Blogging a Dead Horse

john blumenthal

john blumenthal
January 05
john_blumenthal (On Twitter)
Curmudgeon. Formidable braggart. Comedy writer. Eight books, 2 movies. Former associate editor at Playboy Magazine. Movies include "Short Time," (major flop), and "Blue Streak" (huge hit, no idea why.) Last three novels were "What's Wrong With Dorfman?" (St. Martin's Press), "Millard Fillmore, Mon Amour," (St. Martin's Press) and "Three and a Half Virgins" (Finalist, International Book Awards.) Latest book -- a spoof of romance novels called "Passing Wind of Love."


MARCH 18, 2011 10:39AM

The Tea Party Congress's 20 Best Job Creation Bills

Rate: 55 Flag

House Republicans have come up with a new gimmick -- putting the words "Jobs Creation Act" at the end of every bill in order to camouflage the real intent of the legislation. Here's a comprehensive list of all the "jobs legislation" the Tea Party Congress has  introduced so far:

HR 211: The Let's Make Social Security Really Hard to Get by Creating Tons of Incomprehensible Paperwork  Jobs Creation Act.

HR 675: The Harrassing Abortion Doctors is Totally Okay with Us Jobs Creation Act.

HR2240: The Let's Deport All Illegal Aliens Except the Ones Who Work for Us Jobs Creation Act.

HR 124: The Abolish the EPA Because We Don't Believe in Science Anyway and Al Gore is an Idiot Jobs Creation Act.

HR 555: The Protect Clarence Thomas from Impeachment Even Though He Deserves it because it Makes People Think We Like Black People Jobs Creation Act.

HR 776: The Let's Make it Really Hard for Women to Get Abortions Unless it's One of Our Daughters and We Don't Like Her Boyfriend Jobs Creation Act.

HR 766: The Let Lobbyists Hand Out Cash on the Floor of Congress Jobs Creation Act.

HR 43: The Let's Change the Country's Name to "The United States of Ronald Reagan" Jobs Creation Act.

HR 786: The Let Prisoners Have Guns Jobs Creation Act.

HR 111: The Smart People Vote for Democrats so Let's Fire All the Teachers and Close the Libraries Jobs Creation Act.

HR 44: The We Really Need a Statue of Jesus on the White House Lawn Like Right Away Jobs Creation Act.

HR 4456: The Let's Give All the Money in the Country Except Ours to the Koch Brothers Jobs Creation Act.

HR55654: The Lets Make the President Produce His Birth Certificate and Ten of His Favorite Bath Tub Ducks or We Won't Believe He's Really President Jobs Creation Act.

HR55A: The Let's Not Let People in Blue States Vote Anymore Jobs Creation Act.

HR5T: The Let's Gag Rachel Maddow and Lock Her in a Shoe Closet Jobs Creation Act.

HRT65: The Let's Redesign the Capitol Dome Because it Looks Too Much Like a Breast Jobs Creation Act. 

HR6YT5: The Let's Replace all American History Textbooks in US Schools with the One Michelle Bachmann is Writing Jobs Creation Act.

HR4445: The Let's Make Handicapped Veterans Buy Their Own Wheelchairs because That Way We'll Cut the Deficit a Lot and Nobody Will Notice Jobs Creation Act.

HR000: The Let's Force Gay People to Move to France because French Guys Wear Berets so They Must All be Gay Jobs Creation Act.

HR569d: The Let's Keep Putting the Words "Jobs Creation Act" at the End of all of our Legislation because it's a Really Effective Way to Make Our Really Gullible Voters Think We Really Give a Shit about Creating Jobs Jobs Creation Act.







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You missed the big jobs creation act in Wisconsin. The lets hire the father of the Senate President and House Speaker (Fitzgerald brothers) as head of the State Police we only hire relatives as public workers act.
Brilliant!! And Funny! Still smiling even tho it hurts.
Great Post John and all true. I saw a video yesterday of Ronald Reagan saying how much he loved unions. I wonder how they square that with putting his face on a $10 bill?
John, very funny and really close to reality on all points!
That's a lot of legislation, JB! But you forgot a really big one: The Congressional Retirement Act whereby each of these A-h0les can (and hopefully will real soon) retire with HUUUUGE pensions, just because they held office for one (hopefully) term! At our expense! Now that's job creation act! I fonly it was just an act!
{{{R}}} for riting and {{{L}}} for making me laugh out loud.
Excellent -- I won't try to add -- well done --
And the Job Killing, Government Takeover, Pull the Plug On Grandma, Born in Kenya, Cantor and Ryan aren't missing chromosomes, Reagan was in a Union, Walker didn't hurt Milwaukee's Security, Hayek didn't write "Why I am Not a Conservative," Jesus is Comin' Soon, Lets Keep Government Big and In Women's Bodies, The Stimulus was supposed to get unemployment to 8%- Whoops! AD NAUSEUM Jobs Creating Act.
Funnier than funny because it's absurd and true. Pathetic-ier than pathetic because because it's absurd and true.

However, we should cut them some slack, as they aren't the brightest stars on the flag. It shouldn't surprise us when they get their terms mixed up. After all, "Job Creation" sounds a lot like "Job Cremation."
The Give Weapons to College Students Jobs Creation Act.
You are the voice of reason quite plain and simple. Can we not build a Mayflower liner or better still hire the Mayflower transport company to haul all these people out and start over?

Surely there is enough people to handle this?
Rated with hugs and thank you for your kind words.
I've been thinking of doing a post about this, though mine won't be as funny as yours. All through the campaigns last year, the GOP and Tea Party kept saying they were about job creation, but, just as anyone with a brain knew would happen, they've done NOTHING to create jobs. It's the classic "Vote for us and we will work on your behalf this time, really!" ploy, and the suckers fell for it hook line and sinker.
It's hilarious, so why the hell am I crying?
this is funny but I'm afraid one of them will read it and make it come true.
HR101, drafted by Texas lawmakers, would allow the United States of America to invade and occupy Mexico. ;) Millions of migrants would be paid in pesos, while lobbyists would be paid under the tableau. ;)
I swear I did a Danny Thomas reading this. The water went right through the nose. Great piece! Roger--Chgo Guy
laughing. that's all. just laughing so i won't cry.
terrific pie ce, John r.
HR23094: The Stop Making Fun of Speaker Boehner's Orange Skin, Black Lungs, and Slobbery Mouth or We'll Kick Your Commie Asses Because We're Patriots Jobs Creation Act.

HR1: The Viagra is 75% for All Republican Congressmen THIS IS A PRIORITY Jobs Creation Act.
HR23094: The Stop Making Fun of Speaker Boehner's Orange Skin, Black Lungs, and Slobbery Mouth or We'll Kick Your Commie Asses Because We're Patriots Jobs Creation Act.

HR1: The Viagra is 75% Off for All Republican Congressmen THIS IS A PRIORITY Jobs Creation Act.
It would be a lot funnier if it wasn't true. It's hard to laugh when tears are so expensive.
Funny but very frightening as well...........Heaven help us......rated
The forget-about-jobs Job Creation Act. This was really funny, John - funny because so just slightly off the actual state of things and so full of indignation.
The only jobs these bastards are interested in creating are blow jobs for themselves
That last of all.
There is the Keep all college students from voting until they mature enough to Vote Republican Jobs Creation Act..
They ARE creating jobs. It is the job of each and every one of them to hold the jobs football firmly on the ground, then pull it away quickly as soon as any Democratic foot begins to make contact with it.
This was hilarious...and..ouch!!!
Look, they have every intention of creating jobs, just as soon as they get the minimum wage act repealed. I think it is really clever of them to try and add the sub-minimum wages they pay their house servants as foreign aid too, since they are mostly undocumented.
Very comprehensive. If only there was a civics class still being taught somewhere in the country. It's in subcommittee at the moment, but keep an eye on the Just Because Some of Us Wear Diapers When Being Serviced By Prostitutes or Continually Cheat on Our Spouses Doesn't Mean It Is Hypocritical For Us to Claim To Have Deep Family Values Jobs Creation Bill.
Too funny!

Remember when Darth Cheney said, "deficits don't matter?"

Why do they suddenly matter now? Short answer: when Rethuglicans were in place to get what THEY wanted.

If one good thing came out of last Nov, it's that Rethuglicans got over-confident and over-reached themselves, far too soon.

And I hope to God that that election is the last time any working stiff votes Rethug.
John, this is brilliant! Thank you for posting it.
Paul Haider, Chicago
Regarding HR000, I'd amend that bill to force all left leaning post modern hippie liberals to move to France, with complimentary airfare and apartments for all in the 18th. Berets too. Merci beaucoup.
Hilarious blu. I laughed out loud and I don't even smoke dope anymore.
I was laughing so much - this was great. This should be a top 10 list on Stewart or Colbert.

I would only change your HR 43 to "Walker" b/c one of Reagan's quotes was, "Where free unions are forbidden, freedom is lost." downright free thinking for this day and age...

Then there's the "Let's mop up John Boehner's Tears On TV Jobs Creation Act."

Pretty much! Very clever and soooooooooo true. R
You mean they don't? ? ?
This is AWESOME (sorry John but I love that word.) I put this up on my facebook page. Great, great post. RRRRR
"HRT65: The Let's Redesign the Capitol Dome Because it Looks Too Much Like a Breast Jobs Creation Act. "

Hey, wait, didn't they try this once before? :D
I'm convinced that sending home "illegal aliens" is the Right's version of job creation. Once "those people" are gone, their $4.00/hr., 12-15 hours-a-day jobs will be avialable!
The sad thing is that the Republican House really would pass these.
That's a lot jobs, but they all blow.
This is both sad and funny.
LoL! Enjoyed your post, John ;)
I live in Wisconsin where the Republicans recently created more jobs by putting roadblocks in the way of a huge new wind power area until the wind energy company finally gave up trying to get approval to move ahead. It would have produced renewable energy and created hundreds of jobs for those constructing the wind power machines.

But don't worry aboiut that -- killing the project produced additional jobs for bartenders serving the unemployed people who don't have jobs constructing renewable energy systems.
How about "Let's attack education and lay off loads of teachers Job Creation Act"
heh, i am still laughing about french berets. good stuff John.