First, I'd like to thank my family and my loyal supporters -- all 8 of you -- who came to City Hall to hear my announcement.
I'd like to thank Mrs. Finkel for her support. I hope you remembered to bring my dry cleaning. You forgot? That's okay. I can come by on Thursday. Friday would be better? That's fine. As you know, I am a great supporter of small businesses.
I'd also like to thank the press. I will never forget you Melinda, or the editor of your junior high school newspaper for covering my campaign.
Um, please don't leave just yet, Uncle Phil. Yes, I know you have a bum leg. I think there's a beach chair in the trunk of Barb's car. Will you give him the keys Barb? Thanks!
Now, without further delay… here is my announcement: I have decided… not to run in… the Republican primary for Congress in 2010.
No moans please. Um, did I just hear someone applaud? Was that you, Aunt Bea? Maybe someone would be kind enough to adjust her hearing aid. Thanks Melinda.
So, why have I decided not to run? First, I want to spend more time with my family. What’s that Doris? I already spend too much time with the family? Yes, I know I’m unemployed… What? You don’t really want to see me more? Oh.
Secondly, I was only able to raise $96.78. And the only person of note who endorsed me was Jim Smithers. Jim has a lot of political experience, having once seen the mayor’s shnauzer at the Happy Dog Kennel, but his support wasn’t enough.
And third, after door-to-door polling, I've been informed by my campaign manager and fellow super-hero toy collector, Bob Henderson that my favorability rating is below 1% in my own home town. Bob says that most voters in town were annoyed with me for walking my dog, Butch, without a poop bag.
But there’s always 2012!