Since I’m a hypochondriac, every minor pain I suffer is invariably life threatening.  Every headache is a brain tumor. Every bout of indigestion is either stomach cancer or angina.  Every sore throat means I’ll need to have my larynx removed and wear one of those gizmos that’ll make me sound like Stephen Hawking, only it won’t make me any smarter.

I know this is revolting, but I habitually check my bowel movements for discoloration. I freaked out once after taking Pepto Bismol, not knowing that it turns everything black. I had a panic attack –- it was colon cancer for sure.  Pepto also makes your tongue black, so I concluded (erroneously) that I had dengue fever. All of a sudden, I had colon cancer and dengue fever.  I’d be dead in a week.

It took two glasses of whiskey to relax me. Now cirrhosis was also in my future.

If you’re a hypochondriac, Google is not your friend. In fact, it’s a great way to exacerbate the anxiety you already feel about your health.  And that anxiety ends up causing more symptoms, thus perpetuating the problem.    

Once I wanted to find out whether carrots can affect the color of urine. The first 5 Google entries were Viagra ads.  The next two had message boards where lay people offered their own idiotic opinions. (“My uncle’s urine turned green, but he ate broccoli.”) Of course, they all differed, and were mostly written by hypochondriacs with spelling issues.

Then there was one which provided links to indecipherable research papers by experts who had conducted tests at a university somewhere. These were contradicted by other papers published by other scientists who had conducted the same tests at another university. When I finally found what appeared to be a reputable site, it basically said “maybe.”

The “maybe” was enough to make my heart race, my face to break out in a sweat and my hands to shake.  Now I had more symptoms, so I went back to Google.

Another time, I had stomach cramps.  According to several sites on Google, I either had colon cancer, rectal cancer, Crohn’s Disease, Colitis, Irritated Bowel Syndrome or pregnancy.  I decided that pregnancy was the most likely choice.

If you’re on any meds, good luck.  One day, I woke up feeling dizzy. I wondered whether it was a side effect of one of my meds.  Guess what? Dizziness is a side effect of every medication I’m on.  The message boards contained the usual inconclusive drivel.  (“My aunt took 5 Valiums and felt dizzy.”)

If you look hard enough, Google will tell you that eating chopped liver might cause heart murmurs, bathroom spray may result in glaucoma, digital cameras can turn your urine blue and wearing a hat can result in lymphoma. 

Forget Google. Next time I’m just taking a Tylenol. Hopefully, there won’t be any fatal side effects.  Oh, and I’m also giving up carrots.