Rumsfeld

Donald Rumsfeld works for the DuPont Corp. where he tests Kevlar vests. 

“He’s not very good at it,” his boss, Herman Tweed says. “Often he cowers in fear when he’s shot at. Sometimes, we run out of safety helmets and Don’s Mom has to buy one at Costco and FedEx it to him.”

“I’d replace him, but we always try to use the manpower we have, not the manpower we want.”

Harriett Myers

Harriet Myers is a judge (and part-time secretary) for the American Teen Beauty Contest headquartered in Omaha. She hopes that this prestigious job will lead to a position on the Nebraska State Court of Appeals.

“She has a good shot at it,” says Roberta Milliken, president emeritus of the beauty pageant. “She’s had plenty of experience. Judging these contests can be extremely challenging. I would liken it to the kind of work a Supreme Court Justice does, minus the hideous robe.”

“In fact, I’m amazed that Harriett hasn’t sentenced any of our entrants to prison terms yet -- some of them commit serious crimes, such as playing the flute in public.”

Michael Chertoff

Michael Chertoff, ex-President Bush’s Secretary of Homeland Security, now works for the Pasadena School System where he is head of Homeroom Security.

Says the principle, Harvey Todd: “Mike’s good at his job. Makes sure undesirables don’t get into the schoolyard. Sometimes, just for the fun of it, we make Mike pass through the metal detectors every morning with the kids, but we make him take his shoes off three times. It’s kind of a revenge thing.”

Alberto Gonzales

After a failed stint as a temp for a law firm in Tijuana, Gonzales now works for SeaFun Inc., a Dallas-based company that manufactures boogie boards.

“Originally, he was supposed to test them,” says SeaFun’s CEO, Mort Farfel. “But he says he’s afraid of water. Apparently, he once fell in the bathtub and his wife said he was flailing around and screaming something about how he’ll confess everything he knows. He gets a little hysterical when water gets in his mouth and nose.”    

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