Blogging a Dead Horse

john blumenthal

john blumenthal
January 05
john_blumenthal (On Twitter)
Curmudgeon. Formidable braggart. Comedy writer. Eight books, 2 movies. Former associate editor at Playboy Magazine. Movies include "Short Time," (major flop), and "Blue Streak" (huge hit, no idea why.) Last three novels were "What's Wrong With Dorfman?" (St. Martin's Press), "Millard Fillmore, Mon Amour," (St. Martin's Press) and "Three and a Half Virgins" (Finalist, International Book Awards.) Latest book -- a spoof of romance novels called "Passing Wind of Love."


Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 19, 2010 2:18PM

Stark Naked at the Airport

Rate: 68 Flag

Picture this: I am standing in line at an airport security check. I place my luggage and computer bag on the belt. Next, I dump all my change, keys and other random pocket debris in the little basket. I take off my shoes. Then I remove my belt and add it to the train.


But I don’t stop there. I keep going. I remove my pants. I slip my shirt over my head. I pull off my socks. And lastly, I step out of my underpants and fling them onto the belt.


I am stark naked.



Women gasp and give me their phone numbers. Men look on with envy. Someone with a video camera films the whole circus. The humorless TSA personnel look on with confusion, their small minds struggling to recall what the Homeland Security Rule Book says about this.


I ignore them and stroll through. At the end of the conveyor, I casually put my clothes back on.


Somebody calls security. Let them figure out what to do. Once I am dressed, two beefy guards haul me away.


I find myself in jail. My attorney bails me out.


The next day the YouTube comes out. Two million people watch it. I appear on MSNBC and chat with Keith Olbermann. I am suddenly an international sensation. I get an agent and a book deal.


A week later I’m in court, charged with indecent exposure. The prosecutor recounts my display to the judge who nods solemnly. My attorney argues that, had I been placed beneath the scanner, this too would technically have been indecent exposure. I would have been exposing myself to a one man audience – the scanner operator. My attorney will argue that the charge of indecent exposure does not specify how large the audience must be for the charge to apply.


The judge will rule in my favor. I will be free to go.  


In the ensuing weeks, five thousand airline passengers will perform stripteases at the airport.


Homeland Security will be stumped.

Playboy will send photographers.    



Your tags:


Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:


Type your comment below:
I think the problem begins when you say that the TSA will be "stumped". Will this case end up in small claims court? VERY funny.
My plan was just to continually fart during the pat down while taunting, "Get a whiff of that, homo-boy!"

Yours sounds more rewarding.
Ack. Thanks for *that* mental image.

Otherwise, sounds like a call to arms to me.
After reading this post I sent a link of it to wewon’ so that they can use it in their advertising. Avoiding a bunch of men given free rein to waive their swantzes around is a much more powerful argument than radiation exposure or civil rights as far as I'm concerned. ::eye roll::
Hmm ... there have been reliable reports of terrorists smuggling explosives past security by putting them into what is usually tactfully referred to as a 'body cavity,' - including an attempt on the life of a Saudi princeling. (I guess you could *really* call that one an assassination...) But seriously, what's the next step inTSA madness? Break out the speculum? Instant colonoscopies while U wait?
Yeah, I'm driving from now on.
It reminds me of a funny German movie featuring a gay security agent at Tegel airport whose job was to pat down all the male passengers in the security line. "I just LOVE this job," he'd say.

It;s going to happen isn't it?
I can see it all now.. A future Playboy spread.
rated with hugs
- you will endorse a sunscreen product, to add to your fame.
I wonder if there has been a big increase in applicants for these "security" jobs......hmmmm. r
I'm in. It's not pretty, but I'll sacrifice to support the cause. I can't poot on command the way Harry can, although that's not a terrible idea for one who is talented in that way.
"Picture this:" Not if I can help it
Just make sure you get an even tan first.
*searching my wallet for a large bill
Obey this simple rule for a flatter stomach and more flattering TSA x-rays.
John, I love it when a plan comes together. But you have one problem. Who you going to hire to do the strip tease. If you do it, all the film will melt and the cameras will stop. Good Idea though!
i have the very very bad mental picture of a whole bunch of old guys with saggy asses and poochy bellies bending over to pick up something they dropped on that germy carpet next to the conveyor belt. not that your description inspired such a picture, of course.

great idea, john, as long as you're not in line next to harry.
Maybe this will inspire all air travelers to diet and get in shape.
You are simply nuts. But seriously, when are you traveling? I've got a really nice camera and plenty of film.
happens to me once a week... R.
That's it! I'm investing in one of Roger's penis extension franchises post haste!

