are for pussies.
"The noises women make when they lift weights reminds me of sex."
and I laughed.
Read the second one...
"I’ll never have sex with the women who make those noises."
and I laughed my a** off.
I like it when women grunt with/without sex.
Rate
Dr. Amy takes on God !
Film at eleven.
. . .and now back to our show.
Sometimes you just have to trust that wine and pasta will lead to redemption.
This is true. Now WHY?
so what do you do for exercise other than fingers on the keyboard ? They are well used I can see. well done sir... well done. Rtd indeed.
actually, that contradicts the scientific evidence.
but I dont want to parade on your rain, so to speak :p
HOT BUFF CHICKS IN LEOTARDS
:p
But I agree with you, point by point ... cept one:
You say, "Taking showers with other naked guys reminds me too much of an organization I’ve been trying to avoid all my life –- the military." For me, it is prison. Outside of that, I'd say I'm completely in tune wth you, and would have never considered a gym until I read that Cat feeding lady say there were pussies there. Now, I have to reconsider.
@ Lady Mike: You said, "Yoga is more enjoyable if you do it naked!" I thought that was Twister.
{{{R}}}
Which reminds me of the old joke:
Guy #1: Do you know what sound a woman makes when she's totally satisfied?
Guy #2: No.
Guy #1: Hmm--I guess I'm not surprised.
And I bet you thought it was a typo. Hah!
"The TV channels are always turned to Fox News."
This was the case at my former club and they were an advertiser with my publication. EVERY damn TV was either Fox Snooze or ESPN. ESPN I like, but I talked to the GM and told him that even though we live in the middle of Red State Hell here that some people may want to learn "actual news". He made sure to have Fox, MSNBC and CNN on one of each from there forward with CC'ing. The power of communication...
Love the watch band line, that's actually happened before!
par exemple: "What I gotta do.....?" LOL!
Anyhoo........funny!
*rated*
http://www.cancer.org/docroot/PED/ped_3_1x_ACS_Guidelines.asp?sitearea=PED
but thanks for this post, I was going to blow off the gym today but after reading your very humorous blog, I decided to go...I love having discussions with dimwitted, muscular men...and some of us muscleheads even play scrabble when we aren't moving iron...
Plus, it causes H1N1, as everyone knows.