Unbeknownst to the tabloids, Kim Kardashian is not what she appears to be, but actually one of the world’s foremost astrophysicists.
For reasons that no one fully understands, Kim has hidden her true persona as a renowned scientist, and deliberately created a bogus image of herself as a sex symbol and star of a moronic TV reality show. Until now, she has succeeded in keeping her bizarre charade a secret.
We can only speculate that she has concealed her impressive academic career because of an irrational need to play an idiot on television.
Here are the facts: She was not really born in Los Angeles, but hails from Vienna. While on a grade school picnic, Kim found an error in Einstein’s Theory of Relativity which, according to experts, had to do with punctuation. At the age of 12, she received a full scholarship to Harvard University and, within three months, graduated Phi Beta Kappa, with a major in Astrophysics.
While attending Harvard, Kim (IQ, 296) utilized her spare time by writing papers for two Nobel Laureates at MIT, playing first violin with the Boston Philharmonic, writing a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel, directing a series of Chekhov plays in their original Russian on Broadway and devising a groundbreaking recipe for pound cake.
She also became a proficient hockey player, and would have competed in the Olympics, had it not been for a scheduling conflict involving the space-time continuum.
Following college, she was accepted at MIT’s Advanced Physics program, where she obtained a PhD in Astrophysics within six months and, at the age of 17, was appointed head of the physics department, where she conducted extensive research on black holes, anti-matter and the scientific rationale for the existence of South Carolina.
Two years later, Kim met Stephen Hawking at a race-track cocktail party and, because of their common interest in astrophysics and professional wrestling, the two of them hit it off immediately.
Later that evening, she answered some of Hawking’s questions about the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, explained several complex nuances of quantum theory, and entertained him with an analysis of bacon.
Both of them agreed that if alien life forms exist, they would resemble rabbits.
Weeks later, they eloped, although nobody really knows why that was necessary. The marriage has remained a secret until now.
We can only speculate about where Kim will go from here, but we do know that she has decided to maintain her cover as a superficial, self-important bigmouthed moron for reasons that only she fully understands.