Blogging a Dead Horse

john blumenthal

john blumenthal
Location
California,
Birthday
January 05
Title
john_blumenthal (On Twitter)
Bio
Curmudgeon. Formidable braggart. Comedy writer. Eight books, 2 movies. Former associate editor at Playboy Magazine. Movies include "Short Time," (major flop), and "Blue Streak" (huge hit, no idea why.) Last two novels were "What's Wrong With Dorfman?" (St. Martin's Press) and "Millard Fillmore, Mon Amour," (St. Martin's Press). New novel: "Three and a Half Virgins."

JANUARY 14, 2010 10:30AM

Why I'm Not Shakespeare

Rate: 39 Flag
the origami hat vendor has all-seeing eyes blinded
from staring at
the shining lavender buttocks of the suitcase,
eating gruel on the fulsome ship which floats
ungracefully upon the rice
as the night's sun and its hatless corn
both arise in hideous splendor in the lobby and
the soaking canine stands beneath an evil odiferous
sailboat conjuring in the land of onions
a place of terrible, tragic
rickshaws, where the
bland unspoken words
are always heard in purple and thrust the longing
paisley vomitus of an eternal but
temporary perfume where there is a cake
in the walnut tree of
life’s last book inside the library in Seville
of which he eats the colonel’s pie and remembers
but has forgotten in the confusion
of clarity which runs from
his delicate but senseless brown toenails to the sick
feline farness of that which is close, but not.

 
miles away, his love of a wet paramour, the fallen
antibiotic of his life,
sparks damply, like a sponge that has washed
away the
clean grime of filth upon
the sink of disaster which cannot be lifted without
the lissome grit
of that which removes bladders from the white
binoculars like the senile God of the
porch, to life’s death or leaves madras stains and
blows the loud but silent love like an ancient tuba
between the papered woman who looks
upon a turkey in the dark forest of pudding
and does not eat the crows in the
alleys of a French bicycle chain where only
half-witted birds migrate to
his shelf unit and seek to spill their seeds upon
the plates of greedy men who
sit in cafes and smoke under the eaves of the roof of
the library in Seville
and lays inside the bountiful nothingness of a canary
that has read the book of braying sorrow in the
confusing but bitter gibberish which is this poem.
 

 

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This is so freaking . . . beautiful!

I think.
The poem makes complete sense in an utterly nonsensical way, but the tags are priceless!
I don't know what scares me more: that you ever wrote this, or that I actually understand what you're talking about. Okay, I am a psychic (and I think that's the first time here that I let that out) but usually I actually have to know the person I'm reading and, well, I guess I am reading you and so therefore I know you after a fashion.

If I could write this way, I would, and fuck 'em all if they can't take a joke. Maybe I will try this today and waste some more time that I should spend looking for work.

You'll notice of course that I haven't said out loud what this is about. I think its better if we keep that just between the two of us.
As a therapist, I'd have a field day analyzing this, then I would need a vacation.
Is it because he's dead?
You sell yourself short in the title, John. This poem also explains why you're not Lorca, Cummings, or Ginsberg.
Were you one of the best minds of his generation? Like, wow, cat.
I almost cried while reading this. It made my eyes burn. Even worse, I think I understood it.
A few more of these Shakespearean efforts might get you
bard
from OS.
Why are you not Shakespeare? "Let me count the ways", as E.B.B. might have poeticized.
I'm sure Shakespeare will forgive you. Hamlet maybe not so much.
R
When I grow up I wanna write just like you.

R
Oh Geez John,
I have never laughed reading prose before. I couldn't stop laughing. Still can't. You are unreal. Your mirth is scary.

"...upon a turkey in the dark forest of pudding."

I shall treasure that line forever.

