Blogging a Dead Horse

john blumenthal

john blumenthal
January 05
john_blumenthal (On Twitter)
Curmudgeon. Formidable braggart. Comedy writer. Eight books, 2 movies. Former associate editor at Playboy Magazine. Movies include "Short Time," (major flop), and "Blue Streak" (huge hit, no idea why.) Last three novels were "What's Wrong With Dorfman?" (St. Martin's Press), "Millard Fillmore, Mon Amour," (St. Martin's Press) and "Three and a Half Virgins" (Finalist, International Book Awards.) Latest book -- a spoof of romance novels called "Passing Wind of Love."


Editor’s Pick
DECEMBER 3, 2009 8:29AM

Why I Hate Camping: A Glossary

Camping: A form of recreation in which people voluntarily leave the comfort of their homes to emulate the lifestyle of Neanderthal Man. It usually results in insect bites, poison ivy, backaches, and has become an excellent source of income for the motel industry.


K.O.A: The acronym for &lRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 19, 2009 8:34AM

I Wasn’t Invited to My Own Movie Premiere

In 1988, the Writers Guild went on strike over a number of issues including –- surprise –- money. The idea was to shut down all film and TV production until our demands were met. 


The Writers Guild had strict strike rules -- no one was allowed to take meetings orRead full post »

I know it’s a meaningless pleasantry, an empty verbal gesture, a cloying alternative to a simple good-bye, but I may bite the nose off the next person who tells me to enjoy my day. Such an act of violence on my part would definitely compromise that person’s day, but it would&nbs/Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 12, 2009 9:46AM

The 5 Dumbest Scripts I Ever Sold to Hollywood

Crackers:  The premise: A timid, neurotic, Woody Allen-type psychiatrist is arrested for a minor offense. Because of a bureaucratic error, he ends up handcuffed to a guy named Vito, a mobster with OCD. When Vito escapes, the cuffs are still on so the shrink is forced to go wi/Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 5, 2009 10:01AM

Why I Hate My Health Club

They don't let you smoke.


The Stairmaster stairs don’t lead anywhere. If they did, I’d take an elevator.


When I get on a bike, I expect to go somewhere.


Ugly, flabby old guys walk around the locker rooms as if they're proud of something.


TheRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 3, 2009 9:59AM

How I Got Thomas Pynchon’s Medical Records

The consensus among the literary establishment is that author Thomas Pynchon is one of the foremost novelists of our time. His books –- Gravity’s Rainbow, V, The Crying of Lot 49 -- are considered by many to be modern classics.


He is also a recluse. Nobody -- with the posRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 27, 2009 10:13AM

Why Disney Studios was a Screenwriter’s Nightmare

During my days as a hack screenwriter, this was my favorite story: According to Hollywood lore, when Disney Studios was constructing a new administration building, the Disney execs interfered with the architect’s plans so mercilessly that the poor man decided to quietly take revenge.

 &nbs… Read full post »
Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 12, 2009 10:35AM

Ernest Hemingway Sat on My Couch

In 1974, I worked for Esquire magazine as a fact-checker, hardly the most scintillating job in the known universe, but a foot in the door. I had naively expected that my college degree would land me a reasonable salary, but the Esquire job paid $65 a week which, even inRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
SEPTEMBER 30, 2009 10:40AM

Do You Know Who’s in Your Wallet?

Why is Alexander Hamilton on a $10 bill, while all Thomas Jefferson gets is a lousy $2 bill? Nobody ever sees $2 bills (at least I don’t), but I see $10 bills all the time. What's with that?


Sure, Jefferson gets a nickel too, but a nickel is five lousy cents. /Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
SEPTEMBER 25, 2009 11:08AM

Macy’s Made Me a Zombie

Some years ago, I made the mistake of accompanying my wife and two teenage daughters on a shopping trip to Macy’s. I have no idea why they wanted me to come, knowing that the only thing I hate more than shopping is having to watch an episode of “Sex and theRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
SEPTEMBER 24, 2009 10:49AM

What the Hell Does “Sanctity of Marriage” Mean?

"Sanctity of marriage" is a meaningless phrase concocted by bigots and religious fanatics who are terrified that gay marriage will lead to moral decay, since it says so in the Bible, which it doesn’t. Men, they  say, are supposed to marry women. Period. It’s God’s will.


Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
SEPTEMBER 23, 2009 11:43AM

Can We Please Stop Thinking Outside the Box?

The expression “thinking outside the box” originated as a corporate phrase, meant to prod dull-witted executives into being more creative. So why can’t corporate executives just say what they used to say to their sycophantic underlings, “Get off your fucking lazy ass and be moRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
SEPTEMBER 14, 2009 10:37AM

Psychiatrists Identify New Phobias



Megabytephobia: The fear that your user-friendly computer is becoming user-annoying.


Gigabytephobia: the fear that your user-friendly computer is becoming user-argumentative.


OctoBlagojaphobia: The fear that some boring, self-important nitwit will dominate the neRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
SEPTEMBER 10, 2009 10:43AM

Excerpts from Famous Diaries


Eva Braun 

Tuesday, September 5: This morning I think I finally met Mr. Right. I was cleaning the meat rack when he entered the shop and asked me if we had anything in a knockwurst. I lead him to the sausage section and I could feel his eyes onRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
SEPTEMBER 9, 2009 10:59AM

Nowadays, You May Have to Judge a Book by its Cover

As a novelist, I’ve been through the publishing mill more than a few times, and it’s not my favorite mill. Neither is the Hollywood mill, but today’s blog is about publishing. We can get into movies another time.


If you’re an aspiring novelist, some of the followiRead full post »

Remember me? Joe Stalin? If you recall, I was maybe the most brutal dictator ever. So why are you Americans so obsessed with Hitler? What’s so great about Hitler? I was a lot worse than Hitler, but nobody even mentions my name anymore. What am I, chopped liver? 


HoRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 31, 2009 10:34AM

Surviving Your Daughter’s First Date

Having once been a teenage boy, I know that teenage males have sex on their minds for at least 15 hours and 59.99 minutes out of the average 16 hour day. So, the very notion that some hormonally-overdosed boy will try place his paws on even one sacred inch of myRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 26, 2009 12:23PM

Exciting New Tech Stocks Coming Soon

A slew of new tech stocks will hit the market this year and portfolio managers are eager to get in on the action. As usual, the most attractive stocks are a few IPO’s. Some of the following new dot com stocks are expected to outsell blue chips and drive the markets up:

 … Read full post »


           Right-wingers have militias, so why can’t we? After all, the Second Amendment is for all of us, not just for them. Granted, we Lefties don’t own guns because we tend to shoot ourselves in the feet (at least our elected reRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 18, 2009 11:22AM

Happy Birthday Calvin Coolidge!

             As every American knows, this year marked the 137th anniversary of Calvin Coolidge’s birth. The entire nation celebrated this with fireworks, as we always do, because Coolidge was born on July 4th.



 Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 11, 2009 12:23PM

Dear Nora Ephron: I Feel Bad about My Bald Spot



            I first became aware of it while trying on some jeans at Macy’s,Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 10, 2009 2:39PM

Why Your Dog Doesn't Really Love You


           Have you ever been troubled by doubts about your dog’s sincerity? No? Most of us blithely take our pet’s love for granted. But if you’re at all like me –- neurotic and paranoid -- you may sometimes suspect thaRead full post »