Crackers: The premise: A timid, neurotic, Woody Allen-type psychiatrist is arrested for a minor offense. Because of a bureaucratic error, he ends up handcuffed to a guy named Vito, a mobster with OCD. When Vito escapes, the cuffs are still on so the shrink is forced to go with him.
I know, I know, it’s a rip-off of The Defiant Ones, but ours was a comedy (I think) involving two white guys, and had absolutely no redeeming social value.
It was mainly a road picture, but I’ve forgotten what the desitination was and why they were going there. Makes no difference anyway –- road pictures are basically all the same. Point A to Point B. Yawn.
Along the way, the shrink (predictably) analyzes the mob guy and helps to relieve his OCD, resulting in hilarity and hijinks. Optioned by a moron with family money, and about as much Hollywood clout as a radish.
Chumps: The premise: Two guys find out they’re married to the same woman. One is Arnold Schwarzenegger, the other is Dudley Moore. (Yes, I know that sounds like Twins, but that was the point. The studio was looking for another vehicle –- no matter how moronic -- to get a big guy and a little guy to do something idiotic together. Needless to say, they smelled money in it.)
Predictably, the two male protagonists decide to find out why the woman married both of them. Hilarity and hijinks ensue during their fun-filled quest to solve the mystery.
But the script didn’t work because we couldn’t come up with a convincing reason why the woman married both of them, which was kind of the main plot point. The script probably ended up as a Yule log. Pitched and bought by Sony/Columbia. There’s no accounting for taste.
Kickov: This was a Cold War-era comedy, written circa 1977, although the word comedy might have been a stretch. The plot was about as dumb as they get –- the Russians suddenly have a football team (no explanation as to why or how) and challenge an American amateur team to a game. Hilarity and hijinks ensue.
The Americans get drunk on vodka, show up late for the match, break some bones, yadda, yadda, yadda, but guess who comes from behind and wins? Not worth the brads that held the script together. Optioned by a cheap wannabe producer.
Breakfast with Spaulding: This was actually a rewrite of a script purchased by Warner Bros. The premise: A dysfunctional family becomes functional again via the wisdom of a canine (Spaulding) that speaks. (Actually, no one could really decide whether the dog spoke or if the audience just heard his thoughts. Either way, it was doggie poop.)
It had its moments though –- looking at life through the eyes of a dog was kind of interesting. My writing partner and I tried to imagine what it would be like to wander the streets on all fours, licking our genitals, eating sidewalk rubbish and sniffing asses. (Actually, it was Hollywood, so we were mainly kissing asses.)
But this dog didn’t hunt. The producer let his flunkies know he hated it -- but in a subtle way. We were told he urinated on it, but I have my doubts.
Iranoff and Kopalski Are Lost. Another Cold War-era comedy, this piece of drivel was about two comical Soviet cosmonauts who accidentally land in the Gulf of Mexico instead of their target point -- the Bering Sea -- and must pose as tourists in order to travel unnoticed across the U.S. to Alaska where they hope to be rescued by the KGB.
In the meantime, the FBI gets wind of them and gives chase. A big part of the “humor” came from their mangling of the English language. Hilarity and hijinks ensue as the two bumbling Ruskies try to comprehend American culture, if such an animal exists.
Interestingly, my agent wanted to cast Arnold Schwarzenegger (his client) and Dudley Moore (not his client) as the two cosmonauts, and he didn’t seem to care about Arnold’s thick Austrian accent or Dudley’s effete British one. “An accent is an accent,” he told me. “Who’s gonna know the difference?”
But this was 1979 and Arnold wasn’t famous yet, so the studios said nyet. Optioned by a producer who kept forgetting how to pronounce the title.
PS: I’m leaving out the two scripts that actually got made because the money far outweighed the shame.
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Comments
Somehow, I don't believe the part about you and your partner "imagining" it. Didn't you just write about what it was really like? (Exits room looking for really bad titles)
R~
R
I'd love to know what the ones that did get made were and whether I saw them.
Uh huh, sure...
What's scary is the least imaginative of those five is a damn sight more interesting than 90 percent of what's coming out now.
John, you have a gift for turning humiliation into OS gold.
;-)
At first I thought you were talking about Spaulding Grey and that wouldn't be a comedy with a happy ending,. I was so relieved to learn it was a dog, hopefully not harmed in the making of the motion picture. Oh, that's right. The fine print tells us these fine cinema experiences are only available in you head.
Very funny, John
I think I'll rate it.
