Picture this: I am standing in line at an airport security check. I place my luggage and computer bag on the belt. Next, I dump all my change, keys and other random pocket debris in the little basket. I take off my shoes. Then I remove my belt and add it to the train.
But I don’t stop there. I keep going. I remove my pants. I slip my shirt over my head. I pull off my socks. And lastly, I step out of my underpants and fling them onto the belt.
I am stark naked.
Women gasp and give me their phone numbers. Men look on with envy. Someone with a video camera films the whole circus. The humorless TSA personnel look on with confusion, their small minds struggling to recall what the Homeland Security Rule Book says about this.
I ignore them and stroll through. At the end of the conveyor, I casually put my clothes back on.
Somebody calls security. Let them figure out what to do. Once I am dressed, two beefy guards haul me away.
I find myself in jail. My attorney bails me out.
The next day the YouTube comes out. Two million people watch it. I appear on MSNBC and chat with Keith Olbermann. I am suddenly an international sensation. I get an agent and a book deal.
A week later I’m in court, charged with indecent exposure. The prosecutor recounts my display to the judge who nods solemnly. My attorney argues that, had I been placed beneath the scanner, this too would technically have been indecent exposure. I would have been exposing myself to a one man audience – the scanner operator. My attorney will argue that the charge of indecent exposure does not specify how large the audience must be for the charge to apply.
The judge will rule in my favor. I will be free to go.
In the ensuing weeks, five thousand airline passengers will perform stripteases at the airport.
Homeland Security will be stumped.
Playboy will send photographers.