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john blumenthal

john blumenthal
Location
California,
Birthday
January 05
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john_blumenthal (On Twitter)
Bio
Curmudgeon. Formidable braggart. Comedy writer. Eight books, 2 movies. Former associate editor at Playboy Magazine. Movies include "Short Time," (major flop), and "Blue Streak" (huge hit, no idea why.) Last three novels were "What's Wrong With Dorfman?" (St. Martin's Press), "Millard Fillmore, Mon Amour," (St. Martin's Press) and "Three and a Half Virgins" (Finalist, International Book Awards.) Latest book -- a spoof of romance novels called "Passing Wind of Love."

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MAY 20, 2011 10:45AM

Breaking News: GOP Will Run Nobody for President in 2012

Rate: 30 Flag

WASHINGTON, D.C. In an unprecedented move, The RNC announced today that the Republican Party has decided to cancel its primaries and run nobody for president in 2012.

  

Speaking to reporters, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus explained the decision: “We think that running nobody will rally Republicans of all stripes and garner more votes than any of the other potential candidates.”

 

He may be right. A recent nationwide poll of likely Republican voters revealed that, given a choice between all the other contenders and a blank space, 88% would vote for the blank space.

  

Priebus continued: “We strongly believe that the only candidate that has a chance of beating President Obama is nobody.”

 

 

Republican pollster Frank Luntz agreed, saying that the other GOP candidates simply have too many negatives. “Let's face it," he said, "Tim Pawlenty is the human equivalent of Ambien; Michele Bachmann will not appeal to voters who can tie their shoes without help; Romney? Who knows whether evangelists will vote for a Moron, er... I mean Mormon? "

 

Luntz continued: "Ron Paul knows a lot about the Constitution, which is a turn-off for many Republican voters; Newt Gingrich is unappealing because his first name is a type of salamander. Salamaders are amphibians. Republicans tend to vote for reptiles. And Mitch Daniels looks too much like Calvin Coolidge."

                                                                                 

                            

Support for nobody seems to be unanimous among Republican leaders. 

 

Speaker of the House, John Boehner told reporters: “Compared to all the other potential candidates, the best choice is nobody. I'm totally behind nobody. Does anybody have a hanky?"

 

The new strategy has enlivened Republican donors “We intend to raise a billion dollars for the nobody campaign,” the Koch brothers vowed. "Getting nobody elected will be our highest priority."

 

 

Iowa Republican activist Don Flam was enthusiastic: “We all feel that this is a fabulous move. Our grassroots organizations can really get behind nobody. Nobody will really unite the party."

Senate Minority Mitch McConnell could barely contain himself when he heard the news. "Nobody's perfect," he said.

But perhaps House Minority Leader Eric Cantor summed it up best: “Just think how great it would be for Republicans if nobody was elected President.” 

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John even when they run somebody it'll be a nobody. r.
"Mitch Daniels or Calvin Coolidge?"

Uh, I'll go with......door #3!! ~;D
Nobody does satire like you.
I'm praying for Sarah--but she'll be gone Saturday right? Do Mormans get raptured too?
Why don't you run? I'll vote for you.
With Obama as the opponent, the Republican choice could go from "none of the above" to "any of the above."

2012 will be about Obama, period. It would be hard to find among the Republican field of candidates one that has Obama's winning combination of inaptitude, philosophical unwholesomeness, and personal arrogance.
Greenheron stole my comment hahah. Are you not running John in 2012 or is it all rumours??
Rated with hugs
Whatever happened to that ficus Michael Moore once entered in a race for Congress? Surely that could step in at short notice? After all, everybody likes a ficus. It's a very biblical plant, too, so it should secure the Evangelical vote.
So they're going with the lesser of several evils?
What? No mention of Bristol Palin?!
i'm cracking up that the media is all abuzz with the latest republican dark horse, a guy who served as an ambassador for -- drum roll, please -- president obama. see, only a repub who's more like a democrat (pro civil union for same-gender couples, pro cap-and-trade, etc.) has a chance against a democrat.

great piece, john. some of the lines are among your best. and, just to make your friday: :)
How great would it be for them if nobody was President? Really great.
Is nobody a real american?
Inaptitude?

Funny post. Jonathan has the First Funny Comment.
I'd vote for Chauncey Gardiner.
"Nobody" does it better!
John, I think I went to school with the candidate...
"Nobody's perfect" indeed. Somehow I'm not sure if this is satire or the real thing!

Now if Obama would only decide not to run either, then we might start getting somewhere!

Rated.
"Salamaders are amphibians. Republicans tend to vote for reptiles." Nice. Set-up and delivery. I tip my hat to you.

Signed,
Nobody's fool
John, perhaps Ralph Nader will show up to fill the "void."
Excellent satire. Good to see you back, Your Excellency.
♥R
Maybe they can get Jerry Seinfeld to run the Nobody Campaign About Nothing.
Rated, but the button won't take it!
Lezlie
I tried to rate this earlier but "tech problems" prevented me from signing on to OS. Very funny and possibly true??
Pitch. Perfect.

Got me wondering about the bumper stickers --Nobody Supports The NRA-- a nice start.
If they run a dark horse it may be the Kentucky Derby winner. Americans have always loved a dark horse.
Draft Harold Stassen.
"Inaptitude? "

What's the question, Myriad? Maybe I can help. It's an English word.
What's in a name? Not much if your name happens to be Reince Priebus. God, who would stick a child with something so awful?

As for the announcement, Reince overheard someone say "nobody can beat Obama", so he naturally thought Nobody would be the perfect candidate. Who can blame the guy? Nobody is infinitely preferable to the contenders -- Newt looks like something the cat dragged in, and Trump looks like something the cat coughed up.

PS Thanks for scaring the shit out of me by pointing out the resemblance between Silent Cal and Equivocating Mitch. Let's hope the resemblance is superficial and not official.
I was hoping those Koch con men would get sucked up in the Rapture. Good post, loved the humor.
Brilliantly cutting as always! r
Loved it! R
The Republicans could be really sneaky and run "None of the Above."
John, excellent post! Very funny! I love good satire! I haven't seen a field so full of nitwits since the Glenn Beck rally in DC.
I was busy with my war against the libertarian grayheads and missed this. Hilarious concept in 2 ways -- funny on its face, and funny in how it states a great truth about the depth of the GOP bench.
bada-bing, blu!
John - amusing post as always!

I'm guessing you're aware of the Nobody for President campaign that got started by my friend Wavy Gravy back in the mid-70s, but for history's sake and the benefit of our GOP friends, I thought I should post the info below so they will know that there will be another nobody potentially competing against their noboby.

from www.nobodyforpresident.org:

"On December 8, 1975, I spoke with Wavy Gravy at the United State Cafe on Haight Street in San Francisco, about voter apathy.

I pointed to statistics showing people were not registering to vote and approximately fifty (50) percent of the people who could vote were not showing up at the polls.

Wavy responded, "You mean Nobody is winning the Presidential elections?"

That question became the spark that ignited the Birthday Party's "Nobody for President Campaign."

Wavy Gravy became "Nobody's Fool," Curtis Spangler became "Nobody's Campaign Manager," and the rest is history!
Beth -- Nope, never heard of Nobody for President.com. Since Mitch Daniels dropped out, I'm starting to to think nobody really will be the only GOP candidate.
your keyboard to God's ear!
Sorry I missed this. Very funny.
Satire? Sure but could also be true.