If the film gets made by a Studio or production company, the amount you get depends on the deal. First off, every standard movie deal gives the writer 3 rewrites, for which he is paid handsomely. If you get a screen credit, you get all the back-end money -- which is usually in excess of $100,000. As for residuals -- I'm still getting them for both movies -- one of them was made in 1989, the other in 1999. The first year or 2 of residuals are about half your back-end money. It slowly decreases from there.
Now all you have to do is type in the words: FADE IN
This is an excellent confessional and deserving of an EP.
My friends and I DO host Bad Movie Parties, after all.
I know Burt Reynolds personally, see him almost every week, and while I agree that some of his movie choices were questionable, he really is a talented man. In fact, he will performing "Barrymore" (one man show) for three night only at his museum/theater in Jupiter, Florida early next month. He is also an excellent teacher and a damned decent human being.
you are pretty funny, I gotta admit.
Oh come on, you can't tease us like that, spill!
Chumps sounds suspiciously like the plot of a small picture called We Married Margo -- are you sure you weren't robbed of a credit?
"My writing partner and I tried to imagine what it would be like to wander the streets on all fours, licking our genitals, eating sidewalk rubbish and sniffing asses. " Imagine, hell, I could have told you precisely -- that sounds just like my old days in a rock band.
Iranoff and Kopalski Are Lost could be topical these days if you included a very sexy governor of Alaska who could serve as a comic foil for the cosmonauts. In fact, I know someone who'd be perfect for the part -- and she's looking for work. All you'd have to do is remind her that we already elected one really bad actor President.
Zuma: By space hooker do you mean an alien who weaves?
TheHideousTruth: Way too much. You'd kill me if I told you.
OESheepdog: I'm over the hill as far as Hollywood is concerned.
Tom: I like your Palin idea. I also did a Liar,Liar script for Universal, which was shelved a year or two before Liar,Liar came out. Suing the studio would have been biting the hand that feeds you.
Skeletnwmn: Damn! Out of town Saturday. Another time?
Poet of Logan Square: I quit the biz too. Novels now. Nobody rewrites them except the author.
Floyd: Ours came first.
O'Really: That's a movie in itself -- 2 writers impersonating dogs for research. Just type FADE IN. The rest is easy.
Everybody else: Thanks for the lovely comments.
I suppose you would claim you didnt know that until *after* you sold it. but dude, badmouthing your own customers? look this is funny, but geez. whose gonna ever want to buy a script from you again? but it does provide a pretty strong glimpse into hollywood culture. where maybe the main objective isnt necessarily to make a great movie.
"Either way, it was doggie poop."
so can you explain why you would write doggie poop? for $$$?? well nice to know you have your artistic integrity goin on. I think all the idealistic writer youngsters in the crowd are crying and saying, "what?? you mean theres no santa claus??"
Great post. Rated!
Rated.
On principle I won't let people say a bad word about complete piece of shit films such as the ones you describe here. Without such films I may have actually been forced to do something productive with my time and God knows where that would have lead to. Sure it's all well and good to say I could've been like, a brain surgeon or something, but what about the deep profound learning I got from these going absolutely nowhere pieces of fluff? It's the natural follow on from the formulaic low budget cartoons of my childhood, where I gained the irreplaceable piece of knowledge that Scooby Doo Mystery Van was never, ever, ever going to go anywhere in the end that didn't end up with a man being implausibly unmasked, culminating in the immortal comment "and I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for you pesky kids."
It's just a shame these gems where never made.
Very funny bit of fiction.
Rated
Trudge: Unfortunately, none of this is fiction.
It was one-step above entry level 20 something college graduate goes on a dime-a-dozen corporate training, stays in a chain hotel in the suburbs of DC, visits a few museums, goes to the grocery store and a big box store or two.
The movie was fascinating, both what the camera lingered on as well as the author's commentary for his audience, none of whom (except me and my husband) had ever been to America or knew anyone who'd been except us and him.
When she gave her maiden name and address at the hospital, she had been attending the funeral of her last living parent, from whom she'd been estranged so none of the people at the funeral know about hubby #1. She inherits the house and moves back to her old bedroom.
There remain some plot holes, but you could zip by those with fast pacing.
Rated.
Malusinka: I like it. What's amnesia again?
littlewillie: Hijinks is a Hollywood term. It has no meaning.
That'll be $10,000, please.
Oh and Rated.
Thanks for the laugh!
You just made my day. I came to work feeling grumpy and then I read that sentence. The mental image that bloomed will keep me amused for the rest of the day.
Rated!