Rated and appreciated.
If some of you undertood this, explain to me what it means. I'm in "the pink throes of dark candles ungleaming in the paper weight of eagles."
Back in my 'zine Editor days, I would have accepted this for publication. With enthusiasm.That might explain something about me. I like Shakespeare but I love utter nonsense...
I tried reading it to the tune of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds." It almost worked.
Hey, practice makes perfect, John. Even Shakespeare had to start somewhere!

R.
Don't worry - like Melville and Kafka, you're just ahead of your time...
It's a good thing you're not Shakespeare. Shakespeare is dead.
John, you gotta lay off of the 'shrooms man. this kind of stuff is too psychedelic for me.
Favorite line: love like an ancient tuba
between the papered woman who looks
upon a turkey in the dark forest of pudding

Poetry is always welcome.
John, this is gorgeous...xox
It does have a kind of Donovan vibe in it, or maybe the Strawberry Alarm Clock. Blotter, barrels, or cubes?
You're right, John. That makes no f'n sense at all! Ha!
Actually, Bob, it was acid.
Shakesphere and I were cousins twice removed by the revoult to not eat bologna sandwiches, which some might argue didn't come about until the late to mid 12 century, by that time I didn't arrive, but had chosen instead to become a mid term running mate to the late King Lear. I'd known a while back about my Mid Summers passions, and sonnate but it still didn't do a lick of good, for Lemmony Snicket who stole most of the centers of the universe to hold alloms and scold dear Aunts and mules tounges into talking gibberish. Really at random and wicked thoughts that bear evil ans still distill sweetness, as neatly as they appear.
My mind has been blown, and Shakespeare never did that!
Now we know what Shakespeare would sound like if he was reborn as Ginsberg -- an addled Ginsberg that is. Either that, or you gotta cut back on the opium, Mr Coleridge.
Now John, I thought that you were probably making fun of me, and you are. This poem is about me, right?
Rated
I got stuck on "paisley vomitus".
wow - great coverage of this important topic!

I have been wanting to write something about this as well, so THANK YOU!!

Excellent, well written post. No accusations, no threats, no name calling. Just information - examples of both sides. Refreshingly different from some others out there.
Beautifully done.
I'm off to have some kids!
"Paisley vomitus?" This is so ....60s.
I can't drink at work, so I'm not gettin' it...But that's the whole point, right? Actually "feline farness of that which is close, but not" is a pretty damn great description of a particular brand of aloofness. Groovy.
Love it! especially this: "where the
bland unspoken words
are always heard in purple and thrust the longing
paisley vomitus of an eternal but
temporary perfume where there is a cake
in the walnut tree of
life’s last book inside the library in Seville"
now I'm confused - I mean, I didn't think you were Shakespeare but maybe Longfellow or um, Hemingway?
Actually. I meant to add, "Art James"
This what you get when you have so many chimps and so many typewriters at Chez Blumenthal. Well done. But I like my writing medium rare. R.
Lesh: Either gibberish or the forefront of modern poetry. Ask Caroline.
John, Are you making fun of me? I assume the "antibiotic of my life" isn't for medicinal purpose, at least I hope not. Purple vomitus? Someone was drinking Welch's grape juice? Love the half-witted bird reference though I do take that one personally, too. Creative, feminine and romantic. More, please.
Your not Art James, either! ((R))
Magritte in words...I had to come back...xox
rainee: Oh, what a chirping mole has the bias of the greenlit artichokes of the second halibut in the space of three cliffdwellers without a sock drawer in which to place the amorous cutlery.
blame it on the drugs.
has an Art James ring to me.
Lonnie: I don't think stool softener generally has that effect.
Maybe that stool softener softened something else?
Maybe I shouldn't have swallowed that suppository.
Although as you know, the queen of stupor will find a pencil of seven earlobes in the holland tunnel of righteous irish flatware when the green ear of light passes gas without a rake.
Purell hypochondriacs does not a dozen toasters make.
O: But soft, what deranged florida frame of severity does eat away at the dolphin's asylum when the flowers of platitude do not rhyme with the colorful colon of Vienna?
Hey Flipper: The melancholy flower scent of your cloven hoofed pay stub memorialized in sutured gums gives pause and rewind a bad name that can't be changed.
O: The clean sheets of your seminal freedom exults from the stick that vibrates to bring joy to the flowers of your unused flapping innards until the seagulls fry upon the clown's stick.
Who's Flipper?
John; the toothless aroma of the waking moon of quackery in the daunting but perplexing anachronistic playground of the gauntlet in your mind beyond the orangutan grasp of motoric perspicacity in the gutter.
John; the toothless aroma of the waking moon of quackery in the daunting but perplexing anachronistic playground of the gauntlet in your mind beyond the orangutan grasp of motoric perspicacity in the gutter.
P.S. The only hope for you would be a total face transplant. Have they perfected that yet?
I'm positive you're not Shakespeare. I hear he was taller.
rainee: Up your nose with a garden hose.
O: And how, praytell, doth thou knoweth how talleth I ameth, oh sheltered sinewy bosomed one of the broad seamen who takes brazen earalobes to fancy foot auctions?
Thou who is fullest of shite, echoeth nothingness with thy words. As hollow as your head, purple rain falls into your seepage. Get thee thy mind out of thy goiter.
Shakespeare did just that. He invented his own language and strung words together and poof, he became famous. Just compare what he wrote to what was written before his time. At least, you did not invent words.

Very clever, great tags.
Rated.
John, I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear!
rainee: Then take it out and put it somewhere else. I could suggest a few places.
LIke your own pants, blu?
O: My pants are already too crowded.
I knew you were full of shit! While I was waiting for you to return with some pithy remark it did cross my mind that you must be having a hard time keeping (it) up. Should I type more slowly?
I knew you were full of shit! While I was waiting for you to return with some pithy remark it did cross my mind that you must be having a hard time keeping (it) up. Should I type more slowly?
Formidable scribbler of wench lusting
SquirEsque comedy from braggart kvetch
Unread jester, debauching puzzle of
lacking excellency time short
unheralded precidence of more fill willardity
the illusion of streaker blu
moniker santa, he be.

Flop, Flop, exit left.
Orally: Hey genius, you hit the comment button twice. Sure, I like comments, but not from morons. Go bother car-douche. She needs a haircut.
rainee: You want to collaborate on the next one? You've got the gift.
I wouldn't trust him, rainee. He only does this to say in the feed.
And blu: Go ahead and leave me for another commenter. That's okay with me. Frank is waiting for me at his house. Fraaaaaaaaank!
Ok, but can you do it again in iambic pentameter?
Ahhh am soooo cofffussseeed!
Frank: The hideous monster will be at your door soon. Get out your shotgun and bolt the door.
Frank: Do I have to chase you everywhere?
O"Really, Blu has jockeying (yes, that is an underwear reference) for both of our attentions for weeks.
John, Took the words from a writer of no repute who failed to copy write them. It was easy.
Yeah, Frank. Just make sure you let me in before he gets there.
Damn it, Frank! I can't believe I had to come here to find you.
I gotta hav sum coffee.

Maybe wit a bita anisette in it!

In fack...maybe wit a lotta anisette!
Frank A threesome at your age. Shame!
Frank: Mind pouring me one while you're at it?

And where's that slow poke blu?
Actually, this is some good shit, Little Boy Blu, it certainly makes more sense than these immortal words:

"McArthur's Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again"

Oops, I almost forgot

"Oh, no!"

Or maybe I should have saved my slam of Jimmy Webb for Foodie Tuesday
rainee: I forgot -- are you a man or a woman? If you're a woman, maybe O and car-douche can take lessons.
I waited an hour and a half for this, blu? I'm almost ashamed to admit that I waited at all. If banter is your idea of "foreplay", I can only imagine how disappointing your actual entrance might be. Yawn.
O: Entrance into what? A vault? A mausoleum?
Don't flatter yourself, blu. Pick on something your own size. Like a peep hole.
O: You really have this obsession with size, don't you? It's getting old -- like you.
or alternatively entitled, "why this post did not get an EP" hahaha
dude, are you dissing the Great One??? loser :p
Size would not be such a "big" matter if there was performance or endurance to compensate for the lack of it. And since your "performance" thus far has come up short as it were, I have no choice but to shake my head in pity (three times to make sure everything drips out), wash my hands of this and call it a day.
Until next time, blu.
You may want to get an additional charger to keep "up" with me. I have the stamina to keep it up and going all night long. Et tu?
a tale
full of sound and fury
told by an idiot
signifying
nothing.
O: You can "keep it up"? Now you're telling me you're a man?
by the way, there are some academics who seriously think that O'Really is in fact .... Francis Bacon writing under a pseudonym.
Not at all, blu. However, you do kind of strike me as a "hands on" kind of guy. Even if they are both all over yourself. Don't forget the Purell.

@vzn: Those academics.....
O: Purell works for me. But any guy stupid enough to touch you, would have to wash with Clorox.
And that would be before he laid hands on me.
O: Who would deliberately lay hands on you? The mere thought scares me.
I am indeed a woman, Blu! And the two of us rainee, O'Real and cartouche can best you any day in any incarnation we choose!! Tomorrow I will be sunny and share!
Sorry to be out of the loop for over two hours but Mr. Wonderful requested a quickie. He is definitely a hands on kind of guy. What were you to talking about? Size, Purell and Clorox? Ooh, sounds like blu is ...yawn... running out of steam.
rainee: Three against one isn't really fair. But if you're interested in a foursome, I'm game.
wow. a d***size war with 3 women. now thats a 1st.
Oh, John, I fear thou hast forsaken me!
mypsche: But soft, what crane on yonder whiffle bat bikes.
"Don't call us. We'll call you..."
John-

I don't know if this says more about you or more about me, but either way, I "get this" in a way that only a Monty python sketch would describe
Apparently, I get the last word tonight. If mypsyche wants to join in, all the better! But if you recall, oh man of too many words. it will be three against one, not four. Do we need to hire a mathematician for you? Where have you been all week?
O, you remain my inspiration! I couldn't go after blu without you!
Oh slithering tides of putrification and beauty. The toths of slight beacon us to the brink of slatery thonk. Good night , sweet Prince, for tomorrow....
Apparently, I get the last word tonight. If mypsyche wants to join in, all the better! But if you recall, oh man of too many words. it will be three against one, not four. Do we need to hire a mathematician for you? Where have you been all week?
O, you remain my inspiration! I couldn't go after blu without you!
Oh slithering tides of putrification and beauty. The toths of slight beacon us to the brink of slatery thonk. Good night , sweet Prince, for tomorrow....
You can be a big fish in a little pond, or a little fish in a whale.
You're reminding me of Don Rickles on Southern Comfort.
If you see a fork in the road, it's finders keepers.
People that live in glasses houses--use a lot of windex.
Sir, a poet's poet you are pink as the panther panting in panic.
It's like the dude is channeling Robin Williams reading Faulkner.

How do they make that ahhh sound on HBO right before the movie?

Good luck. I'm off to stand in ass-deep snow that has buried the chair.
Rating with~held due to acid reflux.
John, you are also not Shakespeare because:
a. You do not prefer adolescent boys (I presume).
b. You did not write "Hamlet." What an option deal that would've been!
and, c. He is quite dead.

But I do love the line "half witted birds migrate to his shelf unit and seek to spill their seeds on the plates of greedy men." I have a feeling however that the setting is Ventura, and not Seville.
Or have we eaten on the insane root
That takes the reason prisoner?
Macbeth, 1. 3
So...LSD????
you're a deadbeat poet fer sure. I always knew ya had it in you!
I agree with Con, but I've always been a sycophant.