Blogging a Dead Horse

john blumenthal

john blumenthal
January 05
john_blumenthal (On Twitter)
Curmudgeon. Formidable braggart. Comedy writer. Eight books, 2 movies. Former associate editor at Playboy Magazine. Movies include "Short Time," (major flop), and "Blue Streak" (huge hit, no idea why.) Last three novels were "What's Wrong With Dorfman?" (St. Martin's Press), "Millard Fillmore, Mon Amour," (St. Martin's Press) and "Three and a Half Virgins" (Finalist, International Book Awards.) Latest book -- a spoof of romance novels called "Passing Wind of Love."


Editor’s Pick
APRIL 28, 2010 11:21AM

Kim Kardashian, Astrophysicist

Rate: 48 Flag

Unbeknownst to the tabloids, Kim Kardashian is not what she appears to be, but actually one of the world’s foremost astrophysicists. 


For reasons that no one fully understands, Kim has hidden her true persona as a renowned scientist, and deliberately created a bogus image of herself as a sex symbol and star of a moronic TV reality show. Until now, she has succeeded in keeping her bizarre charade a secret.




We can only speculate that she has concealed her impressive academic career because of an irrational need to play an idiot on television.                                                                              



Here are the facts: She was not really born in Los Angeles, but hails from Vienna. While on a grade school picnic, Kim found an error in Einstein’s Theory of Relativity which, according to experts, had to do with punctuation. At the age of 12, she received a full scholarship to Harvard University and, within three months, graduated Phi Beta Kappa, with a major in Astrophysics.   


While attending Harvard, Kim (IQ, 296) utilized her spare time by writing papers for two Nobel Laureates at MIT, playing first violin with the Boston Philharmonic, writing a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel, directing a series of Chekhov plays in their original Russian on Broadway and devising a groundbreaking recipe for pound cake.


She also became a proficient hockey player, and would have competed in the Olympics, had it not been for a scheduling conflict involving the space-time continuum.  


Following college, she was accepted at MIT’s Advanced Physics program, where she obtained a PhD in Astrophysics within six months and, at the age of 17, was appointed head of the physics department, where she conducted extensive research on black holes, anti-matter and the scientific rationale for the existence of South Carolina.


Two years later, Kim met Stephen Hawking at a race-track cocktail party and, because of their common interest in astrophysics and professional wrestling, the two of them hit it off immediately.


Later that evening, she answered some of Hawking’s questions about the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, explained several complex nuances of quantum theory, and entertained him with an analysis of bacon.


Both of them agreed that if alien life forms exist, they would resemble rabbits.


Weeks later, they eloped, although nobody really knows why that was necessary. The marriage has remained a secret until now.         

We can only speculate about where Kim will go from here, but we do know that she has decided to maintain her cover as a superficial, self-important bigmouthed moron for reasons that only she fully understands.     



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I bet you're going to try to tell me that you've slept with her, too. That would be completely over the top.
That would explain her gravity-defying booty.
my world is crumbling
Excuse me while I go hit myself in the face with a frying pan.
Damn, Con Chapman already stole my comment...that booty must have its own gravity field, but I think that's as close to Einstein or Hawking as she gets!
I officially have a crush on Leepin Larry andAndy Heizeler. That the two of them can make me laugh with their comments on a post that already cracked me up is saying something.

Oh yes she is wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, She's paid the price
But look how much she gained
If she has to, she can face anything
She is strong (strong)
She is invincible (invincible)
She is woman
Oh, she is woman
She is invincible
She is strong
Up until now, I've successfully ignored Kim K., and wondered what all the fuss was about. Now I know.
I'm with cartouche on this one. You guys are killing me! Why am I not surprised at blumenthal's being *intrigued* by the secret genius of Ms. Kardashian (read: 's ass)
that explains everything about her moons.
Change the name from Kim to Sarah Palin and you could get a job as her publicist.