I'm going to be RICH!!!!

P.S. Dibs on LAX! John flies out of there and I know a hot prospect when I see one!
You are free to express yourself but only if you don't wear your birthday suit in public! ;)
It took me hours to work up the nerve to come to this post John. An overwhelming fear that you would have included pictures was difficult to rise above. Still, all kidding aside what's the difference? They want to see my old, flabby, pasty white, freckled body I'll show it to them after they sign a release of liability for the trauma of seeing me nude
I read the entire essay and laughed. However, I almost got derailed by your stand-alone sentence: "I am starked naked." At least you didn't say, "picture me stark naked"--thanks for that.
oh kind of did...*sigh*
Funny stuff John (but I'm with Tom Cordle)
I'll be thinking of you as I go through security tomorrow ;)
Gee, I didn't think I was going to be "exposing myself" to ridicule. Actually, I was thinking of posting a real picture of myself in the buff, but I didn't want to shock the women and humiliate the men. Consider it a favre.. er... favor.
You probabaly would too. Then we can all say "I knew him when..."
Very funny.
I think this is a great idea John. You go first.

Alan, I'm confused. You say you've seen a *funny* German movie?
Playboy is still in business?

John, you are looking QUITE good these days.
Hmmm. Sounds like as good a plan as any I've heard. Start a movement. Junk Day at LAX!

I almost did this -- at TSA request. The TSA rep at LAX insisted I remove my sweat shirt. I told him I had nothing on underneath. (I often don't wear a bra.) He insisted I remove the shirt. I asked for a private room. He insisted I remove the shirt. Too bad -- I was wearing a bra that day. I still got a lot of stares.
John, you should be in word of mouth buzz marketing, you'd make a fortune.
I hope that your case had no shortcomings...

*runs from room*
YAY!!! Zuma breached the "short" joke barrier! It is now officially open season! wOOt!

BTW, John, do you want to pre-order from my LAX PENIS EXTENSION franchise??? I don't want to run SHORT!

If this will get me out of actually having to go home for Thanksgiving, I may give it a try.
Make sure to shave off all pubic hair before flying as it will make you appear much larger.
There is only one answer for this abuse of people.....SUE TSA
It only takes 350 dollars to file a complaint in a federal court.
Just go to the Fed Court near you, fill out the forms, state the complaint.....back it up with video DEMAND PAYMENT

YOUR dignity is valuable. And the only language the government understands is MONEY.
YOU would so do this wouldn't you? Hehehehe.

some people think al qaeda is irrelevant now..., but the legacy lingers on, and on, and on....
I bet someone, somewhere will do this!!
do it! do it! do it!!!!
Great idea. Great story.
If it was about me, everything would be the same except for me taking time to pick up the thrown money before I got dressed.
The seminal novel "The Puppet Masters!" by the all time Sci-Fi author extraordinaire Robert Heinlein descibed an America that had been invaded by parasitic controlling aliens that liked to nestle between the shoulder blades of its victims, hence they all wore suits.
The only way to survive was to run around naked.
I think you're on to something John.
The perfect plan. My diet starts now.
When will the powers that be learn that no matter which hole you search there will always be another that anyone who wants to slip in a bomb, will use. Instead of looking into useless bras and panties or scans of sweaty us, I would start and stick to useful intelligence that can be used before the bomber even reaches the airport. Thats how these bozos have been caught in the past and thats how most freedom loving peoples act. They dont give rat's ass about bullies and keeping a strong surveillance on they live their life on their own terms.

Rated and Funeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Funny! But leave your socks on. I'm just say'n. (germs)
Not to mention getting your picture in the TSA 2010 calendar for November. I think they're naming this year's calendar "Shadowy Figures," but I'm certain they'll blur the image to fit into their overall concept.
Please get the ball rolling and do it. How great would that be.
Actually, TSA does catch random nutjobs, some of whom have murderous intentions. There're been a series of random shooters, the latest of which was a college shooter. Tim McVeigh wasn't a muslim.

