Hoping to capitalize on the lucrative over-fifty Boomer market, Apple has unveiled its much-anticipated new smartphone for seniors, the iSight 6t. The revolutionary device comes with apps designed specifically for Boomers who are plagued by nostalgia issues or health problems (including senioritis.) Here are a few examples of the iSight 6t’s most innovative apps:

Who Is This Person? App: Can’t remember who your contacts are? This app will remind you. For example, if you ask your phone, “Who the hell is Debbie Johnson?” the device will respond, “You met her at a Stones concert in 1968. She was the blonde with the hoop earrings, the weird face paint and the pink granny glasses. You dated her for six months. She used to say you looked like Jim Morrison. She was lying.”

Rotary Phone Adaptor App: Having trouble making calls? Always forget to hit the “Send” key? Feeling nostalgic for the old days? iSight 6t has a feature that converts your phone to rotary dialing.

Boomer GPS Voice Choices App: Now you can choose from over one hundred old-time voices to direct you to your destination. Included are the voices of Lucille Ball, Jackie Gleason, Bullwinkle, Fonzie, Tonto, Johnny Carson, Perry Mason and the “Mamma Mia, That’s a Spicy Meatball” guy.

Where Did I Put My Phone? App: Just say “Where are you, bro?” and the phone will reply, telling you its location by shouting out something like, “I’m in your medicine cabinet next to the Viagra, kemosabe.”

Symptoms App: Have a weird pain in your stomach, a disturbing leg cramp or a sudden eye twitch? Describe your symptoms to the iSight 6t and it will immediately offer you twenty possible diagnoses, two of which will always be something really bad. Choose one ailment and the phone will automatically dial a specialist who will appear to be no older than fifteen.

I Dropped My Phone and I Can’t Pick it Up App: Is that old back injury making it hard for you to bend over to retrieve your phone after dropping it on the pavement or the floor?  Upon impact, this app will automatically call a friendly Apple iSight 6t representative who will locate you, pick up your phone for you, dust it off and, in a slightly condescending tone of voice, politely tell you to be more careful next time.

Senior Wallpaper App: The iSight 6t provides you with two hundred nostalgic background images for your phone. Among your choices are a shot of Yvette Mimieux from the famous “Dr. Kildare” episode, the cover of Jack Kerouac’s “On The Road”, a portrait of George McGovern, a group shot of Herman and the Hermits, a close-up of a perspiring Richard Nixon from the Kennedy-Nixon debates, a psychedelic picture of a really stoned hippie playing the flute and a still shot of the cast from “Mod

Squad”.

Though Apple expects to attract over one million customers the day the phone becomes available, the company plans to release only five-hundred thousand units, thus creating greater demand and annoying half a million people.

Some industry insiders advise consumers to wait before purchasing the iSight 6t because the makers of the Android line will soon be releasing their own version of a senior smartphone -- the “Blandroid”.