Is this post in response to Brawer's EP cover? r
Is it just me asking from under my rock, but who is Kim Kardashian?
Are you sure about the pound cake recipe thing?
next, you're going to tell us that the idiots on Jersey Shore are all Rhodes Scholars and secretly running a psychological experiment on the entire country. i just don't know what to believe anymore...
Thanks. I lost track of her after she switched her major from molecular genetics.
Ask Miss Kardashian if she knows why they French don't sell pound cake?
I like her volvanos
Wow, she really has the whole package!
now maybe she can explain Bruce Jenner.
You didn't know this already? She's not that great an actress. I could tell she was a genius from day one of watching the show. But, what you didn't mention was Reggie Bush is really smarter than her, and his cover is playing football. As you can tell, because he sucks at it!
So her ski trips to Switzlerland were really to do top secret research about black holes at CERN?
Kim is so beautiful I don't really care who or what else she is.
As for Leepin Larry, I've been crushing on him for months._r
I'm not surprised.
You are very inventive...or gullible.
There's no money in being a genius, especially since Alex Trebek banned her from Jeopardy.
I slept with her; I sleep with lots of physicists. I keep it to myself.
Kim Kardashian also invented Relativity Television.
So thats her deal...Wow. Rated.
I think Kim's abilities have more to do with how her impressive frontside and backside assets break through the normal time restrictions the rest of us face. Since her extended attributes allow Kim to exist in the future and past, she better understands the nature of the space-time continuum.
Damn, I was hoping she would be my "stunt-double" one day but now I am intimidated.
It's reassuring that you think women can be smart and beautiful. :)
Yeah, Blumenthal, is your romantic, yet harrowing escape from shadowy government goons and involving rompaging travel through several picturesque European countries on cramped trains with the buxom Kardasian girl as your charge going to be your next article?

John, I will add that we are very fortunate that she has not defected to the "other side" because that surely would have meant imminent doom for us!
I knew nobody could really be that dumb.
That pic is gravity defying.
I don't believe anyone is that smart.
@cartouche: I do, sort of. I have a blow-up doll.
@OEsheepdog: Explain. Don't get the Brawer connection
@greenheron: A boob job with a head
wow, maybe she really IS an actress...
No wonder Einstein looks so discombobulated.
Firestorm: Thank you for the critique. I will think about what you have to say. (Not kidding.)
Hope: Gee, I never thought of it that way. Thanks for pointing it out.
I knew there was something about our Kim that we weren't "getting."
She takes her "dumb" and laughs all the way to the bank.
Did you ever think about writing something real, rather than an entertaining, but ultimatly lame, satire?
You had me at "black holes".
Karin, at some point the pencil test loses relevance and with a woman such as KK, it is irrelevant.
It's all about 'brane theory, 11 dimensions and cosmic strings. the kind she wears are called "g strings" which you can only understand if you make it to dimension 8 or higher.
I think she's a thetan.
Matt: Yes, I have but, alas, it was boring. Try Proust.
I can confirm all of this. I had an affair with her. she was very good at ze quantum mechanics. it was as if her breasts were in two places at the same time.
by the way, in case anyone wasnt aware, one of the founders of quantum mechanics was Schroedinger, who was very certainly polyamorous, at one time living with three other women. he got a young girl pregnant in his 50s. I am not making this up. in fact it is well documented, not apocryphal, that he discovered his famous formula while on a holiday with a young paramour/mistress.
thats what I call, Inspiration =)
its also not well known that in college/MIT, kardashians study partner was Paris Hilton.
vzn: Thanks for the info. I always thought it was Lindsay Lohan.
Bwahaha! Get outta here! R
Well no wonder everyone is all gaga over that woman. Beauty, boodie and brains. The thing I like best is, she's not at all pretentious.
JB ... There are two pics. Which one's Kim? Apparently not *everybody* knows you are a humorist. But I do! Yet another very funny post from a funny, funny guy. You get the {{{R}}} for raucus.

And I also know you can write serious. I've read your stuff on Brawer. Hey, I know: Write something serious about the Tea Party. It could be a horror flic ... or maybe a sitcom ... like "Family" ... but on steroids and pain killers. The key player could be a squeeky-voiced woman from Alaska ... played by Kardasian. 'Cept for the looks, that'd be real type-casting! But not funny. Yep, a horror flic.
I’ve often wondered why on Earth certain people are able to become media magnet type “celebrities” - especially based upon such infamous reasons. But after reading your whimsical piece I have my answer. It’s so you can take them to task with your wonderful gift of satire and snark. Thanks very much for this post.

Rated and appreciated.
Rod: I tried very hard to find a shot of Einstein with cleavage and Kim with wild white hair, sticking her tongue out. Alas, Google Image did not have one.
Yeah, yeah, if she didn't have bodacious ta-ta's, you wouldn't even be interested in her mind.
Now it all makes sense. Rated.
Brilliant! I can barely even spell astrophys... um you know. I'm trying to picture her in my geek glasses. Uh, no.
No wonder!!! that explains the bentley
And few people know that Hawking is a sex symbol. Strange world.