Along with preventing the carefully planned Al-Queda attacks, you have to prevent the ones that come out of left field.
Yell "Don't touch my junk bro " and you;ll go viral
I cannot believe geezerchick's comment. Did she get an apology or what?! That's c-r-a-z-y. Didn't they see she was nekked as she pulled up her sweatshirt? Did they feel a bump when they patted her down. I need more information here!


The indecent exposure would seem to be the x-ray. Exposing us to x-rays seems indecent. I'd say the lawyer should argue that a way out of indecent exposure was not an option, and you were only quibbling over the manner of doing it.
For those w/o the exhibitionist streak, I suggest loud moaning... As they rub your thigh loudly exclaim "OHHH BABY, THAT FEELS SOOOO GOOD", add some panting "AHHH, SOOO GOOD". Create a cacophony of facetious groans...
From you lips/computer to god's ears: make it so.
Harry's idea is a real gasssssssssss.
Imagine a boot stepping on a human face. Forever.
"Alan, I'm confused. You say you've seen a *funny* German movie?"
Touché! What I meant to say was "silly German movie." You're right, there are no funny German movies.
Well, if I did that, the airlines would have to increase their orders of barf bags.
How about cutting out "Freedom from unreasonable searches!" in aluminum tape and tape it on your chest under your clothes.
Or a choice of your favorite Anglo-Saxon verbiage if you're nasty.
That's awesome! It's so off the cuff and random, I could totally see the the whole scenario coming into play....and working. Well played John...Well played :)
I've tried it, and it works!!
Did you know that in Germany, this already happened? Crowds of people have gone into airports and taken off all their clothes to protest the scanners.

I know what TSA would do. They would just pull out garlic, crosses, and holy water and spray it all over everyone. Maybe that's why the Catholic Church has started to train more priests to be qualified to perform exorcisms in the US...
Funny enough idea but... "The humorless TSA personnel look on with confusion, their small minds struggling to recall what the Homeland Security Rule Book says about this. "

Small minds? Not funny.
...then everyone joins hands and sings "Let the Sun Shine In." No, wait. That's the last scene in "Hair."
Maybe they could do this on a trial basis but limit the getting naked only to women aged 18 to 35.

If they did that, I gotta believe that sales of airline tickets would increase.

Heck, people don't want to see my "baggage" anyway.
I've been advocating this for the last week or so. Finally: some support.

Will I have the nerve to drop trou if pulled out of line? I have no idea. But I'd like to think I would.

Ben Franklin will so be waking from the dead and kicking some ass. And Tom Paine. Especially Tom Paine.
What's next? Mandatory colonoscopy before entry to the loading gate?
What if it's cold in there? I'd hate to get the label of "Turtleman" on YouTube or national TV!!! The idea though is one that I think would send a powerful message. Rated.
Nudity protest the TSA!
Your plan is impressive except for one small flaw. If you look around at the airport, how many of those fellow human beings do you want to see naked?
The key to publishing fame and fortune: doing something completely weird and slightly obnoxious in public. I think I'll stop trying to write good books and just do something crazy. Unfortunately, everyone else keeps coming up with my ideas.

Great post!
Hey this is a brilliant idea.....Enjoyed this a lot LOL
Now that's the way to fight 'em. rated
I was doing this way before the the scanners, but no one seemed to notice. I'm glad it's working for this dude. Thanks for this, and I'm waiting on hovercrafts.
This makes me glad that I'm not getting on airplanes every week anymore. I went through more than a few debates just on having to take off my shoes.
I can just see a whole parade of men going through the security line shouting out the one word "excuse" of George Costanza when a woman saw him changing at a pool party: "Shrinkage!!!"
Read and rated this last week. Laughed last week and once again today. Makes me most anxious to fly again. It sounds like so much fun.
John, I know this is an old post but I never figured out what to do with the 45 minutes while posts are loading. Here's my similar story, on a recent flight I was asked to remove my "jacket" which was a silk blouse. I tried to argue but then thought what the hell and removed my blouse and skirt. I was not naked though I was wearing only tights and a skimpy undershirt. I thought seriously about taking everything off but then thought I had done enough. I envy you that you did what most of us should. Just so insane the things we must remove, so why not everything. Glad you aren't going to jail.
Thanks. Now I'm going to get a lobotomy to try to extirpate the image of your naked body from my mind.