Blogging a Dead Horse

john blumenthal

john blumenthal
January 05
john_blumenthal (On Twitter)
Curmudgeon. Formidable braggart. Comedy writer. Eight books, 2 movies. Former associate editor at Playboy Magazine. Movies include "Short Time," (major flop), and "Blue Streak" (huge hit, no idea why.) Last three novels were "What's Wrong With Dorfman?" (St. Martin's Press), "Millard Fillmore, Mon Amour," (St. Martin's Press) and "Three and a Half Virgins" (Finalist, International Book Awards.) Latest book -- a spoof of romance novels called "Passing Wind of Love."


DECEMBER 30, 2011 12:26PM

Newt Gingrich's Profile

Rate: 38 Flag

Screen name:  TiffanyGuy$$$ 

Age: 68 

Married, Divorced, Widowed or Single? It's complicated.


Religion: Not a Mormon.



What Are You Looking for in a Woman? I’m searching for that special woman who will understand and appreciate that I’m cheating on her for purely patriotic reasons because the fate of the nation depends on my infidelity. Also, she should be healthy. Very, very healthy.


Do You Have or Want Children? I have two great kids. I love children, especially if they’re well-rounded. I think it’s important for kids to know about history and geography and literature and furnaces and mopping floors and fixing stopped-up toilets.


Where Do You Live? I don’t mean to sound like an arrogant, inflated, egotistical blowhard, but right now I’m looking at carpet swatches for the Oval Office. 


Education: Ph.D from Tulane University,


Profession: Former House Speaker, author, presidential candidate, close personal friend and admirer of Donald Trump, bank historian and lobbyist. (Sorry, that might be redundant –- bank historian and lobbyist are actually the same thing, except if you’re a bank historian, you have to go to meetings and blurt out non-sequiturs like “Millard Fillmore,” or “The War of 1812,” every now and then to earn your salary.)


Hobbies:  Oh my goodness! There are so money…er… I mean many. Being a historian, I love to read biographies of the greatest men in world history –- people like Plato, Julius Caesar, George Washington and Ronald Reagan. Did I mention that I have a Ph.D from Tulane University?


I’m a romantic at heart. On those special evenings, I love to sit by a fireplace with the woman I love and drink root beer. I also love to take long romantic walks on the beach in my Speedo, my favorite black socks and my flip-flops. (Oops. Did I say flip-flops? Sorry Mitt.)


Favorite Word: Presidency.


Least Favorite Word: Ethics.



Your tags:


Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:


Type your comment below:
This is hilarious...and true. Poor Newt, and poor us if he's elected. Good to see you posting!
Newt in a Speedo and black socks.
I feel ill.
He looks like Jim Carrey on speed in that photo! What a waste of a brain.

Well... at least you didn't go for his profile on Of course I am also certain none of us wants to see what is purported to be his... erm... "Tool of the trade" either.
A good historian would know that it takes a 2/3 vote of both houses of Congress to change the carpet in the Oval Office.
"because the fate of the nation depends on my infidelity" I tried that once, man, it soooooo didn't work on my wife neither!! WAAAA!! :D
man john... this did me in.. what a bunch of Gop buffoons..ESPECIALLY this dude.

If I might be mistaken it's almost like the Keystone Cops.

You make me laugh, you make me smile.
Happy New my friend,
You make my brain walk a mile!
Does he at least have a Ph.D?

So funny. The thought of Newt in speedos makes me physically ill, though. Rated.
I'm surprised he doesn't lie about his age! Otherwise, a typical dating candidate. :)
Newt - Wotta waste of oxygen you turned out to be!
I'd totally hump his leg any day.
It never hurts to mention Millard Fillmore...
I thought he was a herpetologist. Or maybe it was he has herpes. Or maybe both. I wasn't paying that close attention.
Here's a mental burn-it-with-fire image that'll haunt your dreams: Newt without the Speedo. I think I just threw up a little.
Newt in a bourka, Newt in a Bourka.... calm breathing, think Bourka, Bourka, Bourka.....Calm breathing

Love the bit about 'The nation requires my infidelity" But he forgot to mention "She should be hot enough to be the First Lady."

Almost too true to be funny! Happy New Year, Blu.

The only thing missing from a Match.Com ad is the picture of him on his Harley.
Ideal woman needs to be a position that will cause an overwhelming number of her colleagues to buy my latest book.
What a hoot! Delighted!
Sounds like you know a thing or two about dating profiles blu. Very funny send-up.
The thought of Gingrich in a Speedo is almost as frightening as the thought of Gingrich in the White House.
Good one. Just the idea of the profile itself is a perfect joke. I wish more women would understand that we cheat on them for the benefit of the country. What a turd ...
Oh my goodness! There are so money…er… I mean many.

Your good and today your Great...HNY!
Love the "healthy, very, very healthy" line!
The truth Hertz -- just following Newt's example of doing anything for a buck.
John....Excellent. Loved it. This should have been an EP, for godssakes.
C'mon John, everyone knows Newt's on the "down low".
LoL! Yikes, I'm hearing his voice! ;)
Hey John,

I was having this real dark vision of our world, this decaying, Me-directed culture -- you know, staring at the abyss of a vacated soul, and I opened your Newtron suitcase bomb here. What an absolute blast! great stuff. To satirize these guys would test Swift himself.
( I would put your copy wright on this; I've seen our stuff wind up on Letterman and other outlets. Not to get into this too much, but protect yourself, man.)
Chevrolet! He wanted to "drive" a Chevrolet!
holicrap hilarious....just love you....
Greatest challenge: Taming my tongue, the proverbial double-edged sword, which keeps prevents anyone from loving me except Calista, Carrisa, Arissa, or whatever her name is. You know the blonde, plastic-haired one.
ahem... leopard print Speedo.
Triple back-flip rated, even though I can't forgive you for the image of Newt in a Speedo...

Yep! This is a wonderful keeper! Can't wait to share this! Fab post!
This is funny. Anyone need a ride to Panama if he wins?