Blogging a Dead Horse

john blumenthal

john blumenthal
January 05
john_blumenthal (On Twitter)
Curmudgeon. Formidable braggart. Comedy writer. Eight books, 2 movies. Former associate editor at Playboy Magazine. Movies include "Short Time," (major flop), and "Blue Streak" (huge hit, no idea why.) Last three novels were "What's Wrong With Dorfman?" (St. Martin's Press), "Millard Fillmore, Mon Amour," (St. Martin's Press) and "Three and a Half Virgins" (Finalist, International Book Awards.) Latest book -- a spoof of romance novels called "Passing Wind of Love."


MARCH 12, 2012 11:28AM

Yesterday I Was Just a Sperm Cell. Now I’m a Person!

Rate: 36 Flag

God, I love President Santorum. Thanks to him, I’m a person now. A year ago ago, just embryos were people. But that’s not really fair, so now Rick has gone even farther and decided that I have rights too. I mean, I’m half the equation, right?


Free at last! Free at last!



Since I’m now a person, I’ve decided to call myself Vincent. I’ve always liked that name. A few of my sperm friends have started playing poker every Friday night. Sometimes we go bowling. I’m not that great at it, but an amoeba friend of mine named Bob is giving me some pointers.  


It’s good to be a person!



Since the pro-lifers came up with this awesome personhood idea, I’ve been dating an ovum named Emily. She’s a babe. We like to sit by the fireplace at night and drink brandy or take walks on the beach at sunset (we met on Obviously, we can’t have sex because that would form an embryo, which is a no-no, but we can do… um… everything else.


We’d like to get married one day, but we can’t decide where to live. She says the ovaries are cozy, but I like the gonads better. Cheaper housing. Besides, the gonads are kind of my hometown and I have a lot of friends there. Maybe one day we could move to a more upscale neighborhood like the prostate, but it’s not that stable there. I’m sure we’ll figure it out.


Too bad we can’t have kids.


Unfortunately, we sperm cells don’t have much of a life span, so I’m keeping an eye on my cholesterol and jogging back and forth twice a week up and down the Fallopian Highway and lifting weights.



Legally, since I’m a person now, I can even vote. Can you imagine? But, since the economy sucks, I don’t have a job, so I’m kind of poor and the Republicans have made it sort of difficult for us poor people to vote. My minority sperm pals have the same problem, as do some of the older members of the sperm community. That sucks.


Also, some of my one-celled buddies are gay, but the Republicans won’t let them get married. That sucks too.


One day, I’d like to meet a corporation since they’re people now too just like me (thanks Supreme Court!), so we’d have a lot in common. I hear Citicorp is very nice, but a little greedy. I think I’d get along pretty well with Exxon-Mobil or Chevron or General Electric. But they’re all rich people, so they’re kind of out of my league.


Maybe one day I’ll get rich too. In fact I’m pretty sure I will. When I am, I sure don’t want to pay a lot of taxes. Taxes are evil. Go Republicans! You rock.


One of the things I don’t like about being a person is that now I can be drafted and go to war. I don’t really get that. I mean, the pro-lifers are crazy about fetuses (and now sperms cells and ova too, yay!), but once you’re an adult, they don’t really give a damn if you get killed in a war or executed in prison.


What’s up with that?


Anyway, so far I have no complaints. Well, maybe a few. Mail delivery is kind of slow and the cable guy never shows up on time.


But I can live with that.




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This was great. I was laughing all the way through, while waiting for the cable guy.
It's nice to know the sperm's point of view. Personhood becomes you.

At long last, the answer to "Dr" Amy Teuters query "Where are the missing sperm". At the time, I blamed it on the increase in the swallow population. And how lucky you guys are to have you own banks.

That's enough rimshots for one comment
Hey Vincent, what about your eighty million bro's? Do you guys hang out in a Kleenex, and dirty gym sock or did you end up scattered along the funky wall of the drain pipe under the shower? If I were you I'd check out a low interest loan and buy a repo-condo in Miami or Tuscon... hey wait Vegas... of course you guys should do Vegas!
You just tripped me back to the memorable scene of Woody Allen's in "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask" (that's how old I am) where Allen is playing the sperm and the line is "he's going back for seconds!"
"once you’re an adult, they don’t really give a damn if you get killed in a war or executed in prison.
What’s up with that? "

Absolutely! This is a great topical important post. Nicely done, John. Rated all the way.
Ova are like Playmates of the Month; they all like to sit by the fire and take walks on the beach. I bet they all have girl-next-door good looks and go to UCLA too.
You slay me. John - not Vincent. Nice name, though for a sperm... Vincent...
Go sperm! I think you need to start a self-help group for those gay and transgendered brethren of yours so they feel more part of the sperm community. What say you?
Thank God I'm an Amoeba!
When sperm and egg unite, something goes from inanimate to animate. It is life.
Mitt Romney

Do ya think for one second that some of these Republican sperms might have come from somewhere else??
You are one clever spermatozoa. ~r
Like your tags, too. How about zygotes?
First the corporations were deemed, humans. Now, Sperm is a live person. What's next? They'll be given bridal showers to ovaries.
Oh, if only Mitt's daddy's sperm had been inanimate!
Sure, as a younger community, Prostate is a great place to hang out with easy access to the Urethra Highway. Unfortunately, medical real estate experts project that Prostate will eventually enlarge beyond its ideal capacity, pushing its boundary closer and closer to the Highway, causing highly inconvenient traffic flow problems.
As the kids in the high school class I'm subbing in today would say, "You grew up fast, dude!"
Excellent. Oddly it reminded me of Woody Allen, dressed as a sperm. One of the kids in my dorm back in the 70's dressed up as Woody as a sperm for Halloween...I am still trying to figure out if he was really a person...
Thanks for acknowledging the new reality of sperm-cum-personhood. This is a seminal moment in our history.
Yesterday I was a contraception clinic. I was born because the suffrage and temperance movements finally gave a couple women a tiny opening :) and they used it to finally stop the deaths from back alley coat hangers, 7 pregnancies in 7 years and death by VD from Europe and elsewhere brought home by WWI vets. 2012 is NOT a Happy Birthday for me :(

I've never had a gay urge, but if that should change I expect they'll be lots of Santorum when we're done!
Vinnie, in my chronic pud pullers anonymous group, is very confused.
I guess you're damned if you are and damned if you're not.
LMAO! Dammit John! LOL

Yep, a sperm has it all figured out. Hilarious, blu. The bowling image was a stroke of genius. R
I keep waiting to hear Ricky-Boy start singing that classic Python song "Every Sperm is Sacred". What a prick. Oh wait, what?
I wish I had a witty ovum to comment here, but instead please accept my rate and congratulations on escaping those tighty whities.
And I'm reminded of Martin Mull's song "Life Is Better Than Death." Since most of you guys have forgotten Marty, here's the first lyric.

If only Mama had the strength to say no!
When Papa had that funny look in his eye
I would just be a misspent evening
On a nineteen-forty's Fourth of July

But I know Mama well, yes I do
And I can say the same for Papa too;
There were fireworks, but not just in the sky!
And I was born, and I'm alive, and I'll die!
You must have been a beautiful sperm cell
You must have really wanted to make a child
While you were kicking ass in the fallopian tube
I bet you drove that little egg wild.
This is going to wreck havoc on the census. And didn't he get the idea from Monty Python's Meaning of Life? Check out Every Sperm is Sacred:
Well I just hope Emily has taken precautions, & that's all I'll say.
Ah, the wisdom of Jism.
Buddy, President Santorum is not your friend. My advice is to stay there safe in your testicle. Don't come out no matter what.