Blogging a Dead Horse

john blumenthal

john blumenthal
Location
California,
Birthday
January 05
Title
john_blumenthal (On Twitter)
Bio
Curmudgeon. Formidable braggart. Comedy writer. Eight books, 2 movies. Former associate editor at Playboy Magazine. Movies include "Short Time," (major flop), and "Blue Streak" (huge hit, no idea why.) Last three novels were "What's Wrong With Dorfman?" (St. Martin's Press), "Millard Fillmore, Mon Amour," (St. Martin's Press) and "Three and a Half Virgins" (Finalist, International Book Awards.) Latest book -- a spoof of romance novels called "Passing Wind of Love."

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APRIL 21, 2010 9:55PM

Why I'm Not Running for Congress in 2010

Rate: 45 Flag

First, I'd like to thank my family and my loyal supporters -- all 8 of you -- who came to City Hall to hear my announcement.

  

I'd like to thank Mrs. Finkel for her support. I hope you remembered to bring my dry cleaning. You forgot? That's okay. I can come by on Thursday. Friday would be better? That's fine. As you know, I am a great supporter of small businesses.

  

I'd also like to thank the press. I will never forget you Melinda, or the editor of your junior high school newspaper for covering my campaign.

  

Um, please don't leave just yet, Uncle Phil. Yes, I know you have a bum leg.  I think there's a beach chair in the trunk of Barb's car. Will you give him the keys Barb? Thanks!

  

Now, without further delay… here is my announcement: I have decided… not to run in… the Republican primary for Congress in 2010.

  

No moans please. Um, did I just hear someone applaud? Was that you, Aunt Bea? Maybe someone would be kind enough to adjust her hearing aid. Thanks Melinda.

  

So, why have I decided not to run? First, I want to spend more time with my family. What’s that Doris? I already spend too much time with the family? Yes, I know I’m unemployed… What? You don’t really want to see me more? Oh.

  

Secondly, I was only able to raise $96.78. And the only person of note who endorsed me was Jim Smithers. Jim has a lot of political experience, having once seen the mayor’s shnauzer at the Happy Dog Kennel, but his support wasn’t enough.

  

And third, after door-to-door polling, I've been informed by my campaign manager and fellow super-hero toy collector, Bob Henderson that my favorability rating is below 1% in my own home town. Bob says that most voters in town were annoyed with me for walking my dog, Butch, without a poop bag.

 

But there’s always 2012!   

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:) Great way to end my evening! Thanks!
It's the nation's loss.
What, no scandals? You're home free my friend, just give me a few hours, we'll come up with the right number of voters.
Very funny, rated.
Well my friend, you've always got OS!!
I'm thinking it might be better to wait till 2016 . I saw you and the dog last night and man, if you can't follow one simple law, you have a lot of making up to do in your own home town. Dude.
I thought I read that your popularity rating was below 1% in your own home.
Can I expect your check for $96.78 to arrive by Tuesday.
Make it out to the Rev. Jim Ignatowski.
You gotta watch that Uncle Phil. And what an impressive war chest.
I've got your donation right here.
don't worry... there's always the town council. Ingest much helium!
Hey, don't quit, I can get you a few votes.....got any thing to trade??? Rated.
Awww, John! I was betting on you. Literally. Lost 2 bucks on that one. I'll cover your campaign in 2012. And I won't bet next time. xox
You really sure this is about wanting to spend more time with your family and not the pictures that surfaced about that three way you had with Yassar Arafat and his favorite goat?
@Gwool: If the goat had a spokesperson, he'd be insulted. (Insert emoticon here to piss blu off)
@cardouche: You're starting to get my goat.
Aw, phooey! I was all ready to vote for change I could believe in.
@blumenthal: I'll do it until the cows come home.
You always entertain and, for the record, I think you'd make a good Congressman.
Maybe some of your nascent (now totally over) campaign buttons, bumper stickers. etc., will be worth something on eBay.

