What do Woody Allen, Patrick Swayze, Mel Brooks, Rodney Dangerfield, Milton Berle, Don Rickles, Henny Youngman, George Burns and Jerry Lewis all have in common?
They all performed in the Borscht Belt, otherwise known as "The Jewish Alps." (Swayze actually filmed "Dirty Dancing" at hotels in NC and VA, but the movie was set in the Belt.) The rest are comedians who regularly performed there.
This story is not about "Dirty Dancing."
A little back-story: My hometown is Middletown, N.Y. which, in my day, was primarily noted for three things: a county insane asylum, a scent factory and a clock museum.
Between the asylum inmates walking, hopping and crawling around town on furloughs and the acrid smell emanating from the scent factory –- raspberry stench, noxious perfume odors, and the occasional disgusting unidentifiable fecal-like scent -- Middletown was, and still is –- to put it bluntly -- a dump.
The town’s only redeeming quality was its proximity to the scenic Catskill Mountains. More importantly, it was near the famous Borscht Belt, a conglomeration of resort hotels situated in the heart of the countryside.
These vacation hotels were largely populated in the summers by Eastern European Jews (thus the name Borscht) who lived and worked in New York City and wanted to escape the gritty urban summers to breathe fresh air, get bitten by giant mosquitoes, develop viscious sunburns and have the opportunity to kibbitz and play mah-jongg at poolside.
Sometimes they even came during the winter holidays for the fresh air, or because their kids liked the snow. Or, they just came for the shows.
Entertainment was supplied by the best stand-uip comics in the business.
My parents used to take me to one of these hotels –- The Concord –- to ski. Sometimes we would have dinner and catch a show. The skiing was interesting. Jews are lousy skiers because most of us are tragically inept at sports that involve physical movement. I’m pretty sure that this is written in the Talmud. For female Jewish skiers, it’s more about wardrobe. For men, it’s more about looking at the women.
Skiing Jews spend a lot of time face down in the snow or hopelessly tangled up in chair lifts. It’s not a pretty sight.
But I loved the comedy shows. The best Jewish comedians were regulars. As a kid, I was transfixed, and I’m sure those nights at The Concord had a lot to do with my decision to become a comedy writer. That, and desperately trying to survive the neurotic horror show that was my family.
My favorite comic was Henny Youngman, who I once actually met in a deli in New York as a kid. He was very gracious when I asked for his autograph. He told a few jokes and patted me on the head. I still have the napkin with his name scrawled on it.
The following one-liners are from the Borscht Belt oeuvre of this Great Man:
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
A bum came up to me saying, “I haven’t eaten in two days!” I said, “You should force yourself.”
The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium
Henny died in 1998. He was 91 years old.
Most of the Borscht Belt hotels are closed now –- their heyday had been the 1940s through the 1960s. Today, many of the hotels' bungalows have become summer homes for Orthodox Jews. The comedians --- those who are still alive and do stand-up --- now playVegas or perform in movies or on TV.
I don’t even know if The Concord still exists. If it does, I certainly wouldn’t ski there. I couldn't endure the carnage.
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Comments
So true. Bwahaha. Stop, or you'll make me tell you about Red Buttons.
Rated.
Thanks for the Borscht Post!
I said yes. He handed me his business card with his contact info on the front and a picture of the two cleaning products "Pride" (furntiure polish) and "Joy" (dishwashing liquid) on the back.
Take my wife, Please!!
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
(cue the violin)
The fact that I can remember these but can't remember my ATM pin number is a sad comment on my life.
and some of those one liners remind me why I oppose universal health care LOL
Imagine a Muslim-Turkish born girl, grown up in North America to learn and integrate enough to understand and appreciate the humor and an era you talk about !
For me you captured the stereotype so well in:
"For female Jewish skiers, it’s more about wardrobe. For men, it’s more about looking at the women." Laughed out loud !
Rated
"She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. "
that one's about the women in my family. we like being brides. we even blush.
