Breaking News: GOP Will Run Nobody for President in 2012
WASHINGTON, D.C. In an unprecedented move, The RNC announced today that the Republican Party has decided to cancel its primaries and run nobody for president in 2012.
Speaking to reporters, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus explained the decision: “We think that running nobody will rally Republicans of all stripes and garner more votes than any of the other potential candidates.”
He may be right. A recent nationwide poll of likely Republican voters revealed that, given a choice between all the other contenders and a blank space, 88% would vote for the blank space.
Priebus continued: “We strongly believe that the only candidate that has a chance of beating President Obama is nobody.”
RNC Chairman Priebus making his announcement
Republican pollster Frank Luntz agreed, saying that the other GOP candidates simply have too many negatives. “Let's face it," he said, "Tim Pawlenty is the human equivalent of Ambien; Michele Bachmann will not appeal to voters who can tie their shoes without help; Romney? Who knows whether evangelists will vote for a Moron, er... I mean Mormon? "
Luntz continued: "Ron Paul knows a lot about the Constitution, which is a turn-off for many Republican voters; Newt Gingrich is unappealing because his first name is a type of salamander. Salamaders are amphibians. Republicans tend to vote for reptiles. And Mitch Daniels looks too much like Calvin Coolidge."
Mitch Daniels or Calvin Coolidge?
Support for nobody seems to be unanimous among Republican leaders.
Speaker of the House, John Boehner told reporters: “Compared to all the other potential candidates, the best choice is nobody. I'm totally behind nobody. Does anybody have a hanky?"
The new strategy has enlivened Republican donors “We intend to raise a billion dollars for the nobody campaign,” the Koch brothers vowed. "Getting nobody elected will be our highest priority."
The Koch Brother$
Iowa Republican activist Don Flam was enthusiastic: “We all feel that this is a fabulous move. Our grassroots organizations can really get behind nobody. Nobody will really unite the party."
Senate Minority Mitch McConnell could barely contain himself when he heard the news. "Nobody's perfect," he said.
But perhaps House Minority Leader Eric Cantor summed it up best: “Just think how great it would be for Republicans if nobody was elected President.”
Photos courtesy: hapblog.com, explore theoldwest.com, veracitystew.com
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Kerry Lauerman
havlin
Rolling
TheWiseGuise
jmac1949
A Persistent Muse
Salon.com
Comments
Uh, I'll go with......door #3!! ~;D
2012 will be about Obama, period. It would be hard to find among the Republican field of candidates one that has Obama's winning combination of inaptitude, philosophical unwholesomeness, and personal arrogance.
Rated with hugs
great piece, john. some of the lines are among your best. and, just to make your friday: :)
Funny post. Jonathan has the First Funny Comment.
Now if Obama would only decide not to run either, then we might start getting somewhere!
Rated.
Signed,
Nobody's fool
♥R
Rated, but the button won't take it!
Lezlie
Got me wondering about the bumper stickers --Nobody Supports The NRA-- a nice start.
What's the question, Myriad? Maybe I can help. It's an English word.
As for the announcement, Reince overheard someone say "nobody can beat Obama", so he naturally thought Nobody would be the perfect candidate. Who can blame the guy? Nobody is infinitely preferable to the contenders -- Newt looks like something the cat dragged in, and Trump looks like something the cat coughed up.
PS Thanks for scaring the shit out of me by pointing out the resemblance between Silent Cal and Equivocating Mitch. Let's hope the resemblance is superficial and not official.
The Republicans could be really sneaky and run "None of the Above."
bada-bing, blu!
I'm guessing you're aware of the Nobody for President campaign that got started by my friend Wavy Gravy back in the mid-70s, but for history's sake and the benefit of our GOP friends, I thought I should post the info below so they will know that there will be another nobody potentially competing against their noboby.
from www.nobodyforpresident.org:
"On December 8, 1975, I spoke with Wavy Gravy at the United State Cafe on Haight Street in San Francisco, about voter apathy.
I pointed to statistics showing people were not registering to vote and approximately fifty (50) percent of the people who could vote were not showing up at the polls.
Wavy responded, "You mean Nobody is winning the Presidential elections?"
That question became the spark that ignited the Birthday Party's "Nobody for President Campaign."
Wavy Gravy became "Nobody's Fool," Curtis Spangler became "Nobody's Campaign Manager," and the rest is history!