Screen name: TiffanyGuy$$$
Married, Divorced, Widowed or Single? It's complicated.
Religion: Not a Mormon.
What Are You Looking for in a Woman? I’m searching for that special woman who will understand and appreciate that I’m cheating on her for purely patriotic reasons because the fate of the nation depends on my infidelity. Also, she should be healthy. Very, very healthy.
Do You Have or Want Children? I have two great kids. I love children, especially if they’re well-rounded. I think it’s important for kids to know about history and geography and literature and furnaces and mopping floors and fixing stopped-up toilets.
Where Do You Live? I don’t mean to sound like an arrogant, inflated, egotistical blowhard, but right now I’m looking at carpet swatches for the Oval Office.
Education: Ph.D from Tulane University,
Profession: Former House Speaker, author, presidential candidate, close personal friend and admirer of Donald Trump, bank historian and lobbyist. (Sorry, that might be redundant –- bank historian and lobbyist are actually the same thing, except if you’re a bank historian, you have to go to meetings and blurt out non-sequiturs like “Millard Fillmore,” or “The War of 1812,” every now and then to earn your salary.)
Hobbies: Oh my goodness! There are so money…er… I mean many. Being a historian, I love to read biographies of the greatest men in world history –- people like Plato, Julius Caesar, George Washington and Ronald Reagan. Did I mention that I have a Ph.D from Tulane University?
I’m a romantic at heart. On those special evenings, I love to sit by a fireplace with the woman I love and drink root beer. I also love to take long romantic walks on the beach in my Speedo, my favorite black socks and my flip-flops. (Oops. Did I say flip-flops? Sorry Mitt.)
Favorite Word: Presidency.
Least Favorite Word: Ethics.