You can almokst hear the rim shot.
So anyway ... here's a good one, Jews only! The Rabbi at a big Boston Shul wants to enter the Regatta, so he sends the business manager out to hire a cre and buy the best sailboat he can find. They get a dozen strapping yeshiva boys and they train like crazy and come in dead last. The Rabbi wants to know what happened. He asks who won. "Harvard." So he sends the business manager over to study the Harvard team and see what they did differently. He comes back a few weeks later and says, "Well ... on the Harvard team, there were ten guys working and one guy yelling."
This was great when I was a kid and it's still great now!
hokey cornball jewish one-liners, ya gotta love 'em. this is just so you, jb. ++
Oh wait. Henny lines.
Sorry;)
Just a minor quibble, John. The Dirty Dancing story setting was a Borscht Belt hotel. The movie was filmed at Lake Lure, NC and Mountain Lake Resort in Jefferson National Forest outside of Pembroke, VA, the area we refer to as the Brunswick Stew Belt down here.
I attended a business seminar at The Concord in 1967. I heard Charlie Callis and Rodney Dangerfield. Great shows.
Oh, yeah, and my parents met at the insane asylum.
Your ski reference made me think of that Larry David ski lift on the Sabbath bit a few seasons ago.
I laughed at your line, "most of us are tragically inept at sports that involve physical movement." It made me think. I wonder: does tongue wagging count as physical movement?
Thanks for this. I really enjoyed it.
Rated
Well told and witty.
Damn you are good!
Borsht Belt?
sounds like a great place to grow up!
>> "You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready."
>> "You have a nice personality, but not for a human being."
I'm sure he didn't mind.
Speaking of obnoxious, here's my one-liner of the day for you:
You got a lotta great lines, but they're all on your face (rimshot).
I read half of these to my boyfriend and he laughed so hard that he spit out his eggs.
A guy calls up a lawyer's office and hears "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz."
"Give me Mr. Schwartz," he says.
"He's on vacation."
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's in court."
"How about Mr. Schwartz?"
"He's out to lunch."
"And Mr. Schwartz?"
"Tragically, he died."
"Well, then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"Speaking."
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy"
The man says, "I want a second opinion!"
"Okay, you're ugly too!"
I love the jewish mother ones, too. Mostly because I have a jewish mother...
She replies, "You have the biggest dick of all of your friends"
Probably my favorite joke of all time.
Rated.
My husband went to the Concord as a child. My family went to the Nevele, which was the same kind of place. I remember what they called the ski slope--it was more of a hill. As a Jew who actually was good at skiing, it was a big disappointment!
"A guy has casts on both arms and both legs--gets a friend to drop him off at a whorehouse...madam answers the door, sees the guy with all four limbs in casts, and says 'What are you doing here?' and the guy looks down and says "'I rang the bell, didn't I?'"...rated
Funny stuff John, and as always, well written.
R
I'll be thinking of this one tomorrow as I remain sober and watch those around me:
"You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
:-)
From Jewish Humor:
"Three elderly Jewish women are sitting on a bench in Miami Beach, bragging about how devoted their sons are. The first woman tells the other two, "My son is so devoted to me that last year he gave me an all-expenses-paid cruise around the world. First Class."
"The second woman says, "My son is more devoted. For my seventy-fifth birthday last year, he catered an affair for me. He even paid to fly my friends down from New York."
"The third woman says, "My son is the most devoted. Three times a week he goes to see a psychiatrist. A hundred and twenty dollars an hour he pays him. And what do you think he talks about the whole time? Me."
From family lore about my Grandmother: How many Jewish Mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. "Don't worry about me; I'll just sit here in the dark!"
I got more. We all do.
A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says, "He had a hat!"
Of course, Groucho was in the same league. "Why, you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you." How many times have I been told that . . . ?
I'm definitely using some of these lines. As my crowd is demographically and culturally separate from that era, I'll seem like a genuine, if very corny, genius. Thanks, John.