Just trying to help...
Well, then I'm just voting. There's no one else with a "no poop bag" platform.
And if elected you will not serve.
Oy, you kill me! Forget congress; stay in comedy--if only so that I can have laughs like this:

Jim has a lot of political experience, having once seen the mayor’s shnauzer at the Happy Dog Kennel, but his support wasn’t enough. And third, after door-to-door polling, I've been informed by my campaign manager and fellow super-hero toy collector, Bob Henderson that my favorability rating is below 1% in my own home town. Bob says that most voters in town were annoyed with me for walking my dog, Butch, without a poop bag.
I think you're probably wise, although it's a great personal disappointment. I was COUNTING on you! But all the verbal sparring with Cartouche on this radical far-left blog-site--well you know what a huge scandal it could become. The mother of all October Surprises!
If it's any consolation, I'm not running either, John. Let's set up a Martini Party and say the hell with it!
I always look for your new post first, because it's starts my day on such a wonderful track. I'm too selfishly entertained to be concerned about whether or not your mind works properly. Deep down, I know you need help, but then again so do I. God you're funny! R
I once heard a small-town mayor elect deliver a speech that contained the line, "I'd like to thank my Jesus, if I have one."

You know, might help a Jew like you win over the evangelical vote in 2012.
JB ... You were overqualified anyway! {{{R}}}
what am I supposed to do with all these flyers?
John,
Thanks for this piece. Returning after an absence to once again read your humor is a genuine gift.

Lines like, “...I want to spend more time with my family. What’s that Doris? I already spend too much time with the family?” always manage to make me laugh out loud.

Thanks so much for your craft, your consistency, and your humor.

Rated and appreciated.
John,
I want you to run for Mayor of OS or Mayor of Munchkinland, whichever you find more appealing. :)
V
XOXOXO
John,
It's your time.
The people are in the mood for your leadership qualities.
I'm starting a Daft John Blumenthal movement.
Run Johnny, run. The nation is in dire need of a sense of humor.
Thank goodness! Now I won't have to explain why I'm not voting for you.
Great. Now I'm stuck with this "BLUMIE '10" tattoo on my ass.
or perhaps a cosmic enema. Somehow, I think that you could do the job.
LadyM: Works for me. Don't tell Doris.
Yawp: How'd you know I threw the poop bag under the platform?
Alan: You're on. Can I bring LadyM?
Fay: Not to worry. I'm already on Lithium.
Nikki: Do you know how to make paper airplanes?
Spend a few hours in Boehner's tanning salon and reconsider.
Maybe start with Mayor? All you need there is some corrupt real estate dealings and you're good in most cities...BTW, if you're not using that $96...??
Oh. And I thought you weren't running because nobody really asked (or wanted) you to.
another of those "I will not seek, nor will I accept...." moments.
$96.78 huh? You should have said something. I would have sent you the 22 cents to make it an eve $97.
Lezlie
Funny as always, John.
It's bad enough we have one comedian in Congress...we don't need two. You're holding out for Supreme Court Justice.
@OESheepdog: One professional comdian and roughly 240 bad jokes.
Damn. What am I gonna do with all this cash I raised for you at the Tooterville Tea Party spaghetti dinner we held for you last night? Since the gubmint will be in shambles by 2012 anyways, we probly oughta spend it on a beer blast for the workers. We'll sing "For He's A Jolly Good Fella" for ya, tho... rated for inspiring creative thinking
John, you did the right thing to drop out of the race. Will you be returning the million dollar campaign contribution from Goldman Sachs? Oh wait, that was President Obama.
You could run for the border...just a suggestion.
Between the things I've consumed or said, I would have a better chance of joining the womens Olympic soccer team than getting elected to public office.
Hope you do it in '12. You sound like a man who respects authority. Time the People's Republic of Santa Monica turned into the Santa Monarchy.

How's Dickie Cheney for King? Sarah Palin for Queenie?
The entire GOP as court jester?
Funny, you don't strike me as a typical Republican. But then, when you're being struck, what difference does party affiliation make, anyway?