Breaking News: GOP Will Run Nobody for President in 2012
WASHINGTON, D.C. In an unprecedented move, The RNC announced today that the Republican Party has decided to cancel its primaries and run nobody for president in 2012.
Speaking to reporters, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus explained the decision: “We think that running nobody will rally Republicans of all stripes and garner more votes than any of the other potential candidates.”
He may be right. A recent nationwide poll of likely Republican voters revealed that, given a choice between all the other contenders and a blank space, 88% would vote for the blank space.
Priebus continued: “We strongly believe that the only candidate that has a chance of beating President Obama is nobody.”
Republican pollster Frank Luntz agreed, saying that the other GOP candidates simply have too many negatives. “Let's face it," he said, "Tim Pawlenty is the human equivalent of Ambien; Michele Bachmann will not appeal to voters who can tie their shoes without help; Romney? Who knows whether evangelists will vote for a Moron, er... I mean Mormon? "
Luntz continued: "Ron Paul knows a lot about the Constitution, which is a turn-off for many Republican voters; Newt Gingrich is unappealing because his first name is a type of salamander. Salamaders are amphibians. Republicans tend to vote for reptiles. And Mitch Daniels looks too much like Calvin Coolidge."
Support for nobody seems to be unanimous among Republican leaders.
Speaker of the House, John Boehner told reporters: “Compared to all the other potential candidates, the best choice is nobody. I'm totally behind nobody. Does anybody have a hanky?"
The new strategy has enlivened Republican donors “We intend to raise a billion dollars for the nobody campaign,” the Koch brothers vowed. "Getting nobody elected will be our highest priority."
Iowa Republican activist Don Flam was enthusiastic: “We all feel that this is a fabulous move. Our grassroots organizations can really get behind nobody. Nobody will really unite the party."
Senate Minority Mitch McConnell could barely contain himself when he heard the news. "Nobody's perfect," he said.
But perhaps House Minority Leader Eric Cantor summed it up best: “Just think how great it would be for Republicans if nobody